" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Monday, August 31, 2009

Down To the Wire....

The Elite 8 gets it's first entries.

8) Shirtless Men vs. 13) Dog Park Snobs: I have my run ins with both of these on a fairly consistent basis. But shirtless men are more in my face on a daily basis. And the idea of it is just so wrong anyway. The brain of the guy who walks around shirtless goes something like this, "Girls dig the shirtless guy. Look at my hot body." Well, this may work if you are 19 and hang out with whores. If there's one thing smart, respectable women like it's guys that show off! And don't get me started on the guys with the guts and hairy backs.

Dog park snobs are awful but most dog owners have their number and it just becomes a bit of an eye roll inside joke amongst us. They definitely deserve our scorn but shirtless men deserve public ridicule.
Shirtless men reach the Elite 8 with a strong 66-44 win with defensive domination.

3) Lottery Ticket Purchasers vs. 7) Most Interesting Man In The World Ads: Recently the Mega Millions jackpot reached 313 million dollars and Mrs. Famber and I decided "What the hell?" and bought ONE ticket. Hey, who knows right? So I drive down to the BP about an hour before the drawing and there is approximately 15 people buying hundreds of dollars of tickets. All fat. All ugly. All stupid. It's like a Kodak moment for Mouth Breathers. I did stay and get my ticket. I also lost approximately 700 dollars less than the buffoons in line.
MIMIWA ads have had a nice run but they will, eventually, go away. We hope. They are really no match for LTP as they aren't going anywhere. As long as there is sweat pants and Snoopy shirts, there will be a long line at the lottery machine.
LTP shoot 56% from the floor en route to a 78-67 win.

A Moment of Silence...

For the 2009 White Sox season, please.

Good God, what a gigantic Shit Fest. No clutch hitting whatsoever. Bad, bad production from the bottom part of the rotation. And the defense....Oh, Lord, the defense.

Players I will personally drive to airport: Dye, Dotel, Linebrink and Contreras. And please trade Jenks. 6 million for a closer that is clearly declining? No.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

We'll Have A Winner By Week's End!

Your Shitty 16 match-ups are brought to you by Camanche Indians football:

They haven't won a game since week one of 2006 but it sounds like this might be the year.

We here at the BRE are indelibly linked to that program and wish them nothing but the best. That said, Camanche football practice is something that can never be scrubbed from our minds.

Oh, the smells! "Sprints!"

Now to the BRETOA4. The new bracket:

And the match-ups:

Tea Baggers Region

8) Shirtless Men vs. 13) Dog Park Snobs

3) Lottery Ticket Purchasers vs. 7) Most Interesting Man In The World Ads

Hawkeye Basketball Region

1) Jay Cutler Chicago Fan Butt Love vs. 5) House Hunters/International Participants

2) Laurence Holmes vs. 3) The Last, Weird Season of Roseanne

Hank Blalock Region

1) People Who LOVE Cannolis vs. 4) Texting Drivers

2) Zach Zaidman vs. 3) People (Just...People)

Carlos Gomez Region

1) People Who Talk About Their iPhone vs. 12) What The NFL Has Become

2) Health Care Reform Protesters vs. 14) Hawk's Growing Weirdness

In other news, Michigan football might end up a bit hapless for longer than anticipated after this piece.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Glenn Beck Is..Oh, It's Not Even Worth Saying It

I really think he's either a) fucking nuts b) playing a character who knows how to get mouth breathers to watch incoherent ramblings of a lunatic or c) fucking nuts.

Let's Play Count the Douche Bags Part 2

Standing "O" for that "hero because he can run fast" Mike Vick last night in Philadelphia....The complete slab of lard sportin the not at all idiotic Camo shorts on the left pretty much exemplifies the current NFL Meathead fan. I can actually see the stupid. And the Backwards Hat Brigade is represented as well.

BTW, this is a PRESEASON game.

Yeah, I'm thinking I may just skip the NFL this year...........

Getting To Mate's Sweet 16

First things first. Yes, the Sox are only 4 games back and yes, technically, they could still get "hot" and win the division (essentially by default) and yes, once you get in the playoffs anything can happen but...come on. But I'll stand by my prediction I guess, though I'm not nearly as strong on it as I was: If the Sox are 3 games or less back by September 1st and they get Peavey back then they will win the division. I'm going down with the ship.
Is there anything more energy draining or mentally exhausting then a family squabble? Can we just get these people a gigantic playroom and cuckoo clock and be done with it? Let your emotions get a bit more out of control and have them blindly dictate your actions. That always works well. I need a drink and a shower.
I have a new entry for March and I can't BELIEVE they haven't made an appearance yet: People Who Talk On Cell Phones While Ordering. I'm the first signer of a petition to have these people shot.

OK, onto the last matchups for the Round of 32. Should have a winner by the end of next week.
My money is on Health Care Reform Protesters but it's anybody's game.

3) The Last, Weird-Ass Season Of "Roseanne" vs. 11) Prank Phone Calls: Tough one here. Roseanne hasn't been on the air for a long time and it's relevancy is definitely gone in the modern landscape. I guess it just bothers me when a great show overstays it's welcome. (I could list a litany here but I'm looking squarely at you, Matt Groening) But none of those delved into a rotten abyss of weirdness and lazy writing the way "Roseanne" did. John Goodman's embarrassment was oozing and palpable through the tv.

Prank phone calls are childish and stupid and not funny. But douchebags love them. It's a staple fo the Backwards Hat Brigade. Like Natural Lite and repressed homosexuality. But they are ultimately avoidable and not nearly as destructive to anything once beloved. I never liked them.

So, "Roseanne" wins a surprisingly easy one and becomes a surprise entry in the Sweet 16, 90-67.

2) Laurence Holmes vs. 7) Shopping For A Car: I'm really rooting for a Zach Zaidman/Laurence Holmes showdown in the final but I don't know if he'll be able to overcome such a tough bracket. But he is just...awful. In so many ways. From the amateurish radio voice (a Score staple) to the forehead slappingly stupid observations to the Man crush he has on Zaidman, he is a treasure for the Awful.

Shopping for a car is something that doesn't really happen all that much and you do actually have something to show for it when you;re done, so, this one really isn't close.

Laurence gets out to a 18-4 start and never looks back and breezes to a 98-62 win.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Finally Getting To It...

What a dramatic airport! Jesus. Between work and a family squabble (Oh, it's pure drama. Makes Christo and Mate's families seem relatively tame. No small feat.) the T of A was put into a bit of a stalemate.
And I'm officially looking forward to football in 4...3..2..1. My God that's bad baseball on the South Side. Wow.

3) Lottery Ticket Purchasers vs. 6) Michael Vick Apologists: These are and can be the same people. I'm not talking about the guy (like me) who buys a ticket every once in a blue moon so he can daydream for 5 minutes on what kind of kick ass house he'll buy in Italy. Really I do that. I'm talking about the folks who buy like, 50 dollars worth and hold up the line. To quote Homer Simpson: "Correction, Marge, 80 million to FIFTY!".

I am almost always buying gum or a Snickers and am in a hurry when they gestate.

Michael Vick Apologists are just sad little people who really don't see the world very well. They tend to live life vicariously through their incredibly flawed sports heroes and completely ignore the fact that they are despicable human beings. I don't mind if you think Vick deserves a second chance but don't give me the bullshit that he was somehow punished too severely. If you say that to me you'll know what severely punished is.

But LTP take it on a last second layup and after a replay to verify win 67-66. A nail biter.

7) Most Interesting Man In The World Ads vs. 15) Extreme Adventurers:

I recently heard a new MIMIW ad and have come to the conclusion that they just get a bunch of frat boys in a room and throw it on a wall to see what sticks. "He is always on the right side of the tracks but if he was on the wrong side he would still be on the right side." (Rub eyes) What? Talk about labored. Jesus.
Extreme adventurers are only bad if you have to talk to them and then they are excruciating. But how often does that happen really? I know. I know. The X Games are on tv but they kind of have lost a bit of luster. Are haven't they? Who the hell knows or cares?
MIMIW ads actually breeze. 83-66 in a terrific 3/4 court press.

Finishing Out The Second Round For Christo

The weirdest aspect of the whole Milton Bradley fiasco this week is his constant insistence that he likes what he sees in the mirror. It's odd. It's just odd. This is a 31 year-old man that sounds like a guy trying to bullshit himself.

Without sounding like a Score caller, we here at the BRE screamed that the Cubs were going to regret this signing almost instantly. See, unlike most Chicago sports fans, we actually make an effort to know what else is going on around baseball outside of Chicago.

And the media was just as ignorant, spineless and relatively silent as well. All the evidence was there. Bradley has pulled this shit everywhere he went.

Just release him. The Players' Union will make a half-hearted attempt to block it in order to save face and it will blow over. Nice off-season, Jim.

Let's get started.

Hank Blalock Region

3) People (Just...People) vs. 6) Magicians

Let's be honest. People (Just...People) win every tournament ever played when finding something that personifies the intrinsic awfulness of being awful. It's meta. Go down the tournament list and People (Just...People) is the original archetype, almost Greek mythos in origin. Without People (Just...People), the BRE's statement of purpose doesn't exist. Sure, we complain a lot but it's our barstool because bars contain People (Just...People).

Magicians gains points because it's more specific, getting to the heart of a particular annoyance. Parodies of Magicians never stray far from what you actually see. But the strange part is, every so often, I see something a magician does and go, "Hey, that was kinda neat."

People (Just...People) will cause a problem in this tournament with its ubiquity and universal application. But it wins another one.

Winner: People (Just...People) as it confuses Magicians with 28 different offenses, 88-55.

2) Zach Zaidman vs. 7) White Sox Fielding

Whew! Tough one. The White Sox this year have gotten enough pitching and offense to probably be 10 games over .500. They're 14th in OPS and 7th in ERA, both numbers are better than Detroit's. The difference is that Detroit catches the ball. Sure, dig into other areas and other differences are just as stark but the Sox are averaging nearly 1/2 an unearned run a game.

Every game it's a different shortcoming with the Sox (Linebrink and Dotel are the bad du jour right now) but the consistently bad fielding is the one aspect that puts them over the edge when discussing teams that won't make the playoffs. It's the infected wart on the lip that leaves them without a date to the prom.

But can that beat Zach Zaidman? Can that beat the affected tone and manufactured seriousness of one Zach Zaidman? It would if Zaidman only did football because his awfulness would be kept in a tight little box (heh, heh). But Zaidman, because of an opening in scheduling during the baseball season and the need to find something for him to do, occasionally does four-hour shows at night with little football news to talk about. Much like the fourth hour of the Today Show with Kathie Lee, listening to the fourth hour of a Zaidman baseball-focused show makes me want to beat my head with an ice pick. It's positively Murph-esque.

White Sox Fielding is bad, but hardly the only problem this team has, just the most obvious one.

Winner: Zach Zaidman as the starting five of White Sox Fielding fouls out in the second half, 75-73.

Carlos Gomez Region

11) People Who Masturbate Over Baseball Prospects vs. 14) Hawk's Growing Weirdness

I'm going to be wrong with this prediction but it seemed that this year, with the bevy of prospects traded, sportswriters let up a bit on spraying messy ejaculate all over the place (Well, Brett Wallace is still being humped). Phil even liked the Peavy deal. There's still a dent in the floor where my jaw hit after reading that. Some of it has to do with the increasing prevalence of sabermetrics that don't allow idiots to ramble on about the potential of prospects and not get called on it.

But Hawk is a colossus in this matchup and is the Cinderella of this tournament. While it certainly started a couple years ago, with the White Sox having such a confounding season rife with fundamental shortcomings this year, it's been the perfect platform for Hawk to become such a raging weirdo.

Though he had it in the past, a new mystical religion has been formed this year with all the corresponding tenets and commandments fully congealed. There are two worlds: The White Sox world and everything else. White Sox world must fight against insidious forces constantly working against it and are represented by a few select umpiring crews that get together in a cave before the season begins and construct ways to screw the Sox every year. These satanic minions also conger up the supernatural forces of The Bad Bounce, The Lucky Hit and The Bad Matchup to conspire against the Sox, leaving them powerless in terms of fair baseball competition.

It's a fully-formed meme now. It's old, it's weird and it's unlistenable. So bad that you can follow his logic and know exactly what's going to come out of his mouth next. Even Mrs. Ney, someone who very effectively blocks out any sports noise in this household (even Rex Hudler), cringes at the very sound of Hawk.

Winner: Hawk's Growing Weirdness with a high-powered, high-flying attack, 101-78.

2) Health Care Reform Protesters vs. 10) Lamb Gas

No contest. Speaking of satanic forces, my Lamb Gas is not of this world, something that could not have originated from this temporal plane. It's otherworldly.

But Health Care Reform Protesters is demoralizing to read about. It makes me feel like, even more than so many other things in our culture that is anathema to human progress, that we haven't really grown as a society. We're just as stupid, racist, inane and entirely willing to be swayed by our own idiotic fears as we were 100 years ago.

Biggest beatdown of the tournament so far.

Winner: Health Care Reform Protesters with an offensive explosion, 121-58.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dis Team Iz A Team of Destineee...

I have some issues with Dead Spin but when they nail it, they nail it.

Goddamn this is right on the nose.

Ed. Note- I punched in "Bears fan" in Google images and this came up...second. That's all I have to say.

Hurricane Douchebag Ruins Another Round

Games called due to poor field conditions (i.e work piling up)...2nd round continues tomorrow. Fucking work.

One update though: After much deliberation and an actual viewing of the show last night there's no stopping House Hunters Participants. A couple turned down a house last night because they didn't like the shape of the bathtub! Awfulness like that is tough to beat. Even if you are the Romeoville drivers who can still cling onto hope with Shirtless Men.

HHIP by a 61-56 score. 10-17 from 3 point range.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

2nd Round For Mate

Tea Baggers Region

1) Wearing A Tie vs. 8) Shirtless Men: A quick turnaround for shirtless men as they played yesterday. Will it effect them? Hell, no. Their awfulness is almost stronger as the injured are getting better. Wearing a tie, while annoying, is avoidable on most days. It's only really noticeable when you're forced into having to do it. It's hot and uncomfortable but rare. At least for me. I hate it but it pales in comparison to the true shitty shit of looking at some douchebag's nipples. Go take a drive around Bolingbrook or Romeoville or New Lenox and tell me that shirts aren't the greatest things invented.
Shirtless men win in a bit of a walk, 87-71.

5) Chicago's Southwest Suburbs vs. 13) Dog Park Snobs: I had a run in this past Saturday with a dog park snob so the SW burbs are screwed and already represented by shirtless men and Romeoville drivers. They really are too tired to play. Wanna know how I know they're tired? Pulling on their shorts. (Billy Packer joke) A lady decided to beat the crap out of a Puggle (yes a Puggle--those viscous bastards!) at the dog park we frequent with some sort of pink ball thrower thing. She was convinced the Puggle was attacking her obviously wussbag dog. Guess what? It wasn't. Her cries of "No!" "No!" as she whacked this poor dog, who was basically playing too hard, were heard throughout the football field sized park. Ridiculous. And why dog park snobs are getting hot at the right time. And she looked like Jan Cross. Fit the bill more.
Dog Park Snobs in a romp, 100-56.
Hawkeye Basketball Region

1) Jay Cutler Chicago Fan Butt Love vs. 9) IKEA On A Saturday: It's getting good. JCCFBL is reaching a peak and guess where it goes from there? DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWN. The dejection after a bad pre season game to the overdone joyousness of his "good" game against the 2nd string Giants defense. Oh, what fun this will be. It's like watching one of those hotel implosions in Vegas.
IKEA is too tired from playing yesterday but they never really had a chance against the Cutler juggernaut. It's boring and uncomfortable but entirely avoidable. JCCFBL is not. Boy is it not.

JCCFBL wins without breaking a sweat. 90-53.

4) Romeoville Drivers vs. 5) House Hunters/International Participants I'm actually going to have to do later. Toughest call to date. I actually have to think about it. Result later.

Christo's Week Two Action Begins

Jered Weaver couldn't help out the Sox last night. See, if he's walking around the mound during the game like he has to drop a tiny deuce, he'll throw a three-hit shutout. If he's walking around the mound during the game like he has to drop a small child, he's going to get destroyed.

Last night = small child...from the get-go.

I'm going to do a review shortly but we went to graham elliot last week. Go. Just go. It's great.

Let's get started.

Hank Blalock Region

1) People Who LOVE Cannolis vs. 9) Toronto's LCBO

Like I previously stated, we give away cannolis FREE at my restaurant. Along with a half-glass of Prosecco (BRETOA March entry - don't get it), these are things we offer as a gift; something extra that you don't pay for.

There are times when we run out of cannolis, usually after we close, the result of a particularly busy night or because a few customers decided to swipe a handful on their way out the door and the plate was left unattended. Yes, people routinely steal them. And that leads to people getting all huffy because our FREE offerings are exhausted. And usually something snide follows.

Cannolis are fine but like so many things in life, it mostly becomes a vehicle for people to spout off all loud and shit about the cannolis they had in Italy. In other words, it's merely a chance for them to tell the people they're with that they could afford a plane ticket at some point in their life. Doling out cannolis everyday and listening to the orgasms induced by them has made me hate cannolis for all eternity.

Toronto's LCBO doesn't have a chance because I don't live in Canada (though the brilliance down in Springfield is working hard to fuck up wine distribution quite nicely of late).

But I can only think choosing what wine you want to drink in Canada would be like choosing a soda to drink. You basically have the same amount of choices. Like 40 reasonably good ones. So it would come down to flavor instead of vineyard. You wouldn't be choosing between different old-style Riojas. You would be choosing between Spanish wines. Just Spanish wines. No distinction. Like "Do I feel like Coke or Pepsi today?" That probably sounds pretentious but wine's a great thing. Canada made it impossible to revel in the distinctions.

But this isn't close.

Winner: People Who LOVE Cannolis with a stifling defense, 78-49.

4) Texting Drivers vs. 5) Live Strong Bracelets Five Years Later

This is a Final Four matchup, not second round. The selection committee completely hosed both participants.

Hmm...one thing the explosion of personal technological devices has shown over the last decade is how far we can delve into the stupidity of man. To text effectively, two hands and two eyes are needed. At last count, that leaves no hands to drive and no eyes to pay attention to the road. Brilliant.

You just know most people who do it see it as a test of their multi-tasking abilities along with a challenge to their perceived superior dexterity instead of waiting to answer a text or pulling over. I took a trip out to the suburbs yesterday and saw three of these d-bags on the expressway. One delayed paying the toll guy until his message was complete!

Live Strong Bracelets Five Years Later has seen a decline in my world. People used to sell these abominations outside of Starbucks, some getting as uppity as the environmental people that ask as you walk by "Do you have two minutes to save the environment?" No...no I don't.

I don't even see them at 7-11 anymore.

Texting Drivers prove to be even more infuriatingly stupid than Live Strong Bracelet wearers. At least there is some miniscule level of good intention even if the ostensible reason people wear them is to broadcast their $1 "gift" to curing cancer. Texting Drivers wander into dangerous, both literally and figuratively.

Winner: Texting Drivers with a 10-2 in the last two minutes, 82-79.

Carlos Gomez Region

1) People Who Talk About Their iPhone vs. 9) Meatball Hockey Fans

Let's get Meatball Hockey Fans out of the way. As a fanbase, you can't lament the lack of popularity of the sport while simultaneously bitching about the influx of "ignorant" fans. Doesn't work that way.

Listening to Meatball Hockey Fans talk about their sport is like listening to certain Bears fans say that beating the Packers both times on the year is preferable to making the playoffs. It routinely reaches THAT level of stupidity in my world. But I know there are plenty of smart hockey fans out there. It's just too bad that the sport hasn't found a way for that contingent to reach people mildly interested in getting to understand the current state of hockey. It's all stupid with a side of stupid being projected to the masses.

Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals this year drew 2 million more viewers than a repeat of the Ghost Whisperer...and it was seen as a victory for hockey. Yep. Big Four.

People Who Talk About Their iPhone are under the assumption that other people are interested. They're not. I don't want updates on the TV shows you can watch. I don't want to hear you say "I don't have cable, I have an iPhone" whenever I mention something about television. I don't want to hear updates about when yours is arriving and the corresponding excitement. Same goes for you Kindle people. Nobody cares. And I question why you bring it up.

But worse yet, I don't want to hear about the problems you had with your iPhone and the corresponding emotional struggle you have with some prevailing culture "coolness", especially when you've gone through five of them. Get the hint, get a spine and stop projecting on some dippy cultural dynamic perpetuated by morons.

Winner: People Who Talk About Their iPhone in a romp, 90-60.

4) Patio Diners vs. 12) What The NFL Has Become

What The NFL Has Become also got robbed in the seeding process. I used to anticipate the arrival of football season, both pro and college. Now, I couldn't tell you one starting QB in the SEC and, after preparing for my first fantasy football draft in four years, my response after getting to know the rankings through 200 was "Who the fuck are these people?"

And that's because, for me, the NFL itself has made it hard to love the league anymore. It's just so loud. And it found a way to streamline every tendency toward asshattedness in the fanbase into one very loud broadcast.

That's too bad because the NFL is currently playing some of the most technically sound and complicated football ever.

Patio Diners have a caveat. While so many of them are impossible to like, since my move to Chicago, I've noticed a huge drop-off in tables that are interesting to talk to. Everyone is just so blah and leery of getting into a conversation that isn't structured. You know, good social interaction. It's kinda rare in my world now. What little exposure I get to such a thing comes from people who sit on the patio and want to take their time. Something about the outside air lets some people take down their city guard and allow things to come to them instead of constantly trying to control their environment.

I'm flummoxed by my NFL paradox, though. I want to like it but so many forces are working against me.

Winner: What The NFL Has Become in a knockdown, drag-out fight, 70-69.

Thank You, Jose...

For your fantastic performance in 2005. You will always have a place in the hearts and minds of Sox fans everywhere.

Now get the fuck out and don't let the door hit you in the ass.

Jesus H. It's like watching a fucking Little League team!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Rounding Out the First Round

Some delays in the Mate Bracket. Hurricane Douchebag spread havoc on the tourney sites and some scrambling ensued. The 8 vs. 9 games are being played at Miller Park in front of what looks like about 45 people.

Here we go:

8) Shirtless Men vs. 9) Watermelon: This is one of the most mismatchy of all 8/9 games. It's not even close. For some reason there are men out there who think it's a good idea to walk around sans shirt. And they're not all fat. Some of them have perfectly fit bodies. So, they either think they are hawt or they are hot. One thing for sure is, odds are they're rednecks and odds are they're idiots. Tattoos figure prominently on the torso as well. They usually have a Mountain Dew in one hand and a Pall Mall in the other. Shouting is done alot too. At people 4 feet away. And they live in Romeoville.
Watermelon is just sort of meh. But some people go crazy over it. Like it's ambrosia. And all I can tell is what tastes like slightly flavored ice with seeds. Is it "awful"? No. Is it orgasmic? Not by a long shot. Why do people get so worked up over this bland fruit? Because it's summer and we're supposed to. Just like wanting it to be 98 degrees in July even though it's misery.
But Shirtless Men take this one. Close at half but their superior size lets them pull away for a 73-56 win.

8) Wisconsin Dells vs. 9) IKEA on a Saturday: I recently got stuck in the Dells looking for a Culver's. Yep. It took me a half hour to get out of the "Strip". It's a long street filled with pasty Midwesterners looking for cheap ribbon candy and tickets to lame boat shows. It's sort of everything that sucks about Wisconsin in one scary little town.
IKEA on a Saturday is one of the most gut wrenching, want to shoot yourself in the mouth experiences one can have if you have a penis and like girls. It's excruciating. It has a Mate Misery Index trifecta of shopping, gads of people and kids and overpriced crap. Get me out!!! And on a Saturday it's 10 times worse. During the week? Mildly annoying. Saturday? Amok with a machine gun.
Gonna have to go with IKEA on this one. It was close as the Dells made a late run to put it in OT but a 5 for 5 free throw performance in the OT puts it away for IKEA, 56-52.

OK, so the first round finally is done.
Second round starts tomorrow.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Week Two Begins In The BRETOA4

Mate has two more matchups to finish up from the first round but what excitement!

The latest reports from the 38 brawls that took place in 32 games in round one say that only 21 deaths have been reported (ScrewJob McFuckington died late last night from internal bleeding).

That's an improvement over the last three TOAs where an average of 58 deaths occurred (the first edition's 198 fatalities skew the numbers a bit). Told you hiring the Hell's Angels for security was a good idea.

Here's the new bracket:

Click To Enlarge

And here are the Week Two matchups for the BRETOA4:

Tea Baggers Region

1) Wearing A Tie vs. Winner of 8) Shirtless Men/9) Watermelon
5) Chicago's Southwest Suburbs vs. 13) Dog Park Snobs
3) Lottery Ticket Purchasers vs. 6) Michael Vick Apologists
7) Most Interesting Man In The World Ads vs. 15) Extreme Adventurers

Hawkeye Basketball Region

1) Jay Cutler Chicago Fan Butt Love vs. Winner of 8) Wisconsin Dells/9) IKEA On A Saturday
4) Romeoville Drivers vs. 5) House Hunters/International Participants
3) The Last, Weird-Ass Season Of "Roseanne" vs. 11) Prank Phone Calls
2) Laurence Holmes vs. 7) Shopping For A Car

Hank Blalock Region

1) People Who LOVE Cannolis vs. 9) Toronto's LCBO
4) Texting Drivers vs. 5) Live Strong Bracelets Five Years Later
3) People (Just...People) vs. 6) Magicians
2) Zach Zaidman vs. 7) White Sox Fielding

Carlos Gomez Region

1) People Who Talk About Their iPhone vs. 9) Meatball Hockey Fans
4) Patio Diners vs. 12) What The NFL Has Become
11) People Who Masturbate Over Baseball Prospects vs. 14) Hawk's Growing Weirdness
2) Health Care Reform Protesters vs. 10) Lamb Gas

No schedule for posting. By Friday, we hope to be on our way to the Shitty 16. If not, tough shit. Christo has some errands to do Monday so his post coming to fruition will directly depend on traffic in the suburbs. Ugh.


Fucking job actually made me do work all day Friday. What is going on in this world! And if it wasn't for David Aardsma blowing a save in Detroit and the Sox leaving 6000 runners on base Friday night, my prediction may have come true! Oh,well.

3) Lottery Ticket Purchasers vs. 14) It Is What It Is:
I get behind these assholes every time I go to a store and am in a modicum of a hurry. All I want is a newspaper or a coke or gum and these bags of skin decide that they can best their odds by buying not 1 but 40 sequences of numbers for the big game. It's actually quite sad in a way but whenever I'm behind one the old gun slinger I was in a past life comes to the front and I want to shoot my way out the BP.
It is What It Is is a term used by empty suits in the business world to proclaim that they have no idea how or why the clusterfuck got to that point to begin with. Spineless, limp corporate speak that takes a seat in the bus next to proactive and skill set. Someone says it to me I automatically want to punch them in the throat.
But LTP are so rampant and enraging that they win this one handily with some sparkling ball handling and passing, 71-55.

3) The last weird ass season of "Roseanne" vs. 14) Wine coolers: Roseanne, in my opinion, was one of the best shows in the 90s. As Christo will attest, it pretty much nailed the small Midwestern blue collar life in that time. I winced and laughed at the same time. Great, great television. But then it not only jumped the shark it fell into the ocean and got devoured. The last season consisted of weird aliens and a prince and super powers. I don't recall it all as I had to turn away and watch a great show turn into a laughingstock. Of course, it all culminated in a "it was all a drea" finale that automatically gets it a wretch.
Wine coolers can't make up their mind. Are they fruit juice or alcohol. Pick a lane. I like neither fruit juice nor grain alcohol all that much so WCs aren't really at the top of my list when I go to Binny's. But they are awful. If you want a Mojito, just get a mojito. Why a bottle?
But this one was over before the half. Roseanne wins 101-67 on some brilliant FG%.

I can't upload pics today for some reason. So, no pics. Yep, Macs are wonderful.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Too Much Shit

Mate's first round is going to have to be finished on Sunday. I am actually busy. WTF?!!

A Delay

Got a bit sidetracked yesterday. Will have my Final 32 by end of day.

2) Laurence Holmes vs. 15) People who put cigarettes out on the bottom of their shoe: I'm not even going to tell you why he's awful. All you need to know about Laurence is that A) He's a dink and B) He thought the Sox getting Jake Peavy might not be a good idea because he didn't want to get rid of Aaron Poreda! That alone makes him just godawful and a sure bet for the Sweet 16.
More on Laurence to come.
The people who put their cig out on the bottom of their shoe are in essence, hillbillies. And they've been represented countless times in the T of As. It's mind bogglingly lazy yet somehow considerate at the same time. It's a testament to the true laziness of people who can't seem to make it to the ash tray.
But this one was over 2 minutes in as Holmes wins 89-60.

4) Romeoville drivers vs. 13) Green Kool Aid: They are represented heavily in this tourney. Shirtless and jort wearing. 75 MPH down a residential road, rolling stops, blasting radios, it's all there in a subgroup of the SW Burbs that live and breathe right in my own goddamn neighborhood. Or as I like to call it "Gooberville".
Green kool aid is a vile concoction that retards something that is actually quite nice: Kool Aid. I still enjoy Red or Orange Kool Aid but green? Tastes like defeat. Someone when you were a kid always made it and the disappointment when you saw it next to the Dixie cups was palpable. You know why it's so ingrained in me? Because this is what they served at Bible School when I was a kid! A number one seed in the March T of A. An awful entity if there ever was one!
But Romeoville drivers take this one fairly easily as I haven't had green kool aid in 20 years. They go 7 for 11 from 3 in the 2nd half and pull away for a 84-66 win.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day Four Action In Christo's Bracket

This was the lineup a couple of days ago.

All .300 hitters.

They've won 44 of their last 60 and have a real chance to finish with the highest team average since the 1950 Red Sox.

It's been fun.

Let's get started.

Hank Blalock Region

2) Zach Zaidman vs. 15) TheFrisky.com

With Zach Zaidman, there's a bit of Marc Silverman in him.

Scratch just below the exterior and it's a vacuous, genuineless, opinionless void.

He's worked long and hard in this world to create the perception that he has real thoughts and build such a fa├žade.

Listen to Bears All Access sometime. It's Comedy Gold!

He vacillates between joking around like he's 'one of the guys' and being Mr. Serious Impartial Newsman, which is expected, but all of it feels absolutely calculated at every freakin' step. And like Laurence Holmes, he thinks if he laughs long enough and hard enough at something, it BECOMES interesting.

It's directly from the School Of Fake-Ass Sports Radio Personalities.

Not a genuine, off-the-cuff moment to be had.

TheFrisky.com was introduced to me about a month with this pile of steamy crap. Jessica Wakeman tells us that marrying for money is truly the American Dream. I figured it was an extreme example of the website so I did some trollling. It's not. It's par for the course.

With relationship website/forums, there's probably about 40 topics to write about. And that's a gift. After that, which is all covered in the first two and a half weeks after the launch of the site, you get people who are terrible writers in the first place fishing for dubious topics solely to build web traffic and exploit lonely souls who can't get past the third date. It's ugly and sad.

But Zaidman is currently humping the leg of his Jay Cutler Fathead wall sticker in preparation for the Score's annual four-month Bears masturbation love fest. He's unbeatable.

On that note, DOUG & OB are back!!!! They have the postgame show again after the Webio disaster!!

Winner: Zach Zaidman with an effective box and one on Wakeman, 58-48.

4) Texting Drivers vs. 13) The Phrase "I Don't Give A Fuck!"

We're digging deeper into the personality of the winner of the 3rd edition of the BRETOA - Text Messaging.

Two weeks ago, I was behind a mother in a BMW with two kids in the backseat and Iowa State Alumni sticker in her back window. She kept braking, swerving and speeding up, all at about 18 MPH while constantly looking down at her lap. I thought she was drunk. Finally, she turned left - at about 2 MPH - and I could see what she looked like and what she was doing. Yep. She was texting...with two kids in the backseat in heavy traffic.

I see it all the time and invariably, the driving is so bad that I begin to think an untexting drunk would do a better job. Ban. It! And fine the living shit out of them if they do it!

The Phrase "I Don't Give A Fuck!" has two heads. Sometimes, it comes from a young guy who wants to prove how "hard" he is and always induces an eyeroll. Mostly, though, it's the first sign you're dealing with a meathead with no scruples that is potentially violent because, well, he really doesn't give a fuck.

I live in a pretty safe neighborhood but on those rare occasions I run into a group of guys trying to carve out their own little drug corner, I see it in their eyes. Dead souls truly looking to become hard that want to prove their dipshittedness. The Phrase "IDGAF" comes after every third sentence. It's their calling card.

The pathology of the prevalence of the phrase says much about young city culture. There are no rules. Even street rules. Kinda scary in some ways.

But Texting Drivers will make a run.

Winner: Texting Drivers in a surprisingly close finish, 70-66.

Carlos Gomez Region

2) Health Care Reform Protesters vs. 15) The Impending Return Of Mariotti

The Impending Return Of Mariotti to the Tribune or the strange web arm of the Tribune, ChicagoNow, is approaching Favre-ian stupidity. September 1 is apparently the date.

So the zoo returns.

I have nothing to add to that. Mariotti's own self-loathing and career arc are punishment enough.

Health Care Reform Protesters have been covered ad nauseam. It's such a strange dichotomy to watch. It's people most vulnerable to the increasingly expensive and crumbling health care system - the elderly, rust belt, the South, the working class - that are screaming absolute distortions and lies. I don't get it. Well, I do, but I don't want to. It's what people do. When all else fails, scream facism, scream socialism (pick a lane!), scream Obama wants to kill your grandma. Forget the details. This is about scaring people. And sticking it to the uppity black man. The Republican Party has found a way to go beneath their behavior in the election and is wondering into nihilism. It's mildly working.

No contest.

Winner: Health Care Reform Protesters with an offensive clinic, 91-52.

4) Patio Diners vs. 13) Summer Construction In Chicago

City improvement is important, of course.

But with Summer Construction In Chicago, it's as if Screwjob McFuckington is planning it.

If you're going to fix a road, it might be a good idea if you look at traffic patterns before doing it. Just a thought.

Ripping up three different spots on the same road within a mile of each other really isn't a good plan. That creates what's called logjams and it dominos right down the conga line. Six years in this town and it's getting worse.

Used to be you just avoided rush hour from 3-6:30pm if you wanted to do something. Not anymore. It's been expanded to 1-7:30pm in the summer. Don't go. You're only asking for mind-numbing pain.

Patio Diners has been covered here at the BRE and they will also make a run. I'm not talking about diners that happen to sit on the patio because it's a nice day and the option is there. I'm talking about people that make the decision to leave the house and go out to eat based solely on the fact that they can sit on a patio.

Actually eating a real meal isn't required nor likely to happen. They're an entirely important part of People (Just...People), a subset packing all the variously abhorrent personality traits of humankind into one skinny jeaned, big rimmed glassed, hair-highlighted, unblinking stare, ignorant and looking to be disappointed body.

Easy one.

Winner: Patio Diners as they shot their usual 62% from the field, going away 82-58.

Mate's Bracket Continued

I'm going to make a predicition: Sox will be either tied or in first by end of weekend. Take that with a grain of salt. Just have a feeling.

Anyway, back to the action:

2) Dick Morris vs 15) Extreme Adventurers : Dick Morris is the most arrogant, stuffy nosed, believe his own bullshit, jackass on Fox News. And is that saying something or what. Glenn Beck is on this channel for Christ sake! And he's 67% retarded. Glenn, not Dick. Dick's only 34%. Every time I click through to the sewage that is cable news and find the floating turd on top that is Fox News this fuckbag always seems to be on espousing some sort of faux conservative blather that seems genuinely disingenuous. You get the idea the guy will just say whatever the person writing the checks want him to. The phony outrage is a staple on Fox but Dick takes it to an art form.
Extreme adventurers are guys that go to poetry slams. I'm not talking about guys that jump out of airplanes (that is one Christo and I differ on. Why?) these are people that want to go rock climbing in Somalia or hiking near the Iraqi-Iranian border!! People that can't find enough shit to kill them on the ground or walking around they need to find shit in some State Department sanctioned land where Americans are about as much liked as Mike Vick is in my house. And they usually have names like Brady and Josh and are from Lake Forest or White Plains and went to Columbia.
UPSET ALERT: Extreme Adventurers play the stingiest defense in T of A history and take down a 2!! Dick Morris was too arrogant and took them lightly. EA win 56-39 in a defensive clinic!

4) Fast Door Openers vs. 13) Dog Park Snobs: Ever walk behind someone who is opening a door and you almost lose your nose because he or she decided to throw it open as if Hitler was chasing them with a machete? I work with 5 guys who do it and how I don't have massive forehead injuries is beyond me. Gently, guys...Gently. What's the hurry? These are not to be mistaken for people who don't thank you when you hold the door open for them. They have a spot reserved for March.
Dog Park snobs are the people that bring their designer bullshit Fancy Dog to the dog park and then proceed to walk away from everyone else and get annoyed when your dog or any dog for that matter, dare to play with their precious little Fifi. It's a fucking DOG PARK!! For some reason most of them are ladies that look like they should be handing out lunches at the Elementary school. I used to sort of apologize to them if my dog ran up to them but now I actively encourage it and give her a nice big juicy Carver for every spot of mud she gets on that person's cat, er, I mean..dog. The same dog that will go home and drink mud water and sniff cat poo if you let them.
Gonna have to go with Dog Park Snobs in another upset. I can brace for the FDOs. I know I'm gonna have to deal with DPS again. And again. DPS go on a late 15-5 run to seal it, 65-51.

More later....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Day Ends With 2 More...

5) House Hunters/HH International Participants vs. 12) Paying 2 dollars for a Coke: This one is a mismatch. I can't believe HHIP are a 5 seed. I watched an episode again last night and I needed 16 Altoids and an alcohol bath to get out the stank. Whiny, bitchy, petty and annoying is a MINIMUM criteria for you to be on this show. "Oh, it's nice and everything we need but those cupboards....."
I actually paid 2 dollars for a plastic bottle of diet coke the other day and nearly put it back when the register came up. I know that this makes me officially an old grouch but come on! 2 fucking dollars for a diet coke? Syrup and NutraSweet? Really? It's bad when you see it for 1.59 and you go "That's a deal!"...
But this is a no brainer. HHIP are a dark horse in this one and they cruise to a dominating 101-66 win.

7) Shopping for a car vs. 10) Spoken Word Poetry Slams: Shopping for a car is on the surface energizing. My God, I'm going to have a new car by the end of the day! How exciting! Then the actual buying starts. The little dance we all do with the sales guy, the waiting in the office for some god only knows reason and various other meetings with what seems like every fucking jagoff that works at the dealership. This seriously could get done in 15 minutes in this day of Internet and e-mail. Why am I still in the salesman's office 2 hours later?
SWPS is just so annoying and self aware that it deserved a spot. Have you ever really watched or, gasp, even BEEN to one of these. Picture every boring ass party you went to in college where they sat on the floor and watched "Crazy" old movies and talked about German comic books and move it to a coffee house and add screaming. THAT'S a Poetry slam. A screwdriver to the nuts is preferable.
This is a close one but I will actually have to shop for a car again someday but I will never expose myself to a poetry slam no matter how high or drunk I am. Shopping for a car in a late run pulls away for a 76-64 win.

OK, back at it tomorrow.