" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Sunday, February 28, 2010

The March 2010 BRE TOA Begins...Now!

Day One action is brought to you by The World's Smallest Horse.

"This is certainly the kind of intelligent...audience participation I was...hoping to have here...on Vermont Today."

"This isn't a horse! This is a basset hound!"

Let's get right to the action.

Mark Sanford Region

1) 1-877-Kars-4-Kids Commercials vs. 16) Corporations Are People?

Seems like a worthy cause. Donate your car to help kids fight cancer. Seems like a good way to get money for an organization as well. Tax-deductiblity seems like a good way to get people to do something that wouldn't normally do.

Hmm. How are they going to get people to remember that their organization exists amidst the thousands of other organizations also doing admirable work?

I know! Come up with a jingle so throw-your-shoe-at-the-radio annoying that people won't be able to not remember them!

It's not the child singing that's annoying. It's the incessant monotone, the sheer length and the looping repetitiveness of it. Listen to the same radio station for more than a couple hours on a certain day and you hear it eight times. They buy it in ad blocks to compound on the annoying effect.

Hatred for the 1-877-Kars-4-Kids Ads isn't new. But when I found myself singing it in the shower in a fourth kind of nails-on-the-chalkboard voice last month, it came to a second-order crescendo for me.

And then I found out that the donation itself and where the money goes is a little more complicated than that. Don't have a problem with it but not saying that upfront is a wee bit dirty.

But you know what? We're going to have our first upset of a #1 seed right off the bat. First day! First game! Wow!

I'm not going to pretend to know the ins and outs along with the ultimate ramifications of the recent Supreme Court case that struck down McCain-Feingold. Basically, they took a case that questioned whether a corporation can be barred from endorsing a candidate and crossed the Rubicon into giving corporations the same rights as sentient beings w/r/t elections.

It was going to happen eventually. The Supreme Court is in the business of interpreting the Constitution regardless of the nature, quality, goodness or badness of outcomes. And all that was the conservative wing's out-pitch. Perfect case, perfect time for the conservatives.

But just because it's a plausible interpretation of the law doesn't mean it doesn't reek of political maneuvering. In the end, while this day was going to come, the Supreme Court seemed to relish in the opportunity to make real campaign finance reform even harder to reach by attaching precedent to the argument for strong, First Amendment corporate rights.

They didn't have to do that, probably shouldn't have done given the Court's history with avoiding such sweeping decisions, but they did.

Winner: Corporations Are People? with its paradigm-changing ball play, 80-62.

6) Masturbation Over Starlin Castro vs. 11) Gap Christmas Ads

Let's go down memory lane with a list of Cub players thought to be the next big thing.

Damon Berryhill
Dwight Smith
Jerome Walton
Hector Villanueva
Doug Dascenzo
Ced Landrum
Gary Scott
Derrick May
Tuffy Rhodes
Tyler Houston
Hee Seop Choi
...and Mickey Morandini...oh...wait...

Misty, color-colored memories...of the way...they were.

I blame Jim Callis of Baseball America. It's not really his fault and he shouldn't have to take Chicago meatball fans into account when making an evaluation. But when he said last week on The Score that Castro's ceiling might be a Derek Jeter type, thousands of shabby, dumpster-couch-strewn apartments all over Wrigleyville were left with fresh ejaculate all over their beer-stained floors.

It was innocent enough. He was only saying that he could grow into the body type with a little pop, above-average speed, hit for a .300 average and field his position at a level beyond his years. It was only a ceiling and body type comparison. I guar-an-tee that didn't matter.

31 games above A ball and he's the next Cubs' savior.

My guess on the headline the day he gets called up: The Stars Align For Starlin Castro

You know, because 'star' is in his name.

This just isn't a very smart baseball town, is it?

I think the weirdest thing about the Gap Christmas ad campaign a few months ago was that it never reached the point of laughably annoying, instead, always staying in a holding pattern right above infuriatingly annoying. And if it was just one of the ads, like just the kids and not the hipster 20-somethings, I don't think it would have had the same effect.

The cutesy kids ad dripped with so much couch-writhing, excessively cloying cuteness that you know it worked on so many parents looking to dress their kids up like seasonal Barbie dolls. The Gap was offering a line of wear that allowed mothers to dress their children up in matchy-matchy outfits while still offering some level of "independence" and "personality" (same clothes...but different colors! Eureka! And I can buy all of them at the mall while still getting my daily Starbuck's! That saves time!). It's a unique psychological disorder, that - wanting to dress up your children in the same clothes. And The Gap made it cheap and easy.

I simply wanted to knee one of the 20-something hipsters in the groin. But the Unbearable Cuteness Of Being in the kids' commercial was over the top. I have a feeling that thousands of women got vicariously pregnant every time they saw it.

And whatever you do, don't read the comments on its YouTube page.

Really, I thought I was done with getting my undergarments in a clump over a commercial. Guess not.

Barring injury, Castro most likely won't see the field this year so...

Winner: Gap Christmas Ads with their spunky toughness, 68-58.

David Paterson Region

1) Everything That Is And Was Avatar vs. 16) Church Cookbooks

I haven't seen Avatar so I can't speak on it with any authority.

I have listened to some people I know talk about it like it was a religious awakening.

And, of course, there was this over at the SNC. Check out the replies in the comments section! Whew! That's pure, unadulterated, batshit looniness!

I don't think I'll be seeing it anytime soon, mainly because I know the movie revolves around obtaining a rare metal called 'unobtainium' and it takes place on a moon called Pandora. Spoon feed much? What am I, eight?

In small towns, you hold your good recipes close to the vest. The good ones are part of you, part of your personality, part of who you are in relation to the town. Mrs. Chadwick down the street may be a hard-working housewife with two bland kids and a husband who ignores her in the exact same way Mrs. Jones is two streets over but have you had her beef stroganoff? It's heaven!

Church cookbook entries, then, become a strategic game. Give a little but never much. Sometimes, it's a big fuck you to the church cookbook organizer over some long-forgotten slight, something like forgetting to say goodbye after the 4th grade Christmas pageant in 1984 ("the least she coulda done is say goodbye. I even brought her a pie last month when Jim was sick and she barely said thank you for that!").

We here at the BRE attempted to capture Church Cookbook Magic back in October by whipping up a few recipes from Christo's childhood church cookbook. It died a quick death due to the tongue-scrapping awfulness of the concoctions.

But you can read the two entries that saw the light of day here and here.

Bad, bad, bad food. I can still taste the popcorn salad.

But this isn't that close.

Winner: Avatar with its ubiquitous ubiquity all over the court, 100-70.

6) Restaurant Wine Prices vs. 11) This Season Of The Office & 30 Rock

We're currently planning a trip to New York in April revolving around restaurants. It's the same kind of thing we did with San Francisco and Toronto recently. Food and wine first with sightseeing second.

With that planning comes pouring over menus of places where we want to make a reservation and all I can say in the early stages is....WOW!

I work in the restaurant world and have dealt with setting wine lists and prices so I understand the markups and overall restaurant economics involved. Wine is where restaurants make their money. It usually starts at two-and-a-half times the average retail value of each wine. If the restaurant is in a prime location, three times isn't out of the ordinary since they have to factor in higher operating costs. Three-and-a-half times retail and the restaurant is usually overcompensating for some deficiency in the business model or cut a bad real estate deal.

This is a much more complicated argument with oodles of nuance but if a restaurant is charging more than about three times a readily available wine that you can find at multiple wine shops, well, you know that restaurant probably isn't that spectacular. If they're charging that for wines that are kinda rare, older vintages, have a list focusing on smaller producers, etc., then a good argument could be made for such things. Storage and care, effort to find them, trips taken to taste various wines in order to create a wine list personality and so on costs money.

But there are a decent amount of restaurants right here in Chicago that I would be very tempted to go to based solely on their food but when I see what they're charging for a wine I can get in town or order off the internet, something's got to be wrong with something.

It's gotten a lot better in the recession as customers fled high-end restaurants by the boatload. I've seen so many corrections on so many lists all over town in the last year with many lists dropping the price they used to charge by $30-50 or more just in the last year.

But essentially, many restaurants prey on the fact that the vast majority of the public, including many diners at high-end places on expense accounts, don't know the first thing about wine and their actual prices.

I have more on this and have a lot of feelings, apparently. We'll get into some examples in the next round as This Season of The Office & 30 Rock doesn't have a chance.

But This Season of The Office & 30 Rock has been bad. Bad and boring. The last episode of 30 Rock felt like they were trying to mock their own style, even down to the acting. And I don't think The Office writers know what to do with the show anymore. Both feel like the TV fairy took off the charm spell this season as I've had too many moments where I said, "What the hell was that?"

My worst fear with 30 Rock was always in the back of my mind when I watched it: What if Alec Baldwin wasn't on this show? Would I watch it? Probably, I guess. Even he hasn't been great this season.

My worst fear with The Office was watching them wander into Simpson's territory where Apu, Mo and Nelson get into wacky adventures. Some of the plot lines this season have felt somewhat close to that.

I'm giggling a bit at both shows this season but both just aren't doing anything for me overall.

Modern Family and Parks & Recreation have vastly outperformed both and it's not even close in my world.


Winner: Restaurant Wine Prices with its high-paid frontline, 82-59.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Christo's Bracket - BRE's TOA March 2010 Edition

Yeeeessss. These'll do.

This is the fifth Tournament of Awful for us young rapscallions.

Previous winners include:

Health Care Reform Protesters - still awful

Text Messaging - still awful

Overly Competitive Softball/Pickup Basketball Guy - always awful

White Castle - Yep. Still awful.

Who will join this legendary lineup?

We're about to find out.

Mark Sanford Region

1) 1-877-Kars-4-Kids Commercials vs. 16) Corporations are People?
8) Disappointed Middle-Aged Women vs. 9) Assholish Middle-Aged Men
4) Bret Bielema vs. 13) Credit Card Companies
5) People who LOVE Chianti vs. 12) Tony Dungy's Tim Tebow Crush
3) Jury Duty vs. 14) How to Make It In America
6) Masturbation over Starlin Castro vs. 11) Gap Christmas Ads
7) Urban Meyer vs. 10) Huffington Post
2) Blind Chicago Olympic Optimism vs. 15) Alarmist News Pieces Like "Dust Can Kill You!"

David Paterson Region

1) Everything That Is And Was Avatar vs. 16) Church Cookbooks
8) MLBNetwork's Harold Reynolds vs. 9) MLBNetwork's Sean Casey
4) Apple Hagiography, Part XXIV vs. 13) Women's Hipster Military Caps
5) Anything Resembling Meringue vs. 12) People Who Get Upset At Baseball Computer Models
3) Chicago Parking Meter Boxes vs. 14) Women's Butt Ads
6) Restaurant Wine Prices vs. 11) This Season of The Office & 30 Rock
7) The Fiddling Democratic Congress vs. 10) People Who Think A Snowstorm Means Global Warming Is False
2) Sin Taxes vs. 15) The Mariners' Bandwagon

Bone up on your Tournament Of Awful knowledge with last edition's retrospective:

Tip-off Monday.

See you there.

Game On!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

TOA: A Preview

This is Starlin Castro.

He's 6'1" and 160 lbs. soaking wet.

He's also 19 years old.

And he's played 31 games above A ball.

Yet he is the new Cubs' messiah.

Masturbation Over Starlin Castro draws a first round matchup against Gap Christmas Ads in the forthcoming Big Red Egg's Tournament Of Awful.

My brackets will be up tomorrow or over the weekend. Still working on them.

On another note, we lost a family member yesterday. Mr. Snrub has shut down All You Care To Eat.

We shall miss you, my friend.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's February 23rd...That's More Than Enough Time For The Bat Shitters To Screw the GOP

Just give the Right Wing enough time to show who they truly are and they'll find a way to remind us all of why they had 14% approval this time last year...

Case In Point: The stupidest idea ever. Oh, and some damn fine interviewing there Neil Cavuto. For a better 5 second analysis by a non douchebag as to why this won't work, read here...Of course, any first year Community College Economics Major could come up with 454 reasons why this is fucking idiotic. The main one being, Oh, I dunno...that gold and silver prices FLUCTUATE more than a goose fart. Enjoy paying 24 dollars for milk, Hillbilly Jim.
Those Yankee Rapscallions!!When will Rep. Pitts petition the state government to bomb Ft. Sumter?
Man, between this and Mark Sanford South Carolina is beginning to make Mayberry look like Cambridge. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: "What is going on in this community?!"
Quick. How many days until the TeaBaggers call for Scott Brown's head for voting for the jobs bill?
Get in bed with a Grizzly, Scottie and you get what you deserve.

UPDATE: It took a day and a half!
Rush Limbaugh has chest pains and walks out of the hospital? Now Cheney too? I've been throwing pennies in the wishing fountain. Maybe I need nickels.

Yeah, I said it. They're assholes.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Back From Self-Imposed Exile

The North Side offices of the BRE took a much-needed sabbatical from the chronicles of disgust and boy, was it needed.

This winter has made me understand what people are talking about when they talk about the Chicago winter blues.

I never had it, nay (hey, that's my name!) even recognized it as legitimate, before. Personally, I blame Hawkeye basketball. That and the fact that I think it's finally dawned on me in all its totality that these interwebs are a colossal waste of time.

Kinda like digging through piles of shit to find a Snickers bar and even then, the Snickers bar looks remarkably similar.

Only took me ten years.

So we'll get back on the horse slowly.

The Rules For Writing An Episode of 'How To Make It In America'

1. Jokes are optional and are actually kinda frowned upon. This is about the Magic of New York. That's enough.

2. In every scene involving an after-hours art show/fashion show (at least two per episode is a requirement), make sure at least 26 different ethnicities are represented. Because that's sooooo New York.

3. We mistakenly miscast the lead. What was seen as a blank slate in a good way morphed into a vapid, blank stare. Run with it. We'll dress him in ironic T-shirts and that will make up for our mistake.

4. People like watching pretty people so all the women characters will be pretty first, interesting...well...never. So don't worry about writing for the women's roles. They're simply eye-candy. We'll have plenty of side-boob, hard nipple shots in tight t-shirts to distract.

5. We're an Entourage rip-off but our characters are poor and in New York. Nobody will be able to crack that code. Nothing has to really happen in each episode. Just add to the journey of the main characters rubbing with the glitterati. That's what people want to see.

6. No less than 48 hand-smack, half-hug greetings per episode. Two per minute as a general rule or you will not be asked to write for us again.

7. The fact that the two main characters don't seem to have any real background in fashion or art (the main character is a fashion school drop-out), but seem to get into every party imaginable is irrelevant. Continuity and believablity are not prerequisites. We have flashy, gritty stills of New York streetlife as segues to give us credibility.

8. The fact that the two main characters are a couple of dolts is also irrelevant. Our simplistic view of the American Dream will suffice. People succeed based on luck and some vague idea of "making it" will keep people tuning in.

9. HBO has done a spectacular job of pumping out utter crap since the Six Feet Under/The Wire days so we have free rein and tons of time to develop our characters. Entire episodes where the characters talk about getting laid with corresponding jokes referencing the fact that they aren't are not only warranted but rewarded. In fact, everything that would resemble a joke should be a fuck joke.

10. "Passion" and "Ambition" are the cornerstones of our characters, not smarts and wit. Make sure every episode has them doing something cutely stupid and end the episode with another "wacky" idea rooted in their supposedly oh-so-adorable charm. People will follow that. A closing elevator as a fade-out will do. Maybe a sly smile after the next "wacky idea" reveal. We'll do the rest with some thumping, New York hip-hop music over the credits.

Understand that people just want to watch a life that they don't have, preferably following a guy that is as dumb as them. Follow these rules and you will be rewarded. Deviate by injecting something resembling depth and you will be shown the door.

Thanks, HBO. Your string continues.

Tournament of Awful March 2010 Edition

Here we go. Mate's Pairings:

Obviously subject to change as I'm pretty sure I've repeated myself from a previous incarnation:


1) Sports in February 16) Nia Vardallos
8) Yoga Guys 9) Workout Recappers
4) Value City Ads 13) New York Accents
5) Second City Self Back Patting 12) Dan McNeil Music Parodys
3) Tea Party Convention 14) The overuse of the word "fabulous"
6) Jared Jewelry Commercials 11) Wearing a Scarf
7) Newsweek 10) Super Bowl Commercial Analyzers
2) Progressive Girl 15) Two Buck Chuck


1) Cover Letters 16) Pat Fitzgerald
8) Trying to Navigate Home Depot 9) Trying to Navigate TJ Maxx
4) Morissey Fans 13) Judd Apatow's Inability to Fucking Edit
5) The Availability of Chinese Food at 2am as A Selling Point As To Why I Should Live Somewhere 12) Lou Holtz
3) Jay Leno 14) People Who Spent Way Too Much Time Bitching About Jay Leno
6) The NFL Off Season 11) Fantasty Football Nerds
7) Big Ten Network Announcers 10) Pittsburgh Pirates
2) Laugh Way Too Hard Celebrity Red Carpet Reporters 15) Iowa BB Attendance

More Shit From the Teabagger Assholes...

In case you had a running pool on what would be the most offensive/stupid thing said at the annual Wing Nut Fest ,er, I mean CPAC, and had this idiot, YOU WIN!
Apparently he's the founder of some website for Jagoffs called Human Events. I have just looked at it for the first time.
It's comical.

And, of course, according to the guy* he introduced with his hilaaaaarious joke about an attack that killed one** and injured many, the worse thing about it was that the tax payers will have to foot the bill for clean up.
No, seriously. Pay the clip.

(yep his name is Grover, Honest to goodness, his parents named him Grover)*

(Sorry but I don't include the jackass pilot in the death toll. Good riddance, fuckbag.) **

Kind of speaks for itself....

Friday, February 19, 2010

"And I Also Have Some Swampland That Might Interest You."

Remember everyone.

It's not about any real truth.

It's about whether John and Doug from Schenectady will buy Gilette razors and GM trucks again.

Let's see how many people fall for it.

That's the new societal game, isn't it?

See who buys the bullshit.

I don't care about any of it. Never did. Never will. But WOW! Knee. Deep.

Christo will be back on the horse by Monday. He needed a two week break.

Friday Isn't For Thinking

Anybody else want to slap the perky Progressive Insurance Girl as much as I do?
I'm down to 235. I haven't been this weight since the early '00s. My stomach doesn't protrude (I still have to shed a bit of it), my face isn't as puffy and I feel more energetic. It's fantastic.
However, I am about to get in a fight in the gym locker room if I have to either a) get into a conversation with or b) overhear two guys talking about the minutia detail of their workouts.
Why would anyone on the planet feel the details of their triceps workout be of any interest whatsoever?
And they all have that same Frat Boy slack jaw look to them. Just picture Mickey's or the Airliner on a Friday night for dollar pints. THAT'S them.

In honor of my weight loss (and Christo's beating me to it by 10 years), I give you a touching tribute to the memory of fat Christo and Mate....

I made the brilliant decision yesterday to attempt to walk both dogs. Yes, one is four months old and the other is just starting to be good on the leash. It was a catastrophe of biblical proportions.
I tripped over the puppy at least 5 times and had to carry him for about half the walk while the other dog tugged on the other side.
Yes, it was a fine day and this is quite a life I lead.
Speaking of which, the worst part of unemployment has hit me. The goddamn boredom. Jesus I'm fucking bored.
Tuesday at 2:00 I officially hit the "I have absolutely nothing to do" moment. I literally racked my brain to find something, anything to bide my time. I had cleaned the house, looked for jobs, scoured the Internet about 500 times and ate.
I was flummoxed.
I went for a walk. It killed a half hour.
Oh, boy the guy from Naperville won the Gold! I can't believe...Nope, I still don't care.
Dick Cheney said yesterday that he may consider running for office again...Well, kind of, as he was greeted with much enthusiasm at the CPAC Conference.
That sound you hear is the Democratic Party leaders saying in unison, "Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please..."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Pitchers and Catchers Report---THANK GOD!

With the end of the Iowa football season came two and a half months of horrible, embarrassing, unwatchable basketball**, the horrendously awful Winter Olympics, NASCAR (does this season ever end?) and of course, the Iowa basketball team...

**the NBA

It all comes to a head when the annual Holiday for Sports Fans With Low Attention Spans, otherwise known as the NBA All Star Game, rears it's annual ugly, banal, boring ass head.
(They still do the dunk contest?! Really?!What's left to do?)

But then I hear those fantastic words "Pitchers and catchers report today!"...Yeah, sure it's the Cubs but it's still baseball...

So, here's my annual way too early predictions for the 2010 MLB Season:

1. Angels
2. Mariners
3. Rangers
4. A's

1. Sox
2. Twins
3. Tigers
4. Royals
5. Indians

1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Rays
4. Orioles
5. Blue Jays

ALCS: Yankees over Red Sox (Yawn)

1. Dodgers
2. Giants
3. Diamondbacks
4. Rockies
5. Padres

1. Cardinals
2. Cubs
3. Brewers
4. Reds
5. Astros
6. Pirates

1. Phillies
2. Mets
3. Braves
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

NLCS: Phillies over Cardinals

WORLD SERIES: Phillies over Yankees

Yeah, I got the Sox winning the Central. The rotation makes them better. And I'm not sold on the Twins now that they don't get an extra 6 wins a year because of the fact they played in that abortion of a stadium.

So, call Vegas. Now.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

We Thought It Impossible

Watched this yesterday.

It's really hard to do so I give them props.
Making a film about inherently interesting and famously adventurous Depression era bank robber John Dillinger dull as pig shit is one helluva an accomplishment!

Wow. I turned it off 3 times. Twice to get GUM! And, normally, when the dog goes into a barking jag during a movie watching I get seriously annoyed. This time? A welcome respite.
Johnny Depp is fiiiine. He's essentially playing Johnny Depp so, y'know, well done. And Michael Mann, I guess, wanted it to be paced so sluggishly that wanted "Attack of the Clones" to seem like rapid fire machine guns.
I was seriously waiting for the Holy Grail "Get on with it!" from Scene 24!
I don't know about you but nothing gets my juices flowing in a gangster movie like 25 minutes of bore your ass off scenes with Dillinger espousing his affection for some lady he fancies. The bat shit conspiracy theorist Marion Cortilard . (BTW, That little diatribe has been nicely swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit) is squeaky sneaker annoying.
Sidenote (again):Why does everyone whisper in the goddamn movies nowadays?!! Jesus H Christ on a Fucking Ritz Cracker stop with this!!
I'm trying to think of any reason to watch this. I'm gettin' nuthin'.....
Boring. Boring. Boring.
Did I say boring?

Rent it if you want to take a nice long middle of the afternoon boredom nap.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Mate's Musings

Well, the gift giving season is now over until the wife's birthday in November. Thank God. I could use the break.
As much as my wife says Valentine's Day is "no biggie" I know if I ignored it and didn't get her anything I would be in BIG trouble.
So, I use it as an excuse to buy a new bottle of Pinot Noir and try to cook something I usually wouldn't attempt. Last night? A whole wheat crust veggie pizza (spinach, artichoke hearts, tomato, mozzarella and mushrooms) teamed with this Oregon wine.
The Pizza? I give it a "B". Needed another few minutes in the stove. Wine? "A". Seriously good. 22 bucks a bottle. A little pricey but worth it.
5 days until Sox pitchers and catchers report to camp. There's no real drama with the rotation so it's going to be a "who hurts himself first?" pool. I'm going with Floyd. He's due for something weird to happen to him.
A better one will be "When will Ozzie say something racist?"....I'll go with March 2nd.
108,000 people showed up for the NBA All Star game yesterday. To watch that. No, really. That.
Went to a movie on Saturday and compromised with the wife. I had no intention of sitting through "Valentine's Day" and she nixed my "Edge of Darkness" vote so we went to "It's Complicated"....I wanted to hate it. Really. But...
It's actually pretty good. But can we stop with the scenes of the women getting together for "Girls Night" and drinking wine and eating cake and gossiping about men or whatever. Then they scream and dance around when they hear new "crazy" news?
Do ANY women actually do this? Seriously.
And Rita Wilson seems to be in every one of these scenes.
But the movie was good. Just hit forward when you see Rita Wilson's face. Trust me.
Did you see any of that Iowa-Purdue game Saturday? I did. About a half. Good...Fucking..God.
BUT it was nice to dash Northwestern's hopes for the tournament. I don't really do the "revenge'" bullshit that permeates the message board/mouth breather wasteland but it's just nice to think of this assbag pissed off....
The only thing that would've been true karma would've been knocking out their best player in the first half.
Whomever that is.....
T of A March Edition preview:


Starts March 1st!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


There isn't enough dope and wine on the planet that will convince me to watch this...

Once again, Generation X gets a movie soaked in knee deep bullshit nostalgia for a cartoon that was stupid to begin with.

Put this in the same pile as the Winter Olympics, analyzing Super Bowl commercials, the NBA All Star Game and the Grammys.
The one labeled "Shit I Avoid"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Double Standard Police

So, let me get this straight. After decades of TV commercials where men are portrayed as boyish idiotic buffoons who are distracted by electricity, shiny things and beer, we have some mediocre commercials that rattled the "looking to be offended" faction of the feminist movement?
First off, they weren't even that clever. And, if anything, they once again relegated men to a level of single minded stupidity: cars and beer.
Second, I'll repudiate these ads once these folks start getting angry about the hundred something ads where men are looked at as barely more intelligent than a retarded bear.
Oh, better not say "retarded" as I may get fake indignation from Sarah...
And the Tebow ad? Totally harmless. If there hadn't been a hullabaloo before it would anyone know what it was even about?
It looked like an ad for E-harmony.
And stop with the "40 million viewers of the Super Bowl are women" shit, please. It's event television. When you get event television, 50% of these folks are watching it because they're supposed to.
Therefore, it gets HUGE ratings.
And it's an excuse to get together with your boring friends and sappy ass family and have a party or something.
I hate to sound sexist* but every time I've been to a party for the SB, a good 75% of the people in attendance are talking amongst themselves, eating in the kitchen or hanging out on the patio. The rest of us are in the living room watching the game.
And there's few women in the living room.

I agree with Snrub. The Super Bowl is overrated. It's a championship game that, if my team were in it, I would be intent on watching. Otherwise?...............
Now comes the 3 months of off season Bears news. Christ. It never ends!!

"We need to sign Jooliush Pepperz!", "Why can't we trade Jay Cutler straight up for Breesh?"

And on and on and on....

Monday, February 8, 2010

Sunshine and Lollipops

874 new homes were built in New Orleans last night finally giving much needed shelter to families left homeless by Hurricane Katrina.

3,190 children will now be able to attend school because streams of new revenue have been generated to impoverished neighborhoods and grossly underfunded schools

Countless lines of people are lining up at the offices of contractors and construction companies to fill out applications for thousands of new jobs created in the last 24 hours, for reinvigorating the damaged infrastructure to the city and state crippled by the damage done by the disaster.

Insurance companies have stopped being the hypocritical, evil, corporate, greedy assholes they are and seen the error of their ways and given payments out to folks left abandoned by them in the wake of Katrina. "We just thought it was time for us to reassess our empty souls." said Cheryl Howard, spokesman for the insurance lobby.

And why is this all happening?

Because a bunch of millionaires who play for New Orleans Professional Franchise beat another bunch of millionaires who play for another professional franchise in a football game.

Hey, there's nothing like your team winning a championship. Hell, it took me three years to come down from the orgasm that was the 2005 World Series but...Stop. With. This. Shit.

Sports victories do not "heal" anything.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010

Tea Party!

A large group of White, ignorant, paranoid, racist hillbilly crackers are getting together in a southern state to listen to publicity seeking, blowhard, antagonistic public figures rally about "state's rights"...

We used to call these "Klan Rallies".......

Thursday, February 4, 2010


God, what a skeeve.
I'm not going to say anything about John Edwards that hasn't already been said but if this dude is telling the truth (and he is), he makes Bill Clinton look like Gandhi.
Blow job outside the oval office or knocking up a staffer while your wife is dying of cancer and then forcing your friend to take the fall? Bill's shenanigans seem almost cute by comparison.
I need a shower.
100,000 votes in Ohio away from being Vice President, folks.
OK, so the Super Bowl is Sunday and while, yes, I will watch it, I don't really care because for the 789th year in a row the Kansas City Chiefs will not be playing in it. So, the game becomes more of a "because it's on TV" thing for me.
Yeah, I'll watch it but I don't really get into it.
That said, if you have anyone tell you they watch the Super Bowl or go to a party "for the commercials" please punch them in the throat for me. Thanks.
Also, after this game is over we get into SPORTS PURGATORY. Spring Training gets started in a few weeks and while that is all well and good, the games mean nothing and it's really just conditioning for the first couple of weeks.
So this is what we can look forward to in this awful, awful month:

the NBA All Star Game
Daytona 500
College basketball games that determine seeds in the conference tournaments
The Winter Olympics (where we all pretend to care about bobsledding)

**(Yes I know hockey is going on and yes, I know the Blackhawks are damn good. I wish I cared but I just don't...It didn't take. Christo and I tried at the same time. Lasted about as long as our vegetarianism..)

See you in March......I'm outta here, losers. (Slams door shut and walks down long, noisy corridor..Engine starts...)
You know how you determine if you live in a Hillbilly neighborhood? The amount of people who have yet to take their Christmas shit down by February.
In my block alone I count 5. Haven't seen a number like that since my year living in Clinton. Not too shabby, Romeoville. Not too shabby.
Have you seen the Value City ads with the White people dancing like White people? I get it. They're supposed to be silly I guess but I feel bad for the non union actors (who probably got paid a couple hundred bucks for a national commercial) dancing (to nothing) and have to be seen by millions of people doing the "jump around/ taking a shit shake", "football stiff arm" and "pushing hands in the air" moves so prevalent in the White Dancing Community.
I can't embed it but here's the link...
So Pat Quinn won. I actually went to vote on Tuesday and was told that I wasn't registered. Yet, my wife was. I distinctly remember both of us registering when we switched our drivers license address.
So, after a ten minute call to the County Registrar I was told I was SOL. Not a HUGE deal for me as I didn't fell particularly strong about anyone running except I wanted Quinn gone. And he won.
Never underestimate the stupidity of the Democratic party to nominate the worst possible candidate to run.
I'm sensing a BIG Republican year in Illinois in November. And, again, the Democrats have nobody to blame but themselves...

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Keeeeeep Breathing

Did the Bears do something yesterday?

I can't seem to find anything on it.

15 days to the four greatest words in the English language:

"Pitchers and Catchers Report"

New SNC up, BTW.

I had some feelings, something that tends to happen when someone
juxtaposes rape with eating meat.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm Back and I Apparently Own A Junk Dealing Creature From Tatooine

Some Internet issues at the BRE Headquarters Southwest this past week. But back at it today. I'm sure Comcast will be happy to credit us the money for the time we went without. (Cough)


This always happens. The minute I start to get interested in the Hawkeye basketball team, they turn into the turds they actually are. In this instance on Wednesday night it happened at the EXACT moment.
Hey, competitive at Michigan State, a win at Indiana (I know they suck but hey..) and a chance to knock off a ranked team in front of a big crowd, thanks to the football team showing up.
The wife wanted to watch the State of the Union for some reason, so I taped the last 6 minutes of the game against Ohio State. Up 50-45. Within three minutes they were down by 6. If you watch the tape you can pinpoint the moment where I started to show interest....
And then that game against Michigan on Saturday.....Whoah. Nice offense. Chuck up another wild 3 point attempt!!!
24 points with 14 minutes left in the game.
It's literally too taxing to spend an hour watching it.

Yes, the time between now and Spring Training is interminable.
Rip Torn was arrested for robbing a bank? That is not only incredibly sad and weird it's also freaking hysterical!
Have another one, Rip. Jesus.
The Grammies were last night. I watched about 5 minutes. That's 4 minutes more than I've devoted to it in the last 10 years.
I happened to catch "Song of the Year" or whatever and I had heard exactly ONE song nominated. One.
And I'm ok with that. Bitter old crab will be a very smooth transition for me.
I have officially applied for 3 jobs outside of Chicago. It's got to that point, folks. We should start a pool as to where I will be living this time next year. No, not Alabama.
My new dog sounds just like a Jawa when he barks. He did it last night and I turned to the wife and go "Do you think he'll melt us down?".....Silence.
He really does sound like one, though..
"Ooo tee-dee!"
Highly recommend "500 Days of Summer". I normally find Zoey Deschanel kind of annoying but I like her in this. And that's the kid from "3rd Rock From the Sun"?
It has a few mild moments of borderline "too much quirkiness" but it reigns itself in.
And it's directed by a "music video" guy. Normally, big time red flag.
But I enjoyed it.