" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Filibuster-Proof, Food Porn And Fading Vibe

Franken's In

And that makes 60.  

It's not completely over yet because the Minnesota Supreme Court didn't send a directive to the Governor Pawlenty to sign it.  
It's not their job, really, as they were ruling on the specific assertions in an appealed case - a directive makes it politically-charged.  

Essentially, they put the ball in Pawlenty's court to make it political.  If he continues to hope for a run for the Presidency in 2012, not signing it puts him in a very specific right-wing camp.  

Pick your poison, Tim.

Now let's see if you can do something about those ATM fees, Al.

And This Little Nugget From Craig's List in New York

Click on image to enlarge

And remember ladies, if you can spill some mayo on your nipples and lick it off, your résumé immediately goes to the top of the stack.

What Is A World Without Vibe Magazine Going To Look Like?

From JustJared.com via Salon:
Vibe magazine, the urban-music magazine founded by producer Quincy Jones in 1993, will be closing, reports Daily Finance.

No word on when the last issue will be published. Eminem last covered it’s June/July 2009 issue.

Chief financial officer Angela Zucconi said, “We will be making a statement by the end of the day. That’s all I can say at this point.”
You knew the end was near when you got a free subscription to the magazine when you bought three or more Snickers bars.

The End of the World Is Near

Why? Because it looks like Al Davis was right about something...

Lane Kiffin is an assbag.

Eric Berry's brother, 13, commits to Vols

By Drew Edwards

Even though it's too early for Tennessee to actually offer, UT has received its first commitment for the Class of 2013.
That's right, 2013.
Evan Berry, brother of UT All-American safety Eric Berry, has committed to the Vols even before beginning his freshman season in high school.
"It's the only college I know right now and it seems the best for me," Evan Berry, 13, told Rivals.com, which first reported the story. "My dad went there and my brother is there now. I know I can do the same things there. I have a real friendly relationship with the coaches there. I don't know them too well, but I know I will have plenty of time to get to know them."
Evan, along with his twin brother Elliot, have been frequent visitors to Tennessee practices.
Evan and Elliot are set to begin their career at Creekside High School in Fairburn, Ga., this fall. Evan projects as a safety and quarterback, just like his older brother did in high school.
Evan also wants to follow his older brother's footsteps into the defensive backfield.
"I want to play in the secondary, and I want to play for Coach (Monte) Kiffin," Evan Berry told Rivals.com.
Eric Berry enters his junior season after earning consensus All-American honors last season, and he is one of the top-rated prospects for next year's NFL draft.
Evan might be ahead of his brother's pace, says his father.
James Berry, the boys' father and former UT standout, told Rivals.com that Evan - and Elliot - are both further along in their development than their older brother was at age 13.
The NCAA prohibits schools from formally offering scholarships until a prospect has registered with the NCAA Eligibility Center. but judging by the accomplishments of his older brother at UT one would expect the Vols coaching staff certainly appreciates the thought of Evan Berry committing.
Evan's father acknowledged that four years is a long time to remain committed.
"Hey, we just have to take it one day at a time," James Berry said, according to Rivals.com. "Things happen, and four years is a long ways away."

This is more evidence in a long list of asshattery by this "you can tell he's an asshole just by looking at him" new coach at Tennessee.

Here's the list so far (remember folks, he was hired in DECEMBER!!)

It's pretty hard to become Asshole Number 1 in a conference that includes Steve Spurrier, Nick Saban, Les Miles and Urban Meyer (not to mention the fuckstickiest fan bases in college football) but he's been able to do it without coaching a single game! Nicely done.

Sox-Cubs Aftermath

What does the annual Sox-Cubs series (I refuse to call it the Crosstown Classic) bring in more than drunken buffoonery? Bad sports writing.
Oh, man.
This is normally Christo's area but I just have to post some links to some truly awful, knee jerk sports writing in our fair city.

Lets start with the one and only Phil Rogers. Kinda speaks for itself. I'm beginning to think Phil lives in an alternate universe where money and chocolate grow on rocks and the streets are paved with pumpkin pie.

And, Rick Telander pretty much proves he knows nothing about baseball. Apparently the Sox have become the 1985 Cardinals! Um...what?

Finally, good old Carol Slezak wakes up form her nap and comes back with a vengeance. If you had paragraph 3 in the "When will Carol mention Aramis Ramirez" pool, you WIN!!
The Sox are .500! Right in the middle of a streak that will put them within 2 games of the lead in the AL Central.
Then cue muted trumpet.
As predictable as the sun.
And a follow up to Christo's post last week:
Remember these ads all over town? I've never wanted a gyro more in my life!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Get Some Help...Seriously

In what was the dumbest contract details agreed to by any team last offseason, Milton Bradley's $12 million 2011 option vests if he plays 75 games this year.

He's 19 games away.

I can't help but wonder if these words by Bradley are an effort to create a pretext for the Cubs to find a way to deal him (not happening).  Or at least in Bradley's mind, he thinks he's trying to give the Cubs an out.  How helpful of him.

Here's Bradley's letter from summer camp (just the quotes via the Trib): 
"This isn't me,"  

"I've always excelled at playing baseball, and to come here and suck like I have, it's just not a good feeling. And there's really not one guy who I can sit and talk to. I've been on teams where I have guys I know, or somebody I can just vent to."

[On Lee being an outlet] "We just don't have that bond," he replied. "'D-Lee' is cool. He's quiet. But things change. I had a good rapport with [fired hitting coach Gerald Perry]. I trusted Gerald and I could talk to him, and he's gone. I think I clicked with [ex-Cub outfielder Joey] Gathright, and he's gone. So you just kind of feel like you're on an island, and trying to stay afloat."

Bradley said the Cubs are a "good group of guys," but he hasn't formed any real relationships yet.

"The teammates, they're there and they say all the right things," he said. "But it's just [small talk]."

[Lee's response]  "When we're in the clubhouse, everyone gets along with Milton," Lee said. "I don't think there's a guy in here who says he doesn't get along with Milton. Guys get frustrated. We see it all the time."

[Soriano's response]  "I have no problem with him," Soriano said. "I think he's a great guy. The only problem with him is his [combative] attitude sometimes in the game. A lot of people don't like that, but that's him...(if he) is not 100 percent to help the team, we don't need him."

[Bradley on playing on the North Side]  "People are always watching and looking at everything I'm doing," he said. "My personality is more of a guy [who likes to] go unnoticed -- to show up, do my job and go home, and really not have a whole lot of hoopla about it.

"I'm really not a guy who's seeking any attention. I'm not seeking to be noted, like 'Milton Bradley and the Chicago Cubs.' I don't want that. I just want to be part of a group and fit in and just love and be loved. That's the basis of what I am."

"Maybe years ago I might have thought I wanted all this, but I really don't want all the attention."

"If fans went and blamed me because of how I was performing, then the thought was already in their heads [from the story] that they were to boo before I even played," he said. "My play hasn't helped my situation, and it's unfortunate."

"When you walk around, when you look in people's eyes, you don't feel worthy," he said. "That's what I see."
I'm beginning to feel sorry for the guy.  He needs real help.  

We here at BRE make this post completely for posterity reasons.  I'm not digging for these quotes two months from now in the Trib archives.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Let Sweaty Crotch Fest...Begin!

I'm off on the 4th.  

Should I, as my mom would say, "go do somethin' different"?

It's been prob'ly 15 years or whatnot.

And in the wake of the Pacers' pick of Tyler Hansborough last night, allowing them to roll out a starting lineup awash in their own bright whiteness, here's a list of white lottery picks over the years and who was picked after them.  Wow!

Friday Fatuousness

Take The Train To Crazy Town...Hoo Hoo

Michelle, you're too crazy for Glenn Beck.  That might tell you something.

I've watched this twice now.  Can you make sense of her?

So the Census is a vast government conspiracy to do what?  Get my phone number?  

And while it's government intrusion, we should use it to round up illegal immigrants?

And the government used it to round up the Japanese during WWII and...that was a good thing...or a bad thing...in her mind?  So we should use it to round up Mexicans?

Michelle, you mujer loca fabulosa, thanks for not going a full month without being goofy.

Bill Hicks Didn't Know What He Was Talking About

Burger King Ad from Germany:

And from Singapore:

"More Snickers!  More Coke.  I love these products!...Kill yourself."

Mayonnaise shooting out of a sandwich like a spunk stream all over a woman's face is next on the docket.  

Stay tuned.

Friday Isn't For Thinking

OK, so young Iranians are protesting in the streets for a change in regime to one of the most repressive societies in the world. Blood is being shed. Lives are being lost.
And people engulf the streets here because a singer died.

I heart America.

That said, if you are between the age of 30 and 40 and you tell me you didn't own "Thriller" or sit up until Midnight to watch the 14 minute video or know the words to "Beat It" then you are a lying sack of crap.
The guy was a creep and possibly did awful things to some kids. He's beyond reprehension if it's true. At best, he's a nutjob. But you can't deny the fact that he was a fucking great entertainer. No debate.
I wasn't born for Sinatra, Elvis or the Beatles. Biggest star of my lifetime. Hands down.

But I was more of a Prince guy.
If the Sox lost that game yesterday it was over. I was done. Bases loaded, nobody out in the bottom of the 13th and you have to get a two out single by Podsednik to win?! Jesus, guys, the Dodgers at that point probably just wanted to get out of town.

But they did win and I'm sticking by my prediction of a win streak that will get us all fluttery.
Sportswriters in our fair city just can't seem to grasp why the buzz is so low for the Cubs-Sox series this year!

We here at the BRE took a wild stab at it in the staff meeting this morning: Both teams are underachieving suckfests. There. Quit writing about it.
The dog decided that last night was gonna be a perfectly good time to decide to wake up at 1:30 and not go back to sleep.

I tried taking her out to pee/give her a bone (too loud)/put her in a crate (barked)/ fed her/. Nothing worked. She just kept whining. (For the record, she sleeps in the room with us but not on the bed. If I would've let her up it may have shut her up but it would've made this a nightly occurance. Um, no thanks.)

So I got about 3 hours sleep because of my fucking dog.

This is quite a life I lead.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Puttin' It Out There So I'm Forced To Do It

I'm getting old and sloppy.   

It's not quite as bad as when I was a fat hoss and cancelled a college course because it involved a daily trek up three flights of stairs everyday but...

It's starting to creep into the same ballpark in some respects.

Fat deposits have begun to set up camp in strange places, creating an oblong shape in some areas and I'm beginning to get a mild endorphin high from walking the dog.  I think my body is telling me something.

So I'm puttin' this out there in an attempt to shame myself into not letting yet another grand plan fall by the wayside (Christo currently holds the record for such things.  Ask him about moving to Arizona in the mid 90s sometime).  

This September, I'm going to attempt to bike around the southern tip of Lake Michigan.  And as I just said to a friend in an email, get your camera.  Somewhere around the 80 mile mark, you will get the rare chance to see a human being grasping for the last shred of humanity he has left.  

If it goes well - which it won't...if it's even done - a circumnavigation of the entire lake might happen next summer (No Way In HELL That's Happening!).

Shame's underrated in today's society.  I plan to use it to my advantage.  

Hey, maybe I can employ Peggy, the foul-mouthed chambermaid for this one.

BRE Soccer Update

Apparently the USA beat Spain in a soccer match last night. Or the day before. Who the hell cares? And set your watch to the media telling us how this is gonna make soccer the "sport of the future" for the umpteenth time.

For perspective this is what the guy that got the short straw, er, covers soccer for the Sporting News had to say about it:

For those of you who don't know much about World Cup Soccer, this is like Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson, USA beating the Russians in the Olympics, this is "EPIC". USA beat SPAIN 2-0 in the Conferderations Cup to advance to the finals. USA struck when Jozy Altidore shot from the top of key to give USA at the 27minute mark a 1-0 lead. USA on the most part was on defense but held their own. In the second half USA scored at the 74 minute when Clint Dempsey nailed the second goal and put the Spanish players in a "deer in the headlights" look. Spain has not lost a international soccer match since 1999, since 1999 Spain was 35-0-3 in soccer matches until USA beat Spain today 2-0. USA has never done well in international play, becuase we could never advance to the next step. Well the next step in here and USA can use your support. Let the USA players know we are watching and respect their choices of playing a game USA doesn't really understand and care for.

So there ya go. Fine. Nice. I don't care.
But I'm not gonna bash soccer or it's fans. I don't like it but I know alot of people do. Great. Just don't give me shit because I don't.
But I do have a question:

How many fucking "Cups" does soccer have? Jesus. There always seems to be some tournament or cup or championship going on. Does it have an off season? i thought they were in the middle of World Cup qualifying shit. Cripes. Admittedly, I pay very little attention but i do get flashes of a headline or two when I'm clicking on MLB or NFL on Boo Ya. It seems like they're always crowning somebody. Take a breath.
Was on the phone with Directv for 45 minutes yesterday disputing my bill for the third fucking month in a row!
It's a good thing I like my actual service because apparently Barney Fife runs the billing department there.
Maybe if you stopped hiring Shomiqua or Betty Jo things may be a bit better. God, it's like talking to a trailer park.
Sox managed to hold on last night. Up 10-3 and yet LA got the tying run to the on deck circle. Well done.
As long as the Sox can bomb 6 homers a game they'll be fine.
But I do think they're gonna go on a bit of a run here. Don't get me wrong. They'll implode later. But I see a 4-5 game win streak or 7 out of 8 thing happening. They do it all the time.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I often get South Carolina and Argentina mixed up.
Isn't this the same guy that grandstanded against the stimulus money while some people's unemployment checks were running out?
Nothing to see here. Move along. This is fishy. Another GOP Bootlicker with a boy toy? A goucho fetish? Looking at alpacas? Really likes to tango? What's going on, Governor?

(UPDATE: He was hitting some Argentinian ass! Ba-da-bum-bum-bum--another one bites the dust!)
Sanford Resurfaces — From Argentina
By Kate Phillips
The whereabouts of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford this past week just became a bit more curious, as if they hadn’t already stirred quite a bit of chatter in his home state and beyond.
Earlier this morning, Gina Smith, a reporter for The State newspaper in Columbia, S. C., acted on a tip and confronted the governor at the Atlanta airport as he deplaned from, uh, not the Appalachian Trail as his staff had finally disclosed on Monday night, but Buenos Aires.
In a short interview, he told Ms. Smith that he didn’t know why his staff said he was hiking, although he conceded that he had considered that activity as a way to take a break after a bruising legislative session ended last week.
“But I said ‘no’ I wanted to do something exotic,” Mr. Sanford told Ms. Smith. “… It’s a great city.”
The governor said he had been traveling alone. Ms. Smith said she asked him if he had been staying at a hotel, but he wouldn’t answer her question.
Update: Mr. Sanford’s spokesman, Joel Sawyer, just sent out a notice saying the governor would hold a news conference at 2 p.m. in the Statehouse.
The governor’s mysterious disappearance had captured national attention in part because the governor is frequently talked about among conservative Republicans as a potential candidate for the presidency. But it also unfolded in a bizarre way, with his wife Jenny indicating that she wasn’t aware of his traveling plans over the Father’s Day weekend and with rival Republicans in the state contending that the governor’s staff had lied to them.
Various staff members had told reporters that they were unable to reach him. But Ms. Smith said in an interview with CNN this morning that obviously, someone knew his whereabouts because of the tip she received and because he was whisked away by someone who met him at the airport.
In the airport interview today, Mr. Sanford suggested that he was confounded by how his absence was “blown out of proportion.”
The governor had been engaged in a combative, very public fight with the Obama administration and state legislators over his refusal to accept about $700 million in federal stimulus money. The state’s highest court recently ordered him to apply for the funds. In the interview with Ms. Smith at the airport, he cited the lengthy battle with lawmakers over the state budget as a reason for his abrupt departure last week, saying: “It was a long session and I needed a break.”
He planned to return to the state’s capital later today. Whether reverberations from his trip are long-lasting or just a blip on the summer radar screen remains to be seen.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"Hot Enough For Ya?"

Back From Purgatory

Was at McCormick Place all week and weekend. Limited Internet. Fun.

Here's an edited transcript of a conversation I had with they guy at the desk next to me.

GUY: You watch MMA?
ME: Huh?
GUY: MMA..Mixed martial arts.
ME: Oh, no. I know some people who are but...
GUY: You should watch it.
ME: Well, I'm more of a baseball, football guy.
GUY: Yeah, I don't really watch baseball. It's kinda boring...
ME: Yeah, that's how I feel about MMA.
GUY: (completely offended) Boring?!
ME: Two guys beating the crap out of each other? I can go to a bar at 2 am to see that.
GUY: Dude, it's not just that...it's...uh..
ME: Yes?
GUY: Well, I guess it is that but it's not fucking boring! (Roid rage beginning to surface)
ME: Um, I need to take a piss.

(Thank God I didn't get into the blatant homoeroticism in it. He may have combusted.)
For the record-- I have nothing against MMA I just don't watch it.)
Did get to see the not at all predictable meltdown by Scott Leinbrink on Thursday against the Cubs.
First off, Soriano was fucking OUT. Ok? Yes, I know you don't blame the umps and Hawk was over the top but he..was...out!
Secondly, I could've hit the ball Lee hit out. 90 MPH fastball with no movement right over the plate. (Drool)
Third, the Cubs then went on to win 2 more games in Elwayesque fashion after that and became annoying.
Oh and another Iowa football player got arrested for DUI. In other news, the sun will be setting in the west tonight.
But at least this time it was on a moped. So, there is progress. And, BTW, what is with Hawkeye football players and mopeds? When Christo and Mate were "students" you could always spot a football player by his moped. What is that?
Next person to bitch about how "cold" it is when it's 70 degrees in June, have them walk outside today and then promptly kick them in the throat.
It's always a good sign when it's 84 degrees and about 75% humidity at 7 in the morning.
It felt like Louisiana crotch rot.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Christo P. Ney Prodigious Whiff Award

Over the weekend, a stunning feat occurred in San Francisco.

Chris Davis recorded his 100th strikeout on the year...in 220 at-bats.

For perspective, Jack Cust of the Oakland A's (66 Ks in 235 abs) and Mark Reynolds (97 in 255 abs) of the Diamondbacks, both mammoth breeze-makers in their own right and strikeout leaders in their respective leagues last year, haven't been able to keep up with that sort of non-output.

We here at the BRE salute you, Chris.  You keep swingin' at, well, everything, young man.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Two Quick Ones

See...THIS Is How You Do It

Beginning in August, Chicago's ComEd will use software created by Positive Energy to assess energy usage of a Chicago home in relation to other homes in each neighborhood.

So your bill will display things like:  
Results are sent to consumers on behalf of their local utility, praising you with a row of smiley faces (you’ve used 58 percent less electricity than your neighbors this month!) or damning you with none (you used 39 percent more electricity than your neighbors in the past 12 months, and it cost you $741 extra).
Well, they can drop the smiley face crap but that's how you do it.

Make it a competition.  And inject a little shame into the equation without actually saying anything.  Let the shame be fully self-realized.  And offer something that allows a little smugness to rear its head. 

It's akin to a good film script.  Let the viewer do the heavy lifting.  Screw lectures and elitism.  Get the jag-bag down the street who owns a warehouse of a home that costs $800 to heat in the winter to worry whether such a feature will be brought up at the next neighborhood block party.

BRE On-Going Feature:  Trib's Most-Viewed

We can debate forever whether it's the fault of the Tribune for putting it up in the first place or the readers for making it the Most-Viewed story.

But consider this.  Iran is going through its biggest upheaval since 1979 and there's not one article, link, mention or whiff of anything about it above-the-Internet fold on the Tribune's site right now.

And that is HI-larious!  Also, I'm dying to know which Baldwin!  Gotta go.   


BRE News Round Up

Anyone with one good eye knew the guy was juiced up. Do we really need round the clock coverage of it?

At least it was a woman this time.
The GOP introduces another "Defense of Marriage" hypocrite. God, it's like shooting fish in a barell.


So I guess I should thank Sarah Palin for her not at all contrived outrage at David Letterman. Apparently, Dave is in first place. Where he should've been for years. All the Blue Hairs (and Sean Hannity) are lost without Leno to spoon feed them saccharine.
And the Bangles are back together. I know! Me either.

Gotta say though, Susanna Hoffs still looks pretty damn good.

BRE Editors Note: I will have very limited Internet access over the next 5 days so posting may be non existent from Mate. We'll see.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The HELL You Say!!!

From The New York Times:

Sammy Sosa is among the players who tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug in 2003, according to lawyers with knowledge of the drug-testing results from that year....


God, who ate the kid in the front row third from the left? And, of course, I recognize everyone but who the hell is number 40 and why didn't he get the memo about the black shoes?!! No clue.

Windy City Circus

Ok, let's just get this over with. Is it just me or does having it during the week just completely neuter the buzz on this series?

1. It was a cheap shot. Yes, the photo makes it look like Barrett cold cocked AJ in a straight up fight but it wasn't. He wasn't looking and Barrett shoved a forearm into him. Plus it was 4 years ago.

2. You do realize that Ozzie says this shit about Wrigley to get the Droopy Shorts Brigade upset? It works. And guess what? He's right. Wrigley is a dump. The field/ambiance? Good. The amenities for the players? Suck monkey.

3. Why do the Cubs get the excuse that Armais Ramirez is hurt yet the Sox don't get the Carlos Quentin excuse? See I can be a Mike Murphy too.

4. And, yes, we get it. It's just a series but can some of the Tragically Hip stop with the condescending attitudes please. Like the otherwise usually enjoyable yet just a tad full of himself, Dan Bernstein. It's for the fans, guys. We know it's just a 3 game series in June. We do. But just let it be what it is and enjoy it. I'm not saying you have to be an apoplectic Meathead but you don't have to be a smug, finger tenting English professor about it either.

5. Prediction: Cubs win today and Thursday. Sox win Wednesday. And then back to mediocrity!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

More GOP Idiocy

Gee, I can't imagine how a comment like that could've been misconstrued...
And I didn't know a million racist asshats that look JUST LIKE THIS GUY!

Rusty DePass is under fire for his Michelle Obama gorilla comment on Facebook. The gorilla comment has been since followed by DePass issuing an apology by saying “[t]he comment was clearly in jest”.
DePass, a GOP activist and former chairman of his state’s elections commission, wrote of the First Lady Michelle Obama on Facebook this weekend.
First, an aide to state Attorney General Henry McMaster had authored a Facebook post about the escape of a gorilla from Riverbanks Zoo Friday. DePass then posted the following response on Facebook:
“I’m sure it’s just one of Michelle’s ancestors - probably harmless”.
DePass reportedly told WIS News thereafter:
“I am as sorry as I can be if I offended anyone. The comment was clearly in jest”.
DePass deleted his Facebook page thereater, the comment deleted, reports WIS.

They Actually Used The Phrase 'Ponzi Scheme'

Gettin' Funnier...

From the Chicago Tribune:
The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission on Monday accused David Hernandez of running a fraudulent investment scheme. Hernandez started an Internet-based sports talk show with Chicago radio personality Mike North.

In the civil lawsuit, the SEC charged Hernandez of operating a Ponzi scheme and diverting investor funds to buy cars, jewelry and a piano among other things. He also transferred funds to the bank accounts of two other companies he controlled, including Spectrum Entertainment Group Inc., which funded the talk show, Chicago Sports Webio, the SEC said.

The complaint also said that Hernandez is a convicted felon and that he and his wife, Gina Hernandez, have filed for bankruptcy in 2004, 2005 and 2006. In 1998, Hernandez was convicted of wire fraud arising from previous employment at a bank.

Hernandez could not be immediately reached for comment.

I Like The Fat Guy's Testimonial The Best

I'll say it again. We don't invent anything anymore. We just come up with scores of unnecessary shit.

Monday Musings!!

They're gonna do it. I know it. These fuckos win 2 out of 3 in Milwaukee and now will go on a bit of a run to get back to .500 or even a little above. They're gonna do it. Watch. We'll get interested and start thinking stuff like "Hmm, maybe if they get hot.." and "This division is weak so maybe..." and then they'll go and lose 6 out of 7 to Cleveland and Kansas City, make guys with abortions of ERAs look like Cy Young, leave countless runners stranded, hit into three rally deflating double plays a game, and we'll all return to our previous bullshit. But at least by then we can sniff football season.
Hey, I make no bones about the fact that I'm a dog person and don't really "get" cats. But I fucking hate the macho bullshit some guys do when they talk about them. You know, "I'd just shoot a fucking cat if I saw one..".That type of he-man. I run into them all the time. I just want to go "Wow. You are such a manly guy for wanting to kill an animal that never did anything to you. I really am impressed by how much you hate an animal simply because liking one may make someone think you're homosexual. No underlying issues there at all."
And wouldn't you just like to take a baseball bat to this kid and his smug little mugshot? You know why they call it the 'slammer', Fuck Bag? You'll find out.
So starting tomorrow we have to get through 3 days of this circus. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but the Meatheads will be in full force. And let's not lose site of what this is: Two mediocre teams getting together for a 3 game series.
Watched "He's Just Not That Into You" last night. The wife picked it. Cut me some slack. Anyway, I'll break it down for you in maddening simplicity:

Women are emotional wrecks who can't be happy unless they have a man in their life and guys are sex crazed douchebags who cheat and lie.

Yep. God, I need an alcohol shower after watching this shit. For the record the wife hated it too. And I get the next 5 picks for movies.
The Iranian election rigged?! The hell you say!
Come on, folks. You really didn't see this coming a million miles away?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Moronic Monday

How's Your Tummy, Muffin?

Waiting tables in the summer means you obsessively watch the weather forecast, begging for rain or sunshine depending on what your bank account balance currently looks like.

So when the forecast for Saturday called for rain all week, I thought making plans for that night was entirely reasonable.  But just as I was about to make the perfunctory call to work to confirm the calling-off of my shift, Mother Nature parted the gray and rainy sea, meaning I missed out on Mate and Mrs. Famber's alcohol-soaked get-together.  I hate waiting tables.

I'm sure Mate will update us on the various acts of bacchanalia that took place.

Nothing Like The 2000 U.S. Election Could Ever Happen In Iran.  No...wait...

Two blogs are doing an incredible job of covering the apparent sham and the resulting fallout that was Friday's presidential election in Iran.  Check them both out.  

New York Times' The Lede Blog

Huff Post's Iran Uprising Blog

Oodles of hearsay and second-hand accounts but a pretty good overall picture emerges of what's happening block-by-block updated minute-by-minute.

This Just In.  Jesus Will Arrive A Year Early

Thank Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated for this one. 

"Baseball's Chosen One," Bryce Harper, sophomore at Las Vegas High School, will enroll in junior college this fall, making him eligible for the 2010 MLB Draft.

Don't know him, haven't seen him play outside of a few YouTube clips, maybe he's good, blah, blah, blah.

But one thing I've noticed about the clips I've seen is that some of the opposing players look...well...reminiscent of Cal-Wheatland players.

And the legendary 570 foot home run at the Tampa Bay Power Showcase has a veerrryyyy distinct PING!!! sound to it (show starts at the 3:00 minute mark).

Why don't we just start anointing two year-olds as the next sports saviors?  Crap.  I forgot.  We already do.  Meet lil Joe Miracle (that's his real name).

Nine Weeks Is A Long Time In The Sports Radio World... 

...Or not.  The Clown Show continues to impress (really I just liked the picture).

I Must Say.  I Kinda Agree.  Get Off My TV!!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

"I half expected to find the Ark of the Covenant before I found my seats, and the smell was like taking a Fantastic Voyage inside a penis."***

Who do I root for? It's like choosing between a broken Budweiser bottle in the eyeball and a jackhammer to the nuts.
*** Quote courtesy of Deadspin and consequently the funniest and most apt description of Wrigley I've ever heard.

Friday Isn't For Thinking

If the Sox lose that game yesterday it was gonna be clap hands like Peter Griffin “DONE!” time.
You know it’s bad when the team gets the bases loaded with nobody out and you feel only somewhat confident they can squeak a run out of this. Mainly because the infield is drawn in. Seriously. If they would’ve needed two they probably wouldn’t have done it.
My gut tells me Kenny Williams is giving this thing until early July and if they aren’t within sniffing distance of first place (5 games or so) and at least toying with .500 then it’s buh-bye to Dye, Dotel, probably Jenks and possibly Thome, if you can find a team that is in the AL, is in contention and needs a DH that is half glacier. Angels?

Sarah Palin was on the Today Show this morning as I half assed watched it from the kitchen and I had to physically get up, go to the living room, pick up the remote and turn the channel. I don’t get this way with politicians very often (they all kind of have that smarminess to them regardless of party) but her voice is so fucking grating and I’m getting so sick of this phony bologna "outrage" over stuff the GOP Wing Nuts keep throwing out there that I act like my grandmother when she used to get pissed off at the sports guy on Channel 6. Click.

Remember when it was the Left we used to make fun of for this kind of shit?
Ever walk your dog in the rain while holding an umbrella? It’s maddening. Worst part is the gay ass spin you have to do when the dog gets tangled up behind you.
I’ve finally realized something about my job..It’s not soul sapping, it’s not unpleasant, I don’t dislike it…It’s fucking BORING!! Jesus Christ is it fucking dull…"It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL”—Mr. Anchovy
Saw the first football preview magazines are out. June..Mid June. Wow.
I'm as big a football nut as there is but can we at least get to Father's Day before we start obsessing over Tom Brady's knee?

Oh, and fuck Tom Brady and his knee.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Phony Outrage Once Again

Sean Hannity was disgusted by the joke about Sarah Palin and her daughter from David Letterman the other night!! Just, outraged!!
So who does he have on? Anne Coulter. Not making it up.
I don't necessarily disagree that there's a bit of a double standard. He's right to point out that if the joke was about one of Obama's daughters the backlash would've been higher. No doubt. But peddling out this windbag to decry poor taste? Really?

God, what a Donkey Dick. Sean, that is. Anne just looks like a donkey.

And, what a surprise a peabrain like Sean prefers Leno.

Here's the transcript in case you don't want to look at Anne and her bony War refugee physique.

HANNITY: All right. You know, I guess people say, "Oh, it's David Letterman." He also referred to, you know, the "slutty flight attendant" look of hers. And I'm thinking now, David Letterman --


HANNITY: -- from what I understand, he just got married. He has a wife. He has a child. I think David Letterman would react if people started making similar attacks against his wife and child.

COULTER: Right. And now that the families are open to this, have you seen the wife? I think every time liberal males see a female who is identifiable as a female, they think -- they call them slutty stewardesses. I think that's his way of saying she's attractive.

For both of these lines, I mean, it seems to me the two rules are -- have been that you can't attack the family members -- but I guess Sasha and Malia are fair game for comedians now. And the second rule is that it has to be funny. And that's the problem with the herpes joke. I'm not seeing the humor there, OK?

HANNITY: Well, I'm not seeing --

COULTER: Sarah Palin is not going away.

HANNITY: I'm not seeing the humor --

COULTER: So is Obama.

HANNITY: I'm not seeing the humor in any of this, and maybe, it's played itself out because it got killed by Leno, killed by Nightline, and now he's getting apparently killed by Conan O'Brien. So, apparently, he's --

COULTER: He's been killed for years. I mean, he has -- I think since he and -- up until recently, he and Leno were competitors. Leno has, like, twice his ratings. I think we know what keeps him on air.

HANNITY: Yeah. But Leno was funny. I mean, Leno -- I always enjoyed watching him.

COULTER: Yeah. That's why he had twice the ratings of Letterman.

HANNITY: Yeah. You know, look, I wonder if --

COULTER: No, but, Letterman is a reliably -- Letterman is reliably left wing, and that'll keep you a job in the mainstream media.

HANNITY: All right, now, I've watched you speak in public and I can't see you going after Barack Obama's daughters. I can't see you going after the children of politicians. You know, the politicians are fair game. They put themselves in the public arena. We're fair game. People say awful things about Ann Coulter on a pretty regular basis. Obama has attacked me by name -- all fair game.

But when you go after kids the way he did here -- this is a young girl we're talking about -- when you go after a woman this way --

COULTER: Well, and it's not just -- right. Right. And people didn't go after Chelsea Clinton, and they have not gone after Sasha or Malia. This is a rule that has never been subscribed to by liberals, and it isn't just comedians. If MSNBC is the official Barack Obama station, CNN is the official Levi Johnson station. He's on that network more than Cooper Anderson is now.

This has become an obsession with attacking this young girl of Palin's.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I May As Well Be Small

Here's the results.

Notice an absence?  Palin got less than 0.5%.

Beaten by no one, everyone and other...badly.

I can't figure out if this is a good thing or bad thing.

Blinded By the White

CNN dares to ask the question: Who speaks for the GOP?

Gee, I cant imagine why they are having trouble reaching Blacks, Asians, Latinos, the Young, Women....
I haven't seen this many pasty, old White guys since the steam room at the Friars Club.

A Head Scratcher

What's more annoying? A question for the ages.

Guy Who Constanly Mentions That He Doesn't Own a TV


Guy Who Casually Slips In That He Listens To NPR Into Every Conversation...

Or are they one in the same?


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

One's Out And The Other Isn't Really The Point

Nope.  I Still Haven't Let This Go

With twice as much money, Bill Clinton actively campaigning for him and the vast majority of press flowing his way, Terry McAuliffe (#4 seed in the BRETOA2) found a way to lose to a state senator from western Virginia, Creigh Deeds, in the Democratic primary for Governor of Virginia.  

And though final numbers aren't in, apparently he just got his ass waxed, even in the tony suburbs of D.C., Auliffe's own stomping grounds.  Early estimates are 50% for Deeds and 25% each for McAuliffe and Moran, the third challenger.

It was so bad for Deeds financially that he laid off a good portion of his staff in the last two weeks just so he could run TV ads.

So...Shake it, Terry.  Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Probably Safe...But Maybe Out

Okay...none of the angles give the benefit of seeing whether Laird tagged Wise under the arm before sweeping the glove up the back.  I slo-moed it a ton of times and you simply can't see.  It was as close a play as there is and the ball beat him.  But he might have been safe...or maybe out.  Get that call at home?  Maybe, but the ball beat him.  

And Joyce didn't call him safe before calling him out.  He was trying to get out of the way of Wise.

1 for 9 with RISP and 10 men LOB, bringing the total over the last nine games to 6 for 64 with RISP.  That's how they lost, not some perceived blown call by Joyce.  Buehrle had a horrible game, they couldn't get to a wild Dontrelle Willis, Detroit's bullpen walked seven with the Sox getting 12 walks total all night and they still couldn't beat the Tigers.

I want to know how this happens:

After Anderson's homer (whaaaa???), three walks and a single with no runs scored. 

Dye and Jenks better get their houses on the market because there's gonna be sum dealin'.

Sean Hannity Somehow Felates Sarah Palin

Mr. Burns, your campaign has the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?
Jesus. We know you're a hack for the GOP, Sean but could you at least make an attempt to not slobber on her?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Kenny, Carl Everett Is Still Out There. I Promise.

I say "We're getting the band back together" isn't official until they sign Hermanson.

And we're officially a White Sox blog this week.

This Has 2007 Written ALL Over It....

Watching this team is excruciating.
They are just godawful. Unless something truly crazy happens in the next 2 weeks it's buh-bye for the fat, bloated wood ticks in the middle of this lineup.

Jermaine "Rally Killer" Dye and Jim "Home Run or Nothing" Thome need to go. Get something. Anything. Brian Andersen--see ya, DeWayne Wise--you're a career minor leaguer for a reason, Josh Fields-- you're like a Little Leaguer. Make a routine play. It's not hard. Ozzie? Stop trying to get any of these guys to bunt. It ain't gonna happen. Talk about a monkey humping a football.
Bullpen is good. So what?
When the Sox are down I have zero confidence in them coming back. Zero.

It's become abundantly clear that this team is....just...bad.

But Mate, He Certainly LOOKS Like A Baseball Player

The gloves are wrapped tight.  The hat is never askew. 

When he steps into the box, it's with the mannered patience and icy stare that belies his years.

When he takes a pitch, he watches it into the glove, slowly steps out and gives a concentrated gaze into an abyss that happens to be in the direction of the first base dugout TV camera.  He chews, taps his cleats, offers a graceful practice swing that is never duplicated in the box and steps back in to start the routine over all again.

The next pitch is a slider away.  Doesn't matter if he hasn't given even a scintilla of thought about what the book might be on how to pitch him, he's going to swing...and look good doing it.  He'll give a hack accompanied with a dramatic recoil and a corresponding facial expression that says, "You better not throw that weak-ass shit my way again."  Never mind that he missed it by two feet.

Only pussies adjust to pitches so when a curveball inside comes, a weak dribbler to short is just part of the game.  

He'll get 'em next time...or next time...or next time.  Plus, it gives him the opportunity to dive into first, sully his uniform, maybe cause his eyeblack to run.  

Out by eight feet?  Doesn't matter.  He's a gamer. 

It's not like they're going to release him.  He's a defensive wizard.  Sure, it's bullshit but image is everything.  All he needs is the team to give guys like Dewayne Wise and Jerry Owens time in center and he'll be just fine.  It's all about not looking as bad as that.  Comparisons matter.

Okay, he's struck out 184 times in 700 at-bats, but he looked fierce doing it.  And sure, he has a career .284 on-base percentage, but it's up to .328 this year.  Score callers think that's good.  

And never mind his absolutely atrocious career OPS of .653 is identical to slap hitter extraordinaire Rajai Davis and easily eclipsed by the career OPS of slap hitter Zeus, Juan Pierre (.722), people think he's young and will get better even though he's already 27. 

All he needs to have happen is to be in a lineup with Jayson Nix, Chris Getz, Josh Fields and Ramon Castro with Bartolo Colon or Jose Contreras on the bump.  He'll get lost in the chorus of criticism.   

It's about managing criticism.  Look good.  Look intense.  Look Chicago tough.  Make one great catch a month and become "indispensable."

That's the kind of process that guarantees you a roster spot.

Recliners? At a Baseball Game?! Has the World Gone Topsy Turvy?!

Went to the Sox game yesterday and stumbled into two free seats in the right field patio in RECLINERS! Yeah, these. Got a waitress and everything. So we didn't have to get up to spend 6 dollars for nachos! Nobody in front of us. Nobody behind us. Got on the Jumbo Tron. Fucking great way to watch a game if I do say so myself.
But almost ruined by the actual game. Once again the Sox make a mediocre at best pitcher with an astronomical ERA look like Steve Carlton. And Brian Andersen is officially at best, a late inning defensive replacement. Period. He missed that last strike by a foot and a half. It's been 4 years guys. He's not gonna get better.
And Colon is a waste of time. And I still don't think Crowe caught that ball Beckham hit but I haven't seen the replay. I saw alot of white from my recliner! And why the fuck wasn't Thome pinch hitting with the tying run at the plate in the 8th?!
I know Greg Walker isn't really to blame, I guess, for all this but somebody has to be sacrificed. This offense is embarrassing. Bases loaded. No outs. A run already in and you get NOTHING. You have to try to do that.
Ozzie meltdown in 5..4..3..2
Jon Miller has thoughts on blogs and why people like Christo and Mate hate him and his bullshit over enunciated Spanish accents. And he's looking more and more like Ben Franklin by the day. He doesn't see the point in any of this! (Even though he doesn't read them)---via Deadspin
Goddamn there are a lot of people out of work that I know. I can think of 7 people off the top of my head that are unemployed.
Folks that have worked at the same company for years (some of them)...And you wonder why I want to write for a living and not have to answer to some bullshit corporation? The minute you become a liability you are out..the..door. At least in film you may be getting fucked over but you're doing it on YOUR time.
I guess we can put a nail in the coffin of the Sam Zell: Genius talk.
OK, I was flipping through the channels last night and Brett Micahels and Poison were on the Tonys?! Performing. Did I see this correctly?
Umm....Three questions: First, why? Second, Poison is still around? Third, they still do the Tonys?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Saturday Salmagundi

This week's "Somebody Kick This Fuck In The Nuts" Award goes to...

That is all.