" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Mate's Musings

Well, Iowa has a new basketball coach. He said all the right things, is a departure in style and demeanor from the previous coach and has somewhat energized an apathetic fan base .

I copied and pasted that from April of 2007 when Todd Lickliter was hired.
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The Japanese are fucked up. There, I said it. They are fucked up. Does this make me a racist? No. Because everyone thinks the Japanese are fucked up. Know why nobody gets upset when you say that? BECAUSE THEY ARE!!!
A video game based on raping a woman is just the latest in Mate's exposure to this weird little culture of odd sexual kinks.
In 1996 or so Christo and Mate were still in college, gaining weight and losing hair, and our idea of weeknight fun was hanging out at the video store where Christo worked. The porn section was smallish but impressive. Most were your standard girl on girl/perverted normally "films" along with a gay section.
The gay section's best customers? The Japanese students! But it wasn't just the standard gay porn. It was always the ones where someone sticks an enema tube up their ass or had scalding water thrown on their balls. Weird, bizarre stuff.
They also have a superhero called "Rapeman" amongst other weird fetishy TV shows, comic books and if you've ever seen Japanese porn you know what I'm talking about. I still have to go to therapy after I saw "Johnny Fujiama Eats Popcorn Smeared With Vaginal Blood".
Oh, and they also slaughter dolphins and make movies about piano wire torture.
And Saki is overrated.
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I will be doing a Cabo San Lucas trip retrospective tomorrow or Friday. But if the next person I tell I just got back from Mexico asks me if I was "shot at", I will make the news. I promise.
Somebody watched the "Today" show! YAY!!!!

It was safer than Romeoville. Seriously. With less drunks. Seriously.
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There's a guy that I see around the area that has black lipstick, a really bad wig and this all around sort of creepy van guy vibe. He's been in my nightmares 4 nights in a row.
To give you a picture, he looks like a gay, Goth version of a really skinny Sam Rockwell with a black moustache....(Shudders) Oh, yeah. There he is.
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Oh and try not to picture the Camanche VFW when we hear this ringing endorsement of Charlie Crist in Florida's Senate race:

(BTW, way to stick up for your heritage, Rubio! Mustn't disappoint the Geriatric Bigots)

MIAMI — Gov. Charlie Crist proudly announced the endorsement of Col. Bud Day, the Vietnam veteran beloved by conservatives for his membership in the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Then Colonel Day complicated matters.

He apparently couldn’t help but link the skin color of one foe of the right – President Obama – with that of Mr. Crist’s opponent in the Florida Senate Race, Marco Rubio, who is the son of Cuban immigrants. Here’s what Colonel Day told the Northwest Florida Daily News, his local paper in the Panhandle:

“You know, we just got through (electing) a politician who can run his mouth at Mach 1, a black one, and now we have a Hispanic who can run his mouth at Mach 1. You look at their track records and they’re both pretty gritty.”

Colonel Day continued, making clear that he didn’t think much of either man for their fast-talking or use of teleprompters. “You’ve got the black one with the reading thing,” he said. “He can go as fast as the speed of light and has no idea what he’s saying. I put Rubio in that same category.”

How will Republican voters respond? In Miami’s conservative Cuban community, Colonel Day’s comments will sting, but among many of the Panhandle voters that Colonel Day has been enlisted to attract, fear of Hispanic influence is not uncommon.

The towns around where Mr. Day lives in Fort Walton Beach received their largest influx ever of Hispanic immigrants during the real estate boom, and as the bust arrived, residents began to be more vocal about what they saw that to mean. Cultural and economic concerns predominated: The police raided several businesses with Hispanic workers, with or without evidence of illegal immigrants present, and in a half-dozen reporting trips in two years, I’ve heard many versions of the same complaint: We don’t want to become Miami.

The fear, as stated tacitly by some, but also directly by others – people like Harry T. Buckles, a Navy veteran I met and wrote about two years ago in Santa Rosa County – is that all of Florida will become like South Florida, where as much as two-thirds of the population speaks a language other than English at home, and where former immigrants are serving on the top rungs of government.

Mr. Rubio, a product of Miami who rose to become speaker of the Florida House, seems to represent exactly that, at least for a certain crowd. In a similar vein, some Tea Party activists in the Villages, the sprawling retirement community north of Orlando, have recently begun demanding more information from Mr. Rubio about his stance on.

And perhaps with those voters in mind, the Rubio campaign on Tuesday chose not to criticize Colonel Day for his comments.

“Col. Bud Day is an American war hero, and we’re grateful for his service to our nation,” said Alex Burgos, a Rubio spokesman, in an e-mail message. “We hope this race will be focused on the real issues of importance to Florida voters, namely which candidate can be trusted to go to Washington, take on the Obama agenda and offer a clear alternative. We’re not holding our breath, but we hope Charlie Crist will eventually realize this.”

Monday, March 29, 2010

BRE Book Club


She read Christo and Mate's diaries!!

No Thanks, I'll Pass.....


There's nothing more annoying than being told that you "Have" to see/eat/read/enjoy something. It's a sickness for some people. They get some sort of perverse satisfaction by letting you know how much they liked it and, therefore, must be evangelical about it and tell every human they see that you must share their opinion.
Now, there's nothing wrong with recommending something to someone. But preface it. For example, "I really liked (blank movie). You may not like it but I think you will." Or something like that. Not Bania like "You have to try it. You HAVE to!"

So in that vein, here are 3 things I've been told I have to engage in and therefore, recoil from.

1. "Harry Potter"- I watched fifteen minutes of one of the movies (I think it was the first one) and was so bored I started thinking about how I'd really enjoy some fudge. I hate fudge. I know there are books and while I'm glad it got kids, y'know actually reading, it encompasses two things that make me want to run to the nearest shark tank and jump in. One, it involves wizards. Two, it has children as the protagonists. Pass.
This doesn't stop every fan of it telling me that I must read or see these incarnations. It's like a damn cult. Actually, it's Trekkies without the kitsch.

2. "the movie Audition" - Why in God's green Earth would I want to watch something like this? I have been told by so many people whose opinion I respect to see it. So, I watched the trailer on YouTube and then read the description on Wikipedia and IMDB and sat dumbfounded. (A guy actually eats vomit? Wow. Where does the line start?! I can't think of about 8,000 fucking things I'd rather do than watch THAT!! )When I read about movies like this I have to ask myself in my still young but rapidly advancing age "Do I really want to subject myself to this?" The answer is almost always "No". I have no interest in being "challenged" in the way they tell me this movie "challenges" me. A psychotic woman tortures a guy with piano wire for about a half hour. That's challenging in the same way "Two Girls and a Cup" is. It's disgusting and awful. The challenge is to not throw up. I can get the same thing from Deviled Eggs. It's also responsible for encouraging shit ass films like "Funny Games" that parade as thought provoking but are ,in essence, complete products of sick minds. It also spawned Eli Roth and the 'Saw' movies. So, that alone is worthy of disdain. As it should anyone who respects film. Not the art. The actual expensive substance. Torture porn was an abomination that makes Nicolas Cage detective movies seem palatable..Horror geeks are kinda weird anyway. Pass.

3. "Jersey Shore" - Idiots are not entertaining. Got it? I know it makes your Wal -Mart, Snoopy shirt wearing, afraid of traffic, sheltered, boring ass existence seem high falluting but it's an illusion. Yes, these people are interesting in the same way a dead horse is but at least the horse served a purpose and the carcass provides food for crows. If you have half a brain, I implore you to stop watching shit like this. Our children depend on it. Not really. I don't give a shit about kids. It's just a stupid ass show that deserves scorn not "guilty pleasure" status. Quit encouraging these dunderheads.

There you go. This will be a semi regular thing for Mate. I didn't even get to "How I Met Your Mother"......

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Oh, God Not This Shit Again......


Just wandered over to the Rivals board for the first time in awhile. Not sure why but I wondered what the ignorami was thinking about the hire. While there were some level headed ones amongst the throng, it certainly didn't disappoint.
You wonder what the color of the sky is in their world? I actually saw some "Hire Rick Majerus" threads....No, really....Honestly.

Enjoy just one random thread and try not to punch the dog........

Welcome To Iowa, "White Magic"


Yep. His nickname in college was White Magic.

If he can get Aaron Gray to retire from the NBA and join him as an assistant, Iowa would have White Magic AND the White Panther!!

Jason Williams and you got White Chocolate. Mike Miller and you got White Mike.

I can do this all day.

Apparently, his wife is a bit of a firecracker.

She actually got tossed from a game (with Fran!) for arguing with officials.

Oh, JHC. Write the script.

Early analysis is that McCaffery prefers an up-tempo style and runs a 1-2-2 zone on defense with a lot of three-quarter court traps. He doesn't emphasize the three-pointer, instead preferring to integrate it into an overall game plan that leans on an inside game (how dare you want an inside game, sir!).

Another early glance at his résumé shows his teams tend to get better as the season goes on, a dramatic departure from Lickliter's teams at Iowa.

Contrary to early reaction on the message boards (when will I learn?), this isn't some indictment of the Iowa program. This seems to be exactly the kind of guy Iowa should have got given the state of the program. Iowa's not even a top-50 program right now. Sorry, guys.

Will he put butts in seats? That might take a few games until people see what kind of style Iowa ultimately plays.

In the end, though, I can't help wondering if this choice was made first in an attempt to keep the team and the recruiting class intact.

But I don't hate the choice.


Inter Alia - Movie News

* It took ten years, but we all finally got our apology for the $6 spent on Battlefield Earth: The Saga Of The Year 3000. For the record, I went to mock it and it was even too bad to mock. Except for "Take me to the teleportation platform!"

* Speaking of bad, Motherhood, an Uma Thurman vehicle so bad that it made a mere $80,000 in the U.S. against a $5 million budget, opened in London last weekend. ONE PERSON saw it on its opening day.

* And maybe Everything That Is And Was Avatar went down too early in the BRE TOA 5. In the tradition of lonely people having WAY TOO MUCH time on their hands, Avatar fans have cracked the Na'vi language and we now have the new Klingon (exasperated exhale).

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Christ On A Cracker....

He's not coming. He never was coming. Move on.

I'm angry that it's March 25th and I'm still thinking about Iowa basketball and I have to get on the message boards. I was perfectly content to vacation from those bozos for a good 6 months.


That said, I have a feeling this hire is gonna be reeeeeeally underwhelming....."Phantom Menace" level of "meh'.

Let's Look Back




Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Think I Speak For The Committee



No retreat to the cave was needed this year to determine the winner. No endless hours poring over the awfulness and...less awfulness of both winners from their respective brackets.

This was an easy one.

But one caveat. This MIGHT have been different if both Mate and Christo followed professional football teams that fielded a collection of guys in fancy uniforms that actually did good things with an oblong leather ball.

But I doubt it.

The NFL Off-Season has extended the meatheadedness of the NFL season to 365 days a year, replete with updates and analysis about even the most inconsequential inconsequentialness. To wit: I heard WAY TOO MUCH about Nathan Vasher's release.

The NFL Combine (televised in all its 12,000-hour glory) gives the core group of NFL fans, typically a meatball homophobic lot, a real chance to salivate over half-naked men and channel their inner gay male in a more healthier way than smacking around their wife.

And less than a month away is the pièce de résistance - The NFL Draft, televised in prime time this year.

"The Bears need a safety and Caleb Hanie rules!"

And don't forget. The rise of the NFL Off-Season gives more work to two men that makes our ears bleed: Dan Hampton and Zach Zaidman...and Dan Hampton. Did I mention Dan Hampton?

Less than two weeks until Opening Day and I have to hear the 48 millionth analysis of the deficiencies of the Cover-2 on the Score? Can we just ban the use of the phrase Cover-2, please? The mere mention of it is nails on a chalkboard.

Not only is the NFL Off-Season more awful than anything else in this, the fifth edition of the Tournament Of Awful, it's just so damn timely. It got hot at the right time.

There you have it!

Winner Of The Fifth Edition Of The Big Red Egg's Tournament Of Awful: The NFL Off-Season


And The Sacrificial Lamb Has Been Chosen!


I could take the haphazard, ineffectual attempts at pissing all over the rest of the world's day.

It never works and that pisses them off even more.

As a waiter, though, I can't get past the overall experience of waiting on them, made worse by the three-hour meal where they order $13 worth of food, split the check with their other Disappointed Middle-Aged Friend and tip 15%.

You are the poop in my soup.

But...

There's Been A Ruling....

Today's bracket brought to you by "My dog waking me up at 3 in the morning three nights in a row."...I'm on no sleep. No sleep.

9) Workout Recappers vs. 3) Tea Party Convention :

The T of A Parliamentarian has made a ruling on a motion by Workout Recappers that Tea Party Convention should be disqualified from this tournament due to it essentially being the same group of inbred, ignorant, dumb ass crackers who won last year's winner "Health Care Reform Protesters". Initially, Mate testified that they were different. Yes, it was similar but this group, he thought, has a dash of Bat Shit that wasn't there at first. But....they do.
So, the Tea Party Convention has been eliminated due to a technicality. A big one, yes. But they are sent home off the court.
Workout Recappers win by forfeit and will tell you all about it while your Wang hangs out next to your locker. Even though you want to leave. Desperately.



5) The Availability Of Chinese Food At 2am As A Selling Point As To Why I Should Live Somewhere vs. 6) The NFL Off-Season :

In all candor, this could be a battle for the championship. Both are just...truly..awful. But the NFL Off Season is awful on so many different levels that it's become a juggernaut. Just like the NFL Draft Coverage that starts at 5 in the morning and goes on for infinity.
The Chinese Food people have been skewered sufficiently. But they are stuck with their insane mortgage payments and self delusion. That's punishment enough.

NFL Off Season seems unbeatable. They shoot a sizzling 65% from the floor and cruise to a 89-71 win.

So, my Final 2 are

THE NFL OFF SEASON vs. WORKOUT RECAPPERS.......

And it's not even close....The NFL Off Season is so annoying. So desperately sad. So overanalyzed. So borderline creepy. So almost/kinda/sorta gay. So silly. So pointless and so proof that alot of sports fans are just one step above brain dead.
Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Take a trip. Spend time with your wife/girlfriend/imaginary robot friend. Or here's an idea---Watch a BASEBALL GAME!!!
Workout recappers fall into that trap that ultimately gets you out of the tourney: They can be ignored. I want to punch them in the face but I can, if I want, make up an excuse and walk away.

NFL OFF SEASON gets into the Final without ever really being challenged. They win, 90-75.

Mate's Winner:




Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Down To Two For Christo


Today's action brought to you by Basking In The Glow Of A Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn-less Browns team.

Ahhhhh....I feel more centered, more aligned, like the universe is back in its balance.

Let's get started.


I hate Meringue. But some versions of Meringue aren't spit-out awful.

Sin Taxes essentially legislative behavior and are the definition of regressive taxation.

And they're made worse by the fact that it's done by city councils and county boards, collections of people who make a sport out being corrupt.

Winner: Sin Taxes in a walk, 110-88.


The plan for the Chicago Olympics seemed reasonable at first blush. Much care was given to make it marginally feasible from a financial standpoint.

It was just odd that so many people believed it was going to stay that way.

Disappointed Middle-Aged Women need you to be as miserable as them.

It's unfair that the rest of the world doesn't see how hopeless it all is so they make a sport out of bringing down the mood as best they can.

How dare you be so happy when I'm so miserable.

Winner: Disappointed Middle-Aged Women as they complain about the refereeing all game and get a call at the end, 71-70.

My winner tomorrow!


Rounding It Out

Today's action brought to you by the way the guy on the radio says "Joseph...A....Bank....". I seriously want to throw a shoe at the radio.

9) Workout Recappers vs. 13) New York Accents:
It's been so long since I've been in the presence of a true New York accent that I kind of forgot that they weren't some TV creation by some stuffed shirt exec in Burbank. But then I went to Cabo San Lucas and sat behind a family from Long Island and thought that they were doing a really weak Kristin Wiig SNL bit. But they weren't. The wife sounded like Laverne and the husband (complete with obnoxious Yankee patterned Hawaiian style shirt) sounded a tad more intelligent than a cartoon dog.
It became quite a little drinking game just to see when they would say things like "Matzo", "Derek Jeter" or "Oh, I knoooow".....I was hammered by the twenty minute mark.
Workout recappers are a whole other type of social phenomenon. Both New Yorkers and these guys (again, always a guy) give you their opinion or updates without the faintest sign of interest from you whatsoever. They just go right into it.
But at least New Yorkers are talking about something that I may (stress, MAY) find of some distant form of intrigue. A workout? This is nothing more than banal minutia that breaks up the monotony of your boring ass life. And then you feel you need to tell everyone around you about it as you have nothing else of interest going on. Go see a movie for God's sake!

Workout Recappers in a come from behind win, 83-81.







3) Tea Party Convention vs. 10) Super Bowl Commercial Analyzer:

It's amazing how these "concerned citizens" never had anything to say during previous White Guy Administrations deficit spending that was way out control. Never a word. It's just coincidence that a Black guy is in office. Right? Right.
How about that 800 billion dollar war that the previous idiot got us into on bullshit intelligence and flat out criminal like lying? What's that? Cat had your tongue during that time or were you too busy shouting "faggot" and "nigger" to passerbys?
Or how about the bloated whale carcass known as the Defense Department, whose waste alone could pay for the health care overhaul in one year? Oh, wait. That's right. Cutting that shit out would mean "I hate the troops."......Cripes what a bunch of fuckbags.
SBCA have no chance. Yeah, they're irritating but they only come around once a year. They stick around FAR too long afterwards but they still go away. Eventually.



Tea Party Convention in a walk, 99-66. They call of the dogs with 14 minutes left.

Monday, March 22, 2010

And The 2nd Half In Christo's Bracket


The second half brought to you by the Oney Guillen saga.

It's quickly turning into a Meatball Sox Fan soap drama.

Like some ABC7 news story where a family from Cicero got into a fight over the remote control and someone got stabbed with a piece of a broken coat rack.

Let's get started.


David Paterson Region

5) Anything Resembling Meringue vs. 8) MLB Network's Harold Reynolds

Harold Reynolds has been running on fumes. Seems like an affable enough guy. He just doesn't care to give any real analysis outside of setting up a "we're just a bunch of guys, sitting in the studio, havin' sum fun" laugh-jag.

The King of Meringue, lemon meringue pie is too horrendous to ignore. Much of that comes from the meringue pies I grew up on (and are chronicled in Church Cookbooks all over the country). They're odd concoctions guaranteed to bring on early onset diabetes. Just sugar and sugar with a side of sugar. Makes my teeth hurt and sits in my stomach about as well as curdled milk.

Some versions of meringue aren't terrible. Keep it low and flat, make it well, don't whip fluffy and flavor it with something...you know...tasty and it's fine, I guess. You barely know it to be meringue in the kind-I-grew-up-with version.

But you whip it fluffy, put it in the oven and brown up the peaks, it's freakin' disgusting.

Even the smell...

Winner: Anything Resembling Meringue in a surprisingly tight one ("That's what she said!"), 82-79.

2) Sin Taxes vs. 6) Restaurant Wine Prices

We were going to New York. Now we're going to Cleveland in two weeks. That's largely due to Restaurant Wine Prices.

I priced it. Six meals with wine we would drink in New York would be around $800-900. And that's not even the wine we would want to drink. It's wine we would be fine with. Sounds snooty but if we're going to go to Per Se and WD-50 to name two, places we're probably never going to get back to in this lifetime, good wine would be prudent.

With that amount of cash, we could eat and drink like kings in Lisbon in September. Four days in New York would cost roughly the same amount of money as a week in Lisbon. There's something wrong with that.

But Sin Taxes are a weird beast. It can't be pinned down to a political party. Every city council, major city and county board seem to masturbate furiously over the prospect of filling budget gaps with this shit. I totally get the cigarette tax. Smoking kills people and puts a huge burden on the health care system. But sugar water? Salt? Wine?

Why not just tax happiness?

Winner: Sin Taxes with a barrage of three pointers, 95-78.



My Final Four: Disappointed Middle-Aged Women, Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism, Anything Resembling Meringue and Sin Taxes.

A better field than I initially expected. But nothing compared to the juggernauts coming out of Mate's bracket.


First Half of the Shitty 16 In Christo's Bracket


The first half of the Shitty Sixteen brought to you by the Tribune's continued obsession with Milton Bradley.

My golly, guys. It's like going on the Hawkeye message boards and seeing 12,000 threads about Steve Alford.

Let. It. Go!

On Alford, some rumors are out there that he might be moving on from New Mexico. Oregon and...DePaul are mentioned.

Oh, PLEASE! That would be soooo entertaining!

To the action:

Mark Sanford Region

5) People Who LOVE Chianti vs. 8) Disappointed Middle-Aged Women

There IS some overlap here, as witnessed by two tables I had last night. But I dodged the biggest Disappointed Middle-Aged Woman in my world, just a hateful (insert that word here) last night, as she was sat in another section. DMAW, in large part, made the tournament because of this woman who shall remain nameless. Oh, I gots me sum stories.

People who LOVE Chianti don't really have a chance. They're simply trying to project a little knowledge about something they know nothing about, an odd but typical human trait. Annoying, sure, but not hateful.

Disappointed Middle-Aged Women embrace their hatefulness. I'm sorry you suddenly got ran over by the ugly bus and found out too late in life that you had to be smart to get anywhere. But that's not my problem.

Winner: Disappointed Middle-Aged Women in a rout, 98-72.


2) Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism vs. 14) "How To Make It In America"

This match-up is similar to watching Cornell vs. Northern Iowa if they met in the NCAA tournament. Both got by on spunk, courage and guile along with the sudden genius of their previously-unknown coaches.

I watched another episode of HTMIIA in preparation for this game and it's still bad. Not as bad, but still awful. Instead of playing up these angles, it now revolves around following the ramblings and misadventures of boring people with their boring lives and sappy-ass friends. Except it does have a COMPLETELY ORIGINAL hook: Will Ben and Rachel get back together (I looked up the names)? Yes, that'll do.

No contest, though. Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism was an abomination made worse by the fact that, even right before the vote, it looked like Chicago was actually going to get it. But that might be the thing that won it for them. The optimism was so blind that they didn't even realize the politics that had to be played to win it. Never underestimate the stupidity of international competitive bribery.

Winner: Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism with an effective, Keno Davis-style full court press, 88-73.

More to come later today or tomorrow.

Tanned Almost As Much As John Boehner....T of A Swings Back Into Action

Oh, it's so...good...to..be..back..in...Chi-- I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Back to the reality that I live in a part of the world where it SNOWS MOTHERFUCKING SIDEWAYS in the middle of March!!!!!

I counted ONE cloud the entire 5 days I was in Cabo....One.

A trip recap later in the week.

On to the T of A. We will have a winner by no later than Thursday!

Today's bracket brought to you by "Assholes Who Buy More Than 20 Dollars Worth Of Stuff at Walgreen's!"...Getting in front of you at checkout when you're buying a dollar pack of Gum for 40 years!


1) Cover Letters vs. 5) The Availability Of Chinese Food At 2am As A Selling Point As To Why I Should Live Somewhere:

I have completely given up on cover letters. I've spoken to a few people that actually do hiring (that aren't electronic or software) and they all tell me that nobody reads cover letters. And if they do, they are summarily thrown into a trash bin or erased.
So, no more.
But the very thought of them gets into a really deep down feeling of awfulness for me. There is nothing I hate more than padded unnecessary corporate verbiage. And these things make you spew it out like a Casey's Mountain Dew fountain. And it's about as palatable. I seriously feel like I need to take a bath in Everclear whenever I finish writing one.
TACFA2 is just a standard bearer for folks who try to justify why they overpay through the yin yang to live in a city where they hemorrhage money and isn't really all THAT great when they are honest with themselves.
"Yeah, I may have a ridiculously high mortgage on a place that is five blocks from a crack house but at least I can (insert thing you do maybe once a year and don't really enjoy it all that much anyway) at 2 am!"
Don't get me wrong, there are great things about living in a major metro area but joshing yourself into why doesn't make it more appealing.
Enjoy your 18 dollar pitcher of Sam Adams.....

Chinese food at 2am gets away with a last second no call on a travel, shuffles downcourt and hits a jumper as time expires to win, 56-55. A classic.


6) The NFL Off-Season vs. 10) Pittsburgh Pirates:


Heeeeeeeeeere we go with this shit again. The fucking NFL Off Season. On 670 yesterday I heard 13 of 15 minutes dedicated to the new OT rules their currently overanalyzing. Jesus.
I shudder to think what the Simpleton Sports Brigade will do if there is an actual lock out next year. We may see fat asses in Raiders jerseys sucking their thumbs on the street corner. Zach Zaidman may have to go to the loony bin.
I think i speak for Christo when I kinda go "Meh" if that happened. One thing the Chiefs being awful has taught me over the last few years is that it's kind of nice to not dedicate 4 hours of my Sunday watching grown men act like idiots.
But it would be nice to have a team that isn't terrible...
The Pirates have run out of gas. Yes, they're terrible but it's kind of like kicking a puppy. And they do get to play in a pretty cool stadium. From what I've heard.
And yes the Sox play them in Inter League AGAIN this year. Hey, I love an automatic 2 out of 3 as much as anyone but this is like 5 years in a row.

NFL Offseason cruises to a 101-78 win. A team to watch....


My Vote


This is Steve Forbes (no, not that one.).

He's the top assistant and recruiter at Tennessee.

He's also from Lone Tree, Iowa, a town that's a stone's throw from Iowa City.

So...he has a reputation as a great recruiter (brought a top class to Louisiana freakin' Tech), which Iowa desperately needs, and he's local, which immediately buys him five years in the minds of people from Hicksville, Iowa.

Plus, he's a bit chubby, something the founders of the BRE have been familiar with at various points in their life.

And he's bald, welcome to the family, Steve.

So he's not a pretty boy, which also buys him five years in the minds of people from Hicksville, Iowa.

You have my vote, Steve.

My match-ups will be up soon.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

And I Live Here Why?

In a span of 24 hours I...


Went from this.....



To This....
Fuck you, Chicago.

Yeah, it's gonna take me a day or two to get back in the swing...But T of A will continue on Monday.

Oh, and apparently Todd Lickliter got fired and Ozzie and Kenny hate each other now...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Oh, Mate...You Missed So Much!


Whenever I travel outside the purview of the American media machine, even for a few days, I always wonder a bit what stupidity I missed during the brief respite.

I'm here to tell you, Mate, that you missed NOTHING!

Lick got canned and Tiger's back with everyone immediately proclaiming his return will be watched by everyone on the planet.

There. You're caught up.

Oh, and I don't want to brag but...sure, you went to Cabo San Lucas. Well...I'm going to Cleveland in a few weeks (sticks out tongue).

The new bracket:


And upcoming match-ups in the Shitty 16:

Mark Sanford Region

5) People Who LOVE Chianti vs. 8) Disappointed Middle-Aged Women
2) Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism vs. 14) "How To Make It In America"

David Paterson Region

5) Anything Resembling Meringue vs. 8) MLB Network's Harold Reynolds
2) Sin Taxes vs. 6) Restaurant Wine Prices

Voice Automated Customer Service Region

9) Workout Recappers vs. 13) New York Accents
3) Tea Party Convention vs. 10) Super Bowl Commercial Analyzers

Saturday Mall Shopping Region

1) Cover Letters vs. 5) The Availability Of Chinese Food At 2am As A Selling Point As To Why I Should Live Somewhere
6) The NFL Off-Season vs. 10) Pittsburgh Pirates


We'll be rolling out the Shitty 16 games by Monday.


Friday, March 12, 2010

Yikes!

Hey, when I'm wrong I am woefully wrong...This little nugget of wisdom from my February 8, 2008 post after Iowa apparently played fairly well against a decent team....

Wouldn't you know it: Just when I get interested enough to make Iowa basketball "event viewing", they lose. Now they played the 8th (overrated! overrated!) ranked Wisconsin Badgers and lost by 6. They played hard and they are actually a fun team to watch.
Mark it down: Iowa will be in the Sweet 16 in 3 years under Lickliter

Wow.

Cue trumpet:




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The T of A (and Mate) will take a sabbatical until Friday of next week as I'm gonna eat and drink back at least 10 of the 18 pounds I've lost since January in Cabo.

So long, suckers.

And Christo's Shitty Sixteen Is Set


(yawn) Lickliter may or may not be gone by the wee (yawn) kend.

Speculation is running (yawn) ramp...

Oh, fuck it. I barely care. Wake me up when all this is settled.

Mate will be taking an in-tournament sabbatical south of the border to rest and relax, which brings up a possible entry into the next TOA, People Who Make, "Don't Drink The Water" Jokes When Giving Entirely Unprompted Advice For Traveling In Mexico.

When he returns, we'll conclude the tournament with the winner and a sloppily put-together video retrospective.

Let's get started.


David Paterson Region

1) Everything That Is And Was 'Avatar' vs. 8) MLB Network's Harold Reynolds

It hurt a bit for Avatar when discussing its awfulness that it was nominated for so many Oscars and took home only the technical awards.

Kind of like telling a chubby girl who's excited that she just lost 7 1/2 pounds that her dress looks nice. Don't care about Oscars but some of the potential air came out of that balloon pretty quick.

Something was avoided. I can only imagine the stupidity that might have ensued if Avatar swept the Oscars, something along the lines of 'vindication for a beautiful world that only strengthens the argument that reality is stupid. Now where's my Paxil and what's happening in my Second Life?"

And...unobtainium?

Harold Reynolds seems like a nice guy, a fun guy. But after just 15 minutes of watching Hot Stove on the MLB Network with him on the panel, every time, I say, "I do not endorse this product," followed by a channel change. He's got a little Joe Morgan in him, looking like a lost puppy whenever any of those wildly archaic and just strange-type stats like OPS and WHIP are discussed. Bring up Win Probability and his head explodes.

Plus, he's a bit too NFL Pre-Game Show fake laughy. "Just a bunch of ex-players havin' sum fun, guys. Havin'. Sum Fun!"

Tough one.

The steam is gone. I'm killing Avatar.

Winner: MLB Network's Harold Reynolds as his most recent laugh jag flummoxes Avatar, 65-60.


4) Apple Hagiography, Part XXIV vs. 5) Anything Resembling Meringue

April 3, everybody. Your life will change. Our lives will change. The world will change. A larger iPod Touch is on the way.

Don't get it and I can't wait to see how many people find out how clunky it's going to be to carry around and how limited it is. I love Apple products. Love them. But this screams of disappointment. No USB, no camera, no multi-tasking, crappy network, no flash player and no battery upgrade (notoriously an Apple product problem). But hey, it's pretty.

Mostly, it's getting old watching Apple release stuff and then re-release another version six months later that's much better. But that's capitalism, I guess. Almost makes me want to buy a Kindle out of spite.

There are few things in the food world that I hate. Meringue is one of them. Lemon meringue pie can suck it. Coconut macaroons are gag-worthy. There's something "unfinished" about the taste of meringue, like it's still in the larval stage. Heck, make a coconut meringue pie with creamed corn filling and I might be off...food...forever.

I haven't seen the iPad yet.

I've had meringue.

Winner: Anything Resembling Meringue with a shutdown 1-3-1 zone, 79-58.


3) Chicago Parking Meter Boxes vs. 6) Restaurant Wine Prices

There is one thing nice about the new parking boxes. No more parking meters that were last serviced in the Truman Administration. But that's it. And that's the problem.

This is convenience? May I ask how, dear Mayor?

But they don't have a chance against Restaurant Wine Prices. Recently, we were planning a trip to New York City based around food. And then I looked at the wine prices on the menu of the restaurants we wanted to visit. Well...New York City can wait. We're going to Portugal in September because it would basically cost the same amount of money (Overseas for a week basically equals three days in NYC = whaaaa?).

I could give a ton of examples but here are a couple. We like López de Heredia Spanish wines. Quite a lot, actually. Per Se in New York, a spectacular restaurant that's world-renowned and has one of the best wine lists in the world, carries a ton of wines from Heredia.

Like:

'98 Rosado for $95 - I bought it at Binny's a month ago for $20.
'81 Bosconia GR for $365 - I bought it at Wine Discount Center about a year ago for $80.
'00 Tondonia Reserva for $32 by the glass - We've bought multiple bottles at Binny's for...yep...$32.

And my favorite at another restaurant in New York, the '04 Ducru Beaucaillou for $250 - I bought it (on sale and was probably a mistake on their part) at Binny's a year ago for $40.

I get it. It's a fabulous tax. And you get to have a good wine with what would be ridiculously good food. I understand why it's done and, in New York, it has to be done because of the real estate costs, costs of operation, etc. Per Se is "an experience." Yes. But New York, we'll get to you when I start crapping money and feel like flushing it right back down.

Not even close.

Winner: Restaurant Wine Prices in a blowout, 101-78.

2) Sin Taxes vs. 10) People Who Think That A Snowstorm Means Global Warming Is False

Letting state representatives and city aldermen regulate the things we put into our body is like letting your two year-old choose what house to buy. These aren't the sharpest tacks in the box, people:
New York State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz has introduced a bill that would outright ban the use of any salt in the preparation of restaurant food. “In this way,” Ortiz babbles maniacally to Nation’s Restaurant News, “consumers have more control over the amount of sodium they intake, and are given the option to exercise healthier diets and healthier lifestyles.”
Banning salt...in the PREPARATION of food. Does this dope understand how the basic cooking process works? And forget any baked product. That would be like eliminating the baseball in a baseball game because someone might get hurt. Food needs salt. Your body needs salt, idiot.

But the door was opened with every other stupid sin tax/ban. Seriously, where's that pamphlet on libertarianism?

The snowstorm-global warming people are simply a subgroup of morons manifesting a behavior that's inherent in a group of conservatives raging against the dying of the light. Could somebody tell me what conservatism stands for these days cuz I can't figure it out. Too much willful stupidity for my world.

Biggest blowout of the tournament, though. Spring is here, no more snow and snow-related meteorological dumbness.

Winner: Sin Taxes in a runaway, 121-59.

Shitty 16 For Mate

Mate is going Pacific!! The wife and I are off to Cabo San Lucas starting Monday. I know. I know. I'm unemployed. But we got free airline tickets and a great, cheap deal. We're going. Wife needs it badly.
And, yes, I am aware we are going to this during Spring Break. I don't plan on punching Backwards Hat Todd from Michigan State but I make no promises.

Onward....
3) Tea Party Convention vs. 6) Jared Jewelry Commercials:

I went by a Jared the other day and just thinking of the commercial where the two women are sitting in the living room drinking coffee in their jammies going batshit over the obnoxious, oversized rock her boyfriend had starved himself for 5 years to buy and I shuddered.
Those ads are just so fucking infuriating that I can't get past it. I should just chalk it up to marketing. I shouldn't blame the ads. After all, it's the people who actually buy into this bullshit that is the real villains.
But they are just so insulting and stomach churning....
But ultimately they are harmless. They perpetuate a stereotype and make women feel they aren't worth a drop of pig shit unless they blind passerbys with their finger shine. But they aren't racist. They aren't paranoid. They aren't hypocritical. They aren't scary. They aren't batshit crazy. They aren't hate filled assholes who all of a sudden are angry at the deficit spending that has gone on since the Nixon Administration, coincidentally, the minute we have a Black President. Just a coincidence. Right.
Tea Party Convention gets a fight but they are too much down the stretch and pull away for a 73-69 win.


2) Progressive Girl vs. 10) Super Bowl Commercial Analyzers:


I've noticed something lately. The new Progressive ads the annoying Perky Girl is actually toning it down a bit. Seriously. She's not as annoying. Maybe I'm reading way too much (and I do watch way too much TV) but it seems less in your face excitement about insurance.
There are STILL people analyzing the commercials from the Super Bowl. Still! The Onion once again nails it.
But there are two things at a party that will make me leave: Cigar smoking and advertising people talking about advertising. (Mate form cloud of dust forms)
And, people, beer commercials are NOT....FUNNY!

SBCA win easily as they shoot 56% from 3 point range and cruise 90-69.
A Number 2 goes down.


1) Cover Letters vs. 9) Trying To Navigate TJ Maxx:

Oh, good lord, cover letters. I've actually stopped writing them. I came to the conclusion that a cover letter is pointless. Every job I've ever got were won sans cover letter.
Pointless corporate speak drivel.

Dear Sir: I want this job. That's why I've bothered to send you my resume. If you want me to further explain myself, call me.
Mate

TJ Maxx has nothing really going for it. I know the wife finds shit there that is less expensive then it is at the overpriced mall stores. Fine. Go there. I will take a cue from Christo and sit in the car like a crazy old man and listen to NPR. Wake me up when you're done.

Cover letters win in a walk, 85-56.


1) Sports In February vs. 9) Workout
Recappers:

I think sports in February got a bit of a high seed because when we do this it's always fresh in our mind. Now that I'm seeing baseball highlights on ESPN or MLBN my hatred of it dies down a bit.
You can kind of look at it as a cleansing month. I certainly don't mind having a month off from blown saves, Ricky Stanzi brain farts and horrible laughable attempts at bunting. So, throwing all these horseshit sports into one 28 day month is OK in the long run.
Workout recappers are the same cut as Backward Hat Todd. Slack jawed, googly eyed, simpletons who use words like "bro", "chief" and call pizza "za" or "a slice". Of course, they cant eat pizza because it has "carbs" and they may make them look mildly unattractive to the self loathing former sorority girl who has downed her 6th Long Island Iced Tea.
Workout recappers take out a #1. Their awfulness is getting hot at the right time. SIF backed into the tourney and suffer a 83-76 loss.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

There Is Talk...


Only talk. Just saying. For health reasons.

Sweet fancy Moses!

That was one unremarkable season.