" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Friday, July 31, 2009

Holy Crap!


Update: Phil Rogers was in Phil form over the Peavy trade.

So...a new Phil Watch.

A warning. It's long. Very, very long in a long kind of way.

**********************************************************

The White Sox just got Jake Peavy!

Just acquired in a deal for Clayton Richard, Aaron Poreda, Dexter Carter and Adam Russell.

Gut reaction: LOVE the deal! You sold high on Richard and Poreda showed this year that he was going to be more of a project at the big league level than originally thought. He looked like last year may have been a bit of a fluke. The one guy that may turn out to be the biggest name in the deal is Dexter Carter.

But they kept so much here. No minor league offensive players were involved and Danks/Floyd weren't touched.

Peavy's dealing with a foot injury right now and no issues have been reported this year with the shoulder. It's confirmed that Peavy's approved the deal this time.

And he's ahead of schedule in his rehab, making him available for a postseason run.

Kenny may have done it again.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

New Feature: Responding To The Smartest Of The Daily Score Callers


Jim from Glenview or Ron from Norwood or whatever name with some rhyming/sexual innuendo tag attached to it just called into The Score to proclaim that Alexei Ramirez and Scott Podsednik wouldn't be considered good defensive players on a Little League team.

I'm here to tell you that both players would absolutely be the best defensive players on any Little League team. And it wouldn't even be close.

The shorter fields would be made up by the decreased velocity of the balls coming off the bats of undeveloped bodies not yet able to get maximum leverage, let alone the decreased shock coming off of pitches being thrown at 50 mph.

It's two totally different worlds, guys.

Sure, Alexei would have a smaller target to throw to over at first base but little Billy, the nerdy kid who can't play that becomes the de-facto official scorer at the end of the bench isn't a professional! He might miss a few w/r/t who actually with the cause of this or that error but that wouldn't be Alexei's fault.

Field conditions might become a problem but since Little Leaguers typically play on the same ungroomed field for the entire season, Alexei would, over time, come to understand where the large rocks are located and where the mushy soft dirt patch is. He'd be fine.

And every fly ball to the outfield would be like shagging fly balls in a Major League batting practice to Pods! Furthermore, since the fences are, on average, 200 feet in center, Scott's lack of arm still wouldn't even be tested. And while that kind of stuff doesn't show in UZR150 numbers, everyone would know. They'd get it.

Both would be the best fielders on any Little League team. Period.

C'mon, people. Think.

Spit Out My Water


Mr. Armstrong will be making an appearance in the upcoming BRE Tournament of Awful: August Edition, Part Two. Or BRETOAAEPT

From The Onion:

PARIS—Cancer survivor Lance Armstrong's inspirational third-place Tour de France finish has motivated thousands of patients battling cancer to eventually finish third to their life-threatening disease.

"For years now, Lance has worked tirelessly to portray his life and his racing career as a symbol of inspiration for cancer patients everywhere, and now he's succeeded beyond his wildest dreams," said Nathan Frist, director of the Stanford Cancer Center, where the entire oncology ward watched Armstrong's third-place Tour de France finish and proudly raised their hands to display the blue "Do Not Resuscitate" medical bracelets they wore to support Armstrong's effort. "By tomorrow, this place will be almost empty."


I have to go change my shirt now.

Place Asterisk Here

Oh, Christ. Manny and Orteez were wicked juiced.
Could knawck me ovah with a feathah.....

And the Red Sox have kinda/sorta won a World Series in my lifetime. Seriously, the two big guns in your lineup were shooting up.
Not smaht.

What I do like is that this totally knocks down the suddenly arrogant Red Sox fanbase a gigantic peg. You know you're bad when I actually side with the fucking Yankees when you play.

BTW, Can we just release this fucking list already?

Ortiz, Manny Tested Positive in '03


Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz were among the 104 major league players listed as having tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, lawyers with knowledge of the results told The New York Times.
The two were key members of the
Boston Red Sox World Series championship teams in 2004 and 2007.
On Thursday in Boston, when Ortiz was asked about the 2003 drug test, he told The Times: "I'm not talking about that anymore," he said. "I have no comment."
Angels center fielder Torii Hunter, a longtime friend of Ortiz's, said he was shocked by the report.
"This hurts, this really hurts," Hunter told ESPN.com's Amy K. Nelson. "I don't know what to think about this. I guess you just never know what people do in the dark.
"I still love him but at the same time it's tough to hear that. I know it's going to be tough on him and tough on his family once this gets out. It's Big Papi, man, it's the Big Dog of Boston and he helped win two World Series with those guys, with the clutch hits. And now all those things are going to be tainted."
Ramirez' agent, Scott Boras, would not comment Thursday, according to The Times.
Ramirez, now with the
Los Angeles Dodgers, recently came off a 50-game suspension for violating baseball's drug policy by obtaining a prescription for a banned female fertility drug.
In June, The Times reported
Sammy Sosa was on the 2003 list. In February, SI.com reported that Alex Rodriguez was on the list, and subsequently, Rodriguez acknowledged having used banned substances from 2001 to 2003, when he was the Texas Rangers.
Players were tested in 2003 as part of Major League Baseball's survey to determine if it was necessary to impose mandatory random drug testing in 2004. There were no penalties for a positive test in 2003.
As part of the drug agreement between the union and MLB, the results of the testing of 1,198 players also were meant to be anonymous. Penalties began in 2004, and suspensions for a first positive test started in 2005.
Government agents initially obtained search warrants in 2004 for the drug-testing records of 10 players as part of its BALCO investigation that led to Barry Bonds' perjury indictment, but they found the more expansive list on a spreadsheet, obtained additional warrants and seized the larger group of records.
The union went to court, arguing the search was illegal, and three U.S. District judges agreed.
The government appealed, and a panel of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled for the government, but the entire 9th Circuit threw out the reversal and decided to hear the case itself. The hearing was in December, and the decision is pending. The losing side could then appeal to the Supreme Court. "Whoever got that list is just playing with Major League Baseball right now," Hunter told ESPN.com. "Either put [the list] away, or just put it out. It was anonymous and now the names are leaking and it's a joke.
"He's still my boy, no matter what. David is a great person and I love him to death. Nothing going to change between us. I'm just shocked just like everybody else, that's all."
Information from ESPN.com's Amy K. Nelson and The Associated Press was used in this report

Men Are Pigs

God, I'm gonna say it: This poor girl.

I feel the same way about sideline reporting I always have: it's fluff and unnecessary but all this woman did was her job. She's actually pretty good at what she does. But wait, she's blonde and has nice tits. Better ruin her life by slobbering all over her. I suppose part of the problem is that she does college football. There's no more giant mix of beer induced, hormone overload frat boy stupidity on the planet than a big time college football stadium on a Saturday night. Particularly if she's south of Lousiville.

And the fuckos in the print media aren't doing her any favors either. She's been attacked for dressing provocatively at games by bald headed pasty White sportswriters and even uber Feminist/Womens Sport Enthusiast/Title IX puker Christine Brennan has basically said "she was asking for it."
My Lord. Now she's getting stalked outside her GATED COMMUNITY home by what is most likely TMZ or some perverts.

So, once again, America lets women know where they stand.And if they have a tight ass and blonde hair you're nice to ogle but that's about it. And maybe we'll tape you showering.
And TMZ is just icky.


I Just Took A Crap. Can I Write A Song About It?


Currently sitting at #5 on the iTunes charts in the country genre is this:


Billy Currington - People Are Crazy - For more funny movies, click here

And the lyrics:

I don't listen to country music. Heck, I haven't even heard, at any length, a country music song for probably three years. My last six years have become an isolated little box disconnected from the more "earthy" elements in the world.

But it's good to see that I haven't missed much.

Christo will be back on the horse and posting regularly starting tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It Begins...

I'm just gonna sit back and watch this hot air balloon deflate slooooooooooooowly....God, this is gonna be fun.
Bears fan Meathead meltdown on the Score in 5..4..3..2..1




Bobby Wade says Urlacher thinks Cutler's a "pussy"
Posted by Mike Florio on July 29, 2009 12:45 PM ET
Well, now that one offseason NFC North quarterback drama emanating from Minneapolis has ended (we think), the football-following world needs a new one.
Enter Vikings receiver Bobby Wade.
Wade told our pal Paul Allen of KFAN within the hour that, during an offseason trip to Vegas with Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, Urlacher expressed a not-so-flattering opinion of new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
Basically, Wade said that Urlacher said that Cutler is a "pussy."
Urlacher has been the cornerstone of the Bears' defense since 2000; Cutler arrived via trade earlier this year.
We're told that a podcast of the remaks will be up soon at
KFAN's web site.
We hope their hamsters are rested and fed.






This Is Getting Ri-goddamn-diculous

Have you ever seen a team more beaten before they even take the field than when the Sox play at the Metro Dome? It's embarrassing.
I knew even with Buehrle throwing another perfect game through 6 that they were going to lose.
What is the fucking deal? Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy.

And the most annoying thing? The Twins are incredibly mediocre. Quit treating them or talking about them like they're the Big Red Machine or the '27 Yankees or, for God's sake, the 2005 White Sox! Bad rotation, fair to middling bullpen save Joe Nathan and a lineup that is incredibly meh except Mauer and Morneau. Michael Cuddyer? Fine. Whatever.
Get a fucking grip. And Ozzie, quit felating this fucking team and start kicking their ass.
This division is sooooooooooooo there for the taking and you keep tripping over your dicks.

Stop it. Now. It's the fucking Twins.


At least I don't have to sit through the Brian Andersen Circus anymore....


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

New David Wygant

Over at the SNC..


http://sardonicnews.blogspot.com/2009/07/couldnt-resist.html

Wear Padding



I know you're struggling and I'm not one of these guys that thinks you shouldn't celebrate but this is asking for one in your ear.

Jesus H.

It's just a building, guys. It can't hurt you.

That said, I volunteer to be the first to pull the switch on the wrecking ball when they obliterate that fucking pile of feces.
And the Sox are laughably inept at defense. That second inning looked like the Pony League games I used to umpire and pray for a sniper.
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You ever rent a movie solely on the bad reviews? You think "It can't possibly be this bad. Come on." I'm not talking about stuff like "Transformers 2", which is sort of critic proof and even the people making it know it's shit candy. I'm talking about movies like "License to Wed" or "the Ex",which start out with nice cast (well, except Zach Braff-the BRE has made it abundantly clear how we feel about him) and whatnot but just go down in a heap of flames brought on by budget cuts and massive rewriting and retooling?
And the curiosity gets the best of you...and you get it... and it's worse than you even imagined? I did that. And it was.
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The dog barks aggressively at her own reflection in the window. It's 10 minutes of fantastic, top notch entertainment.
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Big 10 Media Day was yesterday. Joe Paterno is turning into the Crypt Keeper before our eyes. And Kirk Ferentz is still bland as potting soil.
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Put together an IKEA bookcase last night in less than 30 minutes. Might wanna call your loved ones because the world is coming to an end.
Normally, me trying to put together "easy to assemble" shit like that is a monstrosity of a cluster fuck wrapped in a shit storm. And I'm perfectly capable at taking a life during it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I HATE HER...I HATE HER...I HATE HER...

I'm gonna say it: She's a CUNT!!! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT!

I apologize to the members of the female persuasion for offending them. I don't use that word very often. But it's my blog and I'll say cunt if I want to. (Great song BTW)
And shame on the people who went and forked over money to see that formulaic abortion she was in this weekend.

Katherine Heigl exposes 'Anatomy'
July 22, 2009
Heigl exposes 'Anatomy'"Grey's Anatomy" star Katherine Heigl, who is in the romantic comedy "The Ugly Truth," is out to expose the "ugly truth" behind the long hours filming the ABC drama. Appearing on "Late Show With David Letterman" on Monday night, Heigl complained about her first day back: "It was -- I'm going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them -- a 17-hour day, which I think is cruel and mean." Network officials declined to comment on Tuesday, but one insider said the production needed to squeeze in several scenes involving Heigl due to her promotional commitments for the film. "They were trying their best to accommodate her, since they only had her for one day," said the source, who asked not to be identified because of the source's proximity to the show.


A favorite blog of mine, By Ken Levine, has a fantastic write up on this. But what does he know? He only wrote and directed for Taxi, M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier and the Simpsons.

(The comments are a prize, too.)


Oh, wait. She was joking!! Uh-huh. Joking: The convenient excuse of the monkey caught in the corner.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

"I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth even though unknowingly I might not have done. "


Hey, I get to go to the cinema again.

What new-fangled stuff do they have there now?

I've tried, with little effect, to get people to watch the BBC series, The Thick Of It.  They haven't for good reason.  Inexplicably, it can't be found on DVD in the United States and BBCAmerica hasn't reran it since it's first airing.  

But YouTube has every episode broken up into 10-minute segments for your perusal and enjoyment. 

Christopher Guest and the guys behind Arrested Development gave a U.S. version a shot two pilot season ago but ABC didn't pick it up (apparently, it was terrible - the show wouldn't work without copious amounts of swearing).  

Fortunately, Iannucci is currently in talks with HBO to revive the effort, something that will definitely make HBO relevant in my world again. 

But I digress.  Iannucci finally got to the long-promised film, opening last Friday in Chicago, playing at the Landmark Century in Lincoln Park.  Loosely based on the original series, the reviews have been great.

The trailer:
  

IN THE LOOP: Movie Trailer - Watch more amazing videos here

I implore everyone to go to YouTube and watch the eight episodes.  

You won't be disappointed.  It's the densest, funniest comedy I've probably ever seen.


Friday, July 24, 2009

Lost In the Jubilee

OK, I wasn't really expecting the Sox to win this one today after the hangover of yesterday's joyousness.
But lost in all the hoopla is that the Sox have started to return to there old LOB trend of earlier this year.
Today the Sox had a chance to put some runs on the board early against suddenly unhittable Justin Verlander (remember when the Sox used to own him?) in the 2nd and 4th innings with runners on 2nd and 3rd with nobody out and one out respectively. Result: One run.
And then the ninth. Down 5-1 (due to some as usual Soxesque monkey humping football defense) they loaded the bases with nobody out and got NOTHING! You almost have to try to do that. Shit, the Tigers will give you two.
Sound familiar?
Bobby Jenks wouldn't have even been needed in the blown save game if the Sox wouldve taken care of business in the 7th in a 1st and 3rd nobody out situation and getting nothing.
And lost in yesterday's game was the only runs (bar one) came on a 2 out grand slam by Fields.
It's a problem and it's starting to curve back the other way.

That said, just split this series and try not to embarrass yourself in the MetroDome again.

Wanna Feel Awkward?


I have a rule in life.  Never feel sorry for G. Gordon Liddy.  

This is as close as I'll get but he deserves every bit of it.

Get.  Older.



Friday Isn't For Thinking

I thought Hawk was going to need an angioplasty yesterday.
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The next fuckwad who says "it is what it is" to me is getting an elbow in the throat
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Watched a show on HGTV last night that may even rival "House Hunters et al." in cringe inducing Stupid American hating. This one.
If you haven't seen it--do! The cluelessness is magnificent train wreck tv. And it almost always pays off in the end with a tail betwixt legs realization of their stupidity.
"I think 400K for a one bedroom third floor walk up an hour from downtown is reasonable in this market. What's that? The house down the street with more rooms and a nicer kitchen is going for 275? So what? Ours is better."(folds arms and holds breath)
That's pretty much it but oh, so good. In a "God I really want to hurt them" way.
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I love the sportswriters/talk guys who are saying Michael Vick has "served his time" and is entitled to a "fresh start" or whatever. Yet the uproar over guys shooting a chemical into their ass is through the roof! Pick a lane, assholes. I'm looking at you, Mully and Handley.
I'm not saying the steroid thing isn't an issue and needling your arm or butt to hit a homer is detestable. But torturing dogs and running a gambling ring out of your house is WORSE even if you served two years.
Wonder how they feel about Pete Rose.
And two more things:
1. Stop the sanctimony on how we need to get "perspective" about people vs. animals. I've made my feelings known here. And quit lumping the people who care about this issue in with PETA. Not all of us who think animal cruelty is a serious matter and the punishment for it isn't severe enough also feel you should eat shrubbery for lunch and we don't care if you swat a fly. It's lazy. Take a different angle.
2. PETA is right about one thing. Vick needs a psychiatric analysis. It's a fact that cruelty to animals is an accurate barometer of psychotic tendencies. And this just in: Michael Vick is psychotic.

And if the Chiefs sign him....I'm DONE. The NFL has me teetering anyway. This would be TIMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! time.
(Chiefs have stated they don't want him. I'm guessing Dallas or Oakland. Like I needed any more reasons to loathe those two.)
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Listened to Mike and Mike for a bit this morning. Cris Carter was guest hosting. His ego is palpitating through the radio. He was absolutely infuriated by a column in Yahoo Sports today. Read it.
Outraged. It went on for ten minutes.
And my Mike and Mike quota was met for another 6 months. I'll get my Jets and Yankees news elsewhere.
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And if you haven't seen Jon Stewart's beatdown of the Obama Birth Certificate Boneheads please watch.
Can't embed for some reason.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Did Something Happen?


Big Congrats to Mark Buehrle.

Castro behind the plate?  Fields at first?  Wise in center?  Who'da thunk it?

And Brian Anderson picked the wrong day to say play me or trade me.


Unreal...

Mark Buehrle just threw a perfect game and the first caller to the Sox postgame mentions the goddamn CUBS! Jesus. Fucking meatheads.
Oh, and the Sox are tied for first too....

T of A August Edition Preview



COTTAGE CHEESE vs. DISPOSABLE RAZORS

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Lou Dobbs Can Go Fuck Himself...


I'm sure the Batshit Wingnuts will say it's a "forgery"....God, they are exhausting....Can we just give them Montana or something and let them be alone with their dementia?!

I Think I Have A Thing... I Need To Go To..That...Night

Paging Christine Brennan and Carol Slezak. If the women win how quickly do you give either of them to sop it up with a biscuit and drool over it?

BO-RING! Except you do get to watch Jenny Finch. Oh, mama.

**And Bobby Riggs was like 67 when he lost to Billy Jean King BTW.....**

Mark your calendar for one of the more interesting sports events of the summer when the Chicago Bandits, a professional women’s softball team, takes on the Schaumburg, Ill., Flyers men's baseball team in a July 27 game billed as a battle of the sexes.

The Bandits, the 2009 National Professional Fastpitch League Champions, are known for their speed and underhand windmill pitching—throwing up to 60 to 75 miles per hour.

The Flyers are part of the Chicago-based Northern League, which is not affiliated with Major League Baseball or its minor leagues. The Flyers have produced major-leaguers such as J.D. Drew of the Boston Red Sox and Brad Ziegler of the Oakland A’s,

The game will be played under NPF foundation rules.

Formed in 2004, the Bandits is composed of former collegiate Divison 1 athletes and Olympic team members. With a 20-player roster, the team competes from June through August at Judson University in Elgin.

The Schaumburg Flyers formed in 1998 and play at Alexian Field in Schaumburg,

Game time is at 7:05 p.m. at Alexian Field, 1999 S. Springinsguth Road, Schaumburg, Ill. Tickets are $6, $11 and $12 and can be purchased at the field of by phone at (847) 891-2255
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And Bobby Jenks has officially morphed into Bobby Thigpen. The "Bobby Closer White Sox" curse was just too much to overcome. (Roberto Hernandez included. Remember him?) Last night was Billy Koch-esque.


And would you shave that rat's nest off your chin please...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

It's Official! He's An Idiot

Driving home last night I indulged my usual sports radio habit and reluctantly tuned in to Boers and Bernstein as I knew fill in ass clown Laurence Holmes had another week to go as fill in for the seemingly omni-vacationing Terry Boers.
Anyway, Larry was in rare form that it actually warranted a call from Mate to Christo! Was he really saying that the Sox would be worse with Roy Halladay than without him? Did he? I needed verification....Yes. He did. That somehow giving up unproven minor leaguers is bad if you get a Cy Young award winner and a guy who has basically dominated the AL for seven years or so. Yep. This guy.

Gets paid for this, folks. Gets paid.

I seriously am considering a self imposed month long sabbatical from sports radio. The timing is actually perfect: Bears Training Camp starts in 2 weeks. Or as I call it "Messiah Week'.....

Monday, July 20, 2009

Umm..Ok

This is completely contradictory to what I've been reading and/or seeing but I guess this is good news.
But as much as I am unimpressed with Brian Andersen I kind of like him on the Big League roster than Wise. He's a good late inning defensive replacement and god knows they'll need him. Apparently he had options left but Wise didn't.

Ok, whatever. Get ready for the Podsednik in Center Adventure to begin!!!

White Sox activate OF Quentin, option Anderson
By Sports Network
The Sports Network
The Chicago White Sox activated outfielder Carlos Quentin from the 15-day disabled list and optioned outfielder Brian Anderson to Triple-A Charlotte on Monday.
The 26-year-old Quentin had been out since being diagnosed with plantar fasciitis in his left foot. He initially began feeling discomfort after running out a first-inning double in Chicago's 17-3 victory against the Angels on May 25.
In 38 games this season entering Monday's action, Quentin is hitting just .229 with eight home runs and 20 runs batted in. He was second in the American League last season with 36 home runs despite missing the final 26 games because of a right wrist injury.
Anderson was hitting .238 with two homers and 13 RBI in 65 games this season.

That Went Well.....

The first interesting thing to happen in the MLS ever....


David Beckham confronts angry fans in ugly return to L.A. Galaxy
BY
Matt Marrone DAILY NEWS SPORTS WRITER
Updated Monday, July 20th 2009, 10:19 AM

David Beckham has long been a well-paid but absentee superstar in Los Angeles - and fans have finally had enough.
Beckham was showered with boos Sunday when he returned to the Galaxy after a five-month stint with Italy's AC Milan, and the scene turned ugly when Beckham confronted one of the peeved punters at halftime.
Seemingly fed up with the jeers from a sellout crowd of 27,000 - and with signs scattered across the Home Depot Center featuring derisive messages like "Go home fraud" and "Hey Becks, Here Before You, Here After You, Here Despite You" - Beckham approached the stands to set things straight during the Galaxy's friendly against Milan, which ended in a 2-2 draw.
"One of the guys was saying things that wasn't very nice. It was stepping over the line," Beckham told the Associated Press. "I said, 'You need to calm down and come shake my hand,' and he jumped over."
Photos of the confrontation show Beckham angrily pointing at the fan as he is restrained by security personel after jumping from the stands, though Beckham later reaches over a fence in an apparent attempt to shake his hand. The fan was arrested by Cal State Dominguez Hills police for trespassing.
Beckham, who signed Major League Soccer's all-time richest contract in 2007 - a five-year, $250 million deal with L.A. - had recently expressed a desire to remain with AC Milan, indicating he preferred the higher level of play in Europe. It might be difficult to argue with that assertion, though Beckham's level of play in the States has been hardly impressive.
Injuries limited him to just five games his first season with the Galaxy, and Beckham missed half of the current MLS season while playing for Milan.
with News Wire Services


Definitely NSFW


Well...it's over.  

The contest for the ad that best exemplifies "Fuck Sexual Innuendo And Get To The Blowjob To Sell Shit" goes to Sprite for this German spot.

Again, NSFW.



So Sprite tastes like cum? Why would I buy it now?


Monday Musings

I know fuck all about golf but I do know one thing: When a 59 year old guy can compete for a championship it is officially not a sport.
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And winning 2 out of 3 against Baltimore and sweeping the Nationals is not some sort of sign that a team has "turned it on". I heard that uttered 3 times on the Score this morning. And I really do think that if Christo and Mate found a decent high school team and 5 fairly competent monkeys we could split a double header with Washington.
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Speaking of the Score, thank God Bernstein is back from vacation today. Jesus. Lawrence Holmes is godawful. And why doesn't he just come out and say he wants to make deep manly butt love to Zach Zaidman. For some reason.
Seriously, it's embarrassing.
And the Bruce Wolf thing was funny but did it warrant 3 days of coverage?
UPDATE: Apparently now Boers is taking a vacation , so another week of Holmes. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeat....
Oh, and if I hear David Schuster complain about the length of games one more time I'm shooting him in the ass with a pellet gun.
You go to ball games for a living. It's easy. Wanna wait tables for yuppie assholes or sit at my desk and deal with Teamster fuckbags all day?
I really want to reach through the radio and strangle him. David, if you don't like watching and reporting about baseball games than I can think of about 5 million people who'll change jobs with you right now.
Assbag.
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Cleaned the gas grill yesterday. What should've taken an hour took 3. I was perfectly capable of taking a human life at several points during the exercise.
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It's 10:51 in the morning and I have already drank 3 diet Cokes. Nice. And that's the most exciting thing that has happened. I need a new job. Bad.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Batting Stance Guy, Everybody




I want to see Ben Oglivie.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

That's a Shame...

Douchebag McGee loses his job. But my question is this-- How the hell does this guy have a job as a firefighter to begin with? Fired twice, multiple driving suspensions, a bankruptcy...Apparently the Columbus Fire Department is easier to get into than Florida State...

See ya at Burger King, Asshole.


Firefighter who killed dogs is fired
Thursday, July 16, 2009 12:02 PM
By
Bruce Cadwallader and Kathy Gray
The Columbus Dispatch

Disgraced Columbus firefighter David Santuomo, who executed his family pets and lied about it to investigators, was fired today by Safety Director Mitchell Brown.
The Dispatch and WBNS-TV (Channel 10) have learned that Santuomo sent a text message to a fellow firefighter threatening a Columbus police officer because he thought the officer had turned him in to the Capital Area Humane Society.
The message said, "You realize that there is a funeral in CPD's future," according to the internal-affairs investigative report.
That information was forwarded to prosecutors and the safety director, sources said.
Last week, Fire Chief Ned Pettus Jr. recommended that Santuomo be fired. Only the safety director can fire firefighters under the city charter.
Brown did so today.
"After careful consideration of the relevant facts ... it is my decision to uphold the recommendation of Fire Chief Ned Pettus Jr. and terminate Firefighter David Santuomo from the position of firefighter for the City of Columbus," Brown said in a statement. "As in all personnel matters, no further comment will be made at this time."
Thousands of people have called for Santuomo's firing through e-mails, letters and phone calls to The Dispatch and the city.
Santuomo, a firefighter since 1996, pleaded guilty in June to two counts of animal cruelty and one count of possessing a criminal tool after a seven-month investigation. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and fined $4,650 in restitution and costs.
Franklin County Municipal Judge Harland H. Hale said today that Santuomo, 43, will be expected to serve his jail sentence all at once. Hale had written in a sentencing memo that the firefighter could serve the time in 10-day increments beginning in September but only if he was still employed.
Santuomo was to meet with a probation officer Friday to begin serving 200 hours of community service. He also was to provide a written apology to the citizens of Columbus.
He shot the dogs in the basement of his home on Essington Drive on the Northwest Side, reportedly because he didn't want to pay boarding costs for them while he and his girlfriend went on a cruise. He admitted tying the dogs to a pipe and shooting them 11 times on Dec. 3.
An assistant county prosecutor said Santuomo dumped the dogs' bodies in a trash bin behind the Smoky Row Road firehouse where he works, then bragged about it.
Santuomo is a divorced father with two sons. His personnel file shows several reprimands for being late for work and two for improper remarks made on fire dispatching radios.
He was rejected by the Fire Division in 1990 because of his poor eyesight, according to his employment application. He was hired six years later despite his record of driving suspensions, a bankruptcy and two terminations from labor-related jobs.

Sox Mid Season Report Card

Yes, I know everyone does this but I'm going to as well.

And thank God the break is over. Last night tv choices were freaking abysmal.


Scott Podsednik—A The guy has been phenomenal. What can I say? Surprising as hell and probably wont' last but ya gotta give it to him. He's been fantastic.
Alexi Ramirez-- C Started out fucking awful and the "one year wonder" chant was starting but he seems to have found his stroke lately. Still shaky in the field though.
Carlos Quentin-- INC Made of balsa. But if he returns to the lineup the Sox may be a team worth watching.
Jermaine Dye--B He's slow and hits into too many double plays but he's been solid as usual.
Jim Thome -- C+ Hits you a homer or two now and then and that's what he does. Period.
Paul Konerko -- A- Quietly having a great season. Yes he's one of the three dinosaurs that clog up the middle of that lineup but he's been healthy for the most part and that's helping.
AJ Pierzynski -- B He's a catcher and he's hitting nearly .300. He also can't throw out a runner to save his life.
Chris Getz – C Total Meh.
Josh Fields – D A bit of a whiner and overrated even before this year's debacle.
Brian Andersen -- D Just trade him already. Please.
DeWayne Wise -- INC I give him this because he was hurt but it's becoming pretty obvious he's not really a major league caliber player on an every day basis.
Jayson Nix -- C See Getz.
Gordon Beckham -- B Guy's gonna be a stud. Not just saying that either. Stud. But he's young and he's made some errors. But he gets points deducted for the helmet hair.
Ramon Castr0 -- B Seems to be handling Contreras well.
Mark BuehrleA Same ol', same ol'. Amazing what happens when you throw strikes and work fast isn't it?
John Danks – B+ -- That first inning of the last outing in Minny was BRUTAL to watch but I like seeing him out there.
Gavin Floyd – B --- Got insane stuff. Seems to have one fuck all inning though.
Jose Contreras – C+ --- F for first half. A for second. What will August be?
Bartolo Colon – D --- Fat, out of shape and stupid. Nice combo.
Clayton Richard – F --- Oh, man. A complete write off every time I see his name come up. Makes Kirk McCaskill seem like Don Drysdale.
Scott Linebrink – C --- I think I may be clouded by the Wrigley meltdown but his fastball is slower and his breaking stuff is flatter.
Octavio Dotel – B- --- Makes me nervous every time. I hate wild in the zone guys.
Matt Thorton – A --- Solid but I'm a bit worried about overuse.
DJ Carasco – A --- See Thorton. Needs to do something different with the socks too.
Bobby Jenks --- B+ --- Still good but he does have mental lapses. "Hey, Bobby, everybody knows if you throw this guy a curve he will wave at it. Oh, look a fastball! On 0-2!! Cripes." (Mate smashes hand on coffee table)
Aaron Poreda – INC -- Gonna be good.

Well, there you have it.

Prediction for 2nd half: Will go down to the wire but come up 2 games short.


Off season of much drama ensues.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

George Miller's Crazy Brother Has Been Found!



Mate's Musings

The AL won again. And yes technically baseball does have a built in home field advantage in the rules and yes, they are the only sport (American anyway) that has that. But does it really make that much difference? No.
2003- Marlins beat Yankees (NL) --- but, of course, the CUBS would've won this anyway if it wasn't for that scallywag Bartman!
2004- Red Sox beat Cardinals (AL) --- Red Sox were on a roll. Made no diff.
2005- White Sox beat Astros(AL)--- The Astros were the worst World Series team in my lifetime. But the Sox were gonna beat the Cardinals too. Didn't matter.
2006- Cardinals beat Tigers (NL) -- It didn't help that the Tigers forgot how to throw and catch and do basebally things but they had home field advantage. Also, this is the worst thing to ever happen to the meathead brigade as the Cardinals were 82-80 going into the playoffs. So, y'know, all you have to do is "get there". Doesn't matter if you're worse at hitting or fielding or pitching than the other team.
2007- Red Sox over Rockies (AL) -- The Rockies, folks. It was the Rockies.
2008- Phillies over Rays (NL) -- Yep. Guess who had home field.

Selig says it's for "hotel reservations"...Yep. What a douche.
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What is with the AV Club (and some Gen Xers) and it's fascination with the old MTV sketch show "the State"?
It was mildly funny at times, sure, but was it Monty Python? Um, no. I recently rewatched one of the episodes while flipping through and it was "this is what passes for entertainment these days?" time.
God, I hate my generation. Pining for shit simply because it was on tv when we all were drinking alot.
Beavis and Butthead was 100 times smarter and funnier BTW....
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Bears camp is 16 days away. Get ready, folks. It's gonna be excruciating.
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Have you ever watched this show called "House Hunters" or "House Hunters International" on HGTV?
Holy Cripes! If you ever want to know just how spoiled rotten Americans are just watch it.
"the bathroom's a little too small...", "I don't like the light fixture...", "I want a view.." This is for a VACATION house in Malta or something.
Oh and the amount of "Thanks, Dad!" young couples makes me want to vomit.
Yet I watch.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tuesday Silliness


Please Tell Me Cuz I Fell Asleep

Was the Home Run Derby last night really four hours long?

It was, wasn't it?  Four.  Hours.  

As with most things in life, there's a point of diminishing returns for even the most cute little exercises.  Home runs are pretty to watch but four hours of any one thing makes for some boring ass television.

While it's already been covered 12,000 times on these internets.  Let's make it 12,001.  Chris Berman must be put out to pasture.  Last night, he made Joe Morgan sound like the smart one.

Besides the fact that "back, back, back!" should have been retired fifteen years ago, hearing him misjudge nearly every flyball was positively maddening.  Routine flyballs to center were "does that have a chance!?" and "that's a MOONSHOT!" dropped two rows into left-center at least a dozen times.

At one point, he admitted he was using the kids shagging balls as a gauge for the ball's trajectory...from a guy sitting about 50 feet from home plate.  

Thank you, Chris.  You managed to make a boring event even more boring--er.  I needed the nap.


Another Minor Internet Sensation That's Minorly Funny

I think they think it's funny more than it actually is but there are moments.

The tune hasn't leave my head and apparently this will be a weekly thing.




Jim Riggleman Will Be The Manager Of The Year?

Well...that might be a bit much but while the Nationals have played nearly historically bad baseball in the first half, there is hope.

According to Fangraphs, Washington has been the most unlucky team (by far) in baseball this year.  Now, keep in mind that this team currently has Mike McDougal closing for them and their bullpen, right now, is sitting as the eighth-worst bullpen of ALL TIME (2007 Chicago White Sox are 20th).  Couple that with some of the most brutal fielding I've ever seen and you have a recipe for the worst record in baseball.  

But the offense isn't brutal and there is some hope in the rotation (Zimmerman, Lannan and Olsen were pretty great in June).  GM Mike Rizzo has a plan, people.  Acquiring a center fielder that catches the baseball and does leadoff things was step one.  Dumping guys bad at throwing baseballs after the sixth inning was step two.  

In classic Phil Rogers fashion, I mostly have hope because I predicted this team to be a .500 club.  Gotta cover my ass (I'll get to "Cleveland will win the AL Central" at some point).

They're on pace to lose 114 games.  I say they lose 101.  You know, just merely bad instead of historically.  And that's progress in Nationals land.


Inter Alia

*  We live in a world where Ryan Seacrest signs a 3 yr./$45 million contract.  The Horror! 

*  Sarah Palin wrote an editorial in the Washington Post today.  It's Palin-tastic!  I think I wrote a more cogent argument when I was drunk and popped out a five page paper three hours before a Western Civ. After 1865 class.

*  After a year or so of 'meh' food in our book, Avec is freakin' back.  Great meal there last week.  Lake trout, boudin, salumi and the brussel sprouts (!) were ridiculously good.


Monday, July 13, 2009

A Break From the White Sox

Thank God. My mid season report card comes Wednesday. That should be fun.

Anyway, I figured this as good of time as any to do my annual Iowa Football predictions. Can't wait to be underwhelmed again this year.

UNI— This will be the usual first game of the year “Holy shit our offensive line is fat and our receivers are white!” realization. I will actually be present for this game so look for a typical Ferentz like blow out yet not final result of oh, 38-10 or something.

@ISU- (Sigh) First off, I will be watching this game in a bar at 9 am in Santa Monica so there’s that. And, secondly, I fucking hate this game. It’s the same damn script every year: Iowa comes out flat or shaking (for some reason—it’s IOWA State not Ohio) or whatever and ISU somehow manages to out gain Iowa and keep them under 24 points even though a) their offense sucks and B) their defense is a joke.
That said, there is NO FUCKING REASON this game should be close. But it will be.
Iowa 24 ISU 17.

ARIZONA- Gonna have to do the DVR for this one as the plane back from California will be en route right in the middle of the game. (Nice) I have no idea about anything in the Pac 10 other than USC is good. Really. I can’t remember the last time I watched a game out there that didn’t involve a Big 10 team.
So I’ll go with what Phil Steele says—they ‘re average. It’s at Kinnick. So, Iowa 28 Arizona 17.

@ Penn State—Planning on having a party at the house for this one so expect a gigantic Iowa turd. Penn State will have “revenge” on it’s mind. Huh? Anyway, Iowa actually plays Penn State pretty tough and is 6-1 vs. them in the 00s. And Penn State doesn’t scare me that much to be honest. But I still expect a loss. PSU 20 Iowa 13.

ARK ST—Um, yeah. No idea. Iowa 42 ASU 14…Sounds right.

MICHIGAN—Night game. Kinnick. Drunks. Michigan is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. But they’ll still find a way to stay close. Look for a few stupid mistakes by a way too jacked up Iowa team to keep Michigan in the game. Will have to recover an on sides. Guaranteed. Christo and Mate will call each other at least 15 times during game to bitch about Brent Greenwood. It's a national game too so the over/under on Pinkl Locker Room stories is at 6. Iowa 27 Mich 20

@ WIS—There’s something about the fat rumbling Red jerseys that just doesn’t scare me. Plus, it’s Brett Bielema. Yeah it’s on the road but Iowa plays pretty well in Madison and should’ve won last time. And Iowa suuuuucked that year. Iowa 26 Wisc. 14 in a game that would bore you to tears if you weren’t a fan of either team.

@ MSUAnother game Iowa somehow lost last year despite controlling the game. This one is a toss up but since it’s in East Lansing and Iowa always has a game where they just play comically bad, I’ll predict it’s this one. MSU 31 Iowa 17.

INDIANA—Ah, the Hoosiers. Cures what ails ya. As long as Adam Shada isn’t covering James Hardy. And he isn’t. Hooisers are awful. Iowa 40 IND 13

NW—I hate these fuckers. I just hate them. And Iowa, SOMEHOW, lost this game last year. I turned to my wife halfway through the second half and went “They’re gonna lose. Watch.” She couldn’t care less but she was closest to me. Anyway, they did. And I had to listen to the 14 NW fans get cocky. But this year I think Iowa gets a win. Call me crazy. NW isn’t gonna be that good. Iowa 34 NW 24..too close though.

@ OSU—Loss. Just don’t even attempt to think anything else. It’s Columbus. It’s the Hawks. Remember 56-0 at half? Remember? Yeah. OSU 27 Iowa 13.

MINN—Goddamn Tim Brewster is entertaining. He’s nuts. And he’s a shitty coach but he is fun. I can’t see them giving Iowa a game when we’re saying goodbye to um…Troy Stross..or something. Iowa 42 Minn. 24…..

9-3 and a trip back to the Outback to take on Ole Miss. Heard it hear first.

There Is No Off Position On The Sox Killer Switch For Carlos Gomez



It all started rather innocently enough.

In his first three games against the Sox last year, Carlos Gomez went a meager 2-14.

The Chicago White Sox baseball world changed, though, on April 30, 2008 when Carlos Gomez became The Carlos Gomez,  going 3-4 against the Sox with a double, two runs and a stolen base to pretty much single-handedly beat the Sox, 4-3.

He followed that up a mere eight days later with a 4-6 game, including a 3-run homer, a double, triple and two runs in a 13-1 blowout in Chicago.

In a four game set at U.S. Cellular in early June that resulted in a Sox sweep, Gomez still found a way to OPS .951 for the series with a double and solo shot.  In between those two series against the Sox, Gomez OPS'ed .683 in 23 games.  

The Twins and Sox didn't face each other again until late July in '08.  In the 37 games Gomez played during that span, Gomez hit .200/.235/.252 for an abysmal .486 OPS.  There was talk of him being benched or sent down during this stretch (I remember because he was on one of my fantasy teams).  In the four game series in the Metrodome where the Twins took three of four, Gomez hit .545.

The Twins and Sox didn't meet again until the infamous sweep by the Twins in Minnesota during the last week of the season.  In between that series and the one in late July, Gomez hit .255/.316/.358 for an OPS of .673.  Better than his previous stint between Sox series but still bad.

He went 7-13 with a double, two triples, three RBI and stolen base for a .538 average and a ridiculous 1.462 OPS.

On the year, Gomez hit .255/.296/.360 for a .657 OPS.  He was the 4th-worst outfielder in baseball last year, ahead of only Francouer, Taveras and Bourn.  

Against the Sox in 2008, he hit .373/.397/.600 for a .997 OPS.

Extrapolate his numbers out to a full season (based on 650 PAs) and Gomez would hit 41 doubles, 25 triples, 16 home runs, 90 RBI and 25 stolen bases in addition to his splits.  His .997 OPS would have been third-best in all of baseball last year. 

In 2009, Gomez has been kept in check by everyone including the Sox until Friday.

He was 2-16 with two stolen bases in the previous six games against the Sox coming into the weekend.  Overall on the season, he was hitting .218/.277/.318 for a .595 OPS, which would have been second-worst in all of baseball if he qualified (Willy Taveras again saves Gomez from sinking even lower).

For the series, he went 5-8 with two doubles, a three-run homer and six RBI for a 1.250 OPS.  His five RBI yesterday were a career high.

And for a guy who had a 20% strikeout rate on the season coming into the series, he didn't strike out once.

THAT...is a Sox Killer.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Bill James Just Let Out A Little Pee


And so has just about anybody interested in knowing a kernel of baseball truth.

There have been significant rumblings in sabermetric circles about this for about a year now but this Saturday, it will be unveiled to all 30 major league clubs.

Sportsvision, the Bay-Area company that gave us the glowing yellow first-down line, has developed (and already tested) a system that will quantify what constitutes good defense and good baserunning with an accuracy never-before seen.

In short, if Shawon Dunston were to enter the league today, he would have been converted to an outfielder by day three of his baseball career.

While it may take a few years for the raw data to be converted to a useful statistical system that everyone can agree on, this is pretty monumental for the game.  And it could dramatically change the course of many a player's career.  

We will now have real data that tells us who best cuts off a gapper, who cuts the bag better on a first-to-third and who actually has the strongest and most accurate arm. 

Before, imperfect fielding statistics like Range Factor and Zone Rating were the best we had.

Range Factor was more of a metric based on total chances, using the assumption that, during the course of a season, most things pretty much averaged out for a particular fielder, allowing players to be compared to each other.  It couldn't factor in positioning or where the ball was hit because the technology didn't exist.  

Zone Rating improved on that by utilizing batted balls from play-by-play data to see where a ball was hit and whether the player converted it to an out.  But that can fall short in defining what exactly a line drive or hard-hit groundball is.  

A shortstop fielding for a brutal pitching rotation, giving up shot after shot, might be better than a shortstop on a team with good pitchers that give up line drives that only nominally fit the definition of 'line drive'.  Now, we will know speeds of hit balls along with computer-generated data and overhead camera details that will tell us so much more about statistical reality.
  
Both were better than the woefully-inept fielding percentage statistic, which was akin to geologists looking at the Grand Canyon and making definitive statements about the last six million years.  Tough to do when the strata only records disasters.

It's a big deal.  Some have said it's as big as the invention of the box score.  We can probably cool our jets on that.  But it most certainly will be as big as the quantum leap sabermetrics made into the front offices over the last 15 years.  

The question will be how it will be applied.  Will it evolve into evaluating hitters in new and different ways?  Like how a player sustains his power over the course of a season or his career by seeing how he handles similar pitches in similar zones, seeing how hard it comes off his bat and what he does with it?

If anything, mouth-breathing baseball morons (and Joe Morgan) now have yet another enemy. 

It's been a good week for the saberguys.  Moneyball (even if Sorkin is writing it) is back on and now this is official.

Happy Day.


Sox Go To the Monstrosity


Well, were done. Why even bother to play? It's the METRODOME for Christ's sake! The Metrodome!!! The ground moves as I walk underneath it. The ball turns invisible as I attempt to swat at it with my large stick. Up is down. Black is white. Dogs have intercourse with cats. It's baseball in the Bizarro World!!
And you expect us to win a baseball game against these people? In this building? Yeah, right. They are NOT HUMAN! You can tell by their UNDEFEATED record at this place! And, my God, Nick Punto! NICK...PUNTO!!

What's that? The Yankees just swept them? Their starting rotation is a joke? Yeah, maybe but it's the METRODOME!!

We're fucked.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Ah Flashbacks

Wife bought me tickets to the UNI-Iowa game today for my birthday (which is techically the next day) so it got me a bit fired up for football season. Not the Meathead Bear fan "Jay Cutler is giving me wood" level of fire (my baseball team is ony 2 games out after all) but still....I do like football.

So without further ado:
Via Black Heart Gold Pants:

Holy crap! The Ponys! The White Pants! The slow White guys! Iowa Hawkeye Mid 80s Football at it's best! And look for a youthful Barry Alvarez at the 4:20 mark.

BTW, it's the ugliest looking 42 yard game winning FG in history.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Scene....

Can we put this horse out of it's misery please?

He's a middle reliever at best. Period.



Bartolo Colon Has Been Found!


After heroically shaking off his "Michael Jackson is dead" funk, Colon will make his rehab start tonight in Charlotte (though he hasn't been added to the roster yet).

Missing for four days?  Did they even bother to check the buffet (I'll take easy potshots for $2000, Alex)?

When he takes the bump tonight, I implore everyone in the BRE family to recognize the significance of the moment.  We've all had to live through this last week with a seriously heavy heart.  Losing an American hero like MJ forces us to reflect on the very meaning of what it means to be an American.

And Bartolo took it harder than most of us.

So remember to pay your respects to a hero deep in mourning over the death of an American icon.



This Shit Again?!

The Chicago sports media is going back to get blood from a stone again. No, not Jay Cutler--Sox attendance.
This time the Sox brought it on themselves with Kenny Williams running his mouth about it. But, God, I'm tired of this. I have been for 10 years. The Sox are like 20 other teams in the league that get anywhere from 20 to 30 thousand during the week. They don't have a stadium that is a fucking landmark that people from North Dakota plan vacations around ok? And they're not the Yankees. Plus,...oh forget it. I'm already bored.
But in the spirit of it here's Mate's cures for the attendance shit. Copied and pasted for the seventh consecutive year.


1. Half price nights on Monday AND Tuesdays: What is there, 3 maybe 4 Monday home games? And 2 of them are usually in April when it’s fucking cold and rainy. I should know. Why not have select Tuesday games be ½ price as well?

2.10 dollar parking during the week: The big thing NOONE talks about with the price of going to the game is that it currently costs 23 dollars to park at US Cellular. 23 beans to NOT use your car. No biggie if you live in the city and want to take the L. But if you live in the burbs? 23 smackers right off the bat. Make it ten bucks for Monday through Thursday games.

3. 5 dollar bleachers for weekday day games. These are usually Thursday getaway games. Get a few 1,000 more folks to come by giving them a cheap ticket and an excuse to not go to work.

4.Soda and hot dogs are $1 through the 1st Inning: Right now they have a deal where hot dogs are a buck up until an HOUR before the game. Um, gee, thanks. Make it through the 1st so a guy who brings his kids doesn’t have to spend 40 dollars on this shit. And, y’know, maybe actually come more than once a year.

5.Reduce Upper Deck prices by at least 25% and set aside 4 sections at 10 dollars a seat for EVERY game: The upper deck prices are ridiculous. 22 bucks for a nose bleed seat! Come on. Really? And the upper left and right field sections are horrible seats but if they were 10 bucks every game I’d be more apt to consider it.

6.Stop caring about what Cub fans think of you: Seriously, let them have their attendance trophy. Who gives a shit?

7.It helps when the team stops tripping over their dicks and don’t leave 400 runners a game stranded: Speaks for itself.

8. Start the games at 7:30!! : I’ve been railing on this for years. The Sox crowd is a late arriving crowd. For example, ME. If I wanted to go to a game on a Wednesday night I would have to drive in at 5 from work (near o’Hare) and fight traffic, park and get to the game in 2 hours. It’s a lot to ask and I feel rushed and at times have gone “Gee, maybe I can go the game tonight?” and decided to not deal with the hassle. If I got an extra half hour? Yep. Seems small but it would make a difference.

There. Now shut up about this.
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BTW, Lawrence Holmes on the Score is fucking brutal. How does this guy have a job?