" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Friday, May 29, 2009

Wow. 10 Years Ago...

First off, where the hell did that decade go?
Secondly, I was there at 4am. 4 fucking AM! Yes, 26 but still excited. Only to feel the cinematic version of blue balls. Halfway through I had to reluctantly admit that it sucked monkeys.

Darth Maul was cool, though.

Friday Fatuousness

Small Mercies

Feeling rather laodicean today.  I'll try to plow through.

Last night, with the bases loaded, two out, bottom of the ninth and down one, Jake Fox stepped to the plate in the "rematch" (glurp) of last year's NLDS. 

By now, everyone knows about the apparent Babe Ruthian production Fox had at Triple-A this year.  All the elements were in place for Fox to become the next Cub fan god along the lines of other Cub greats like Damon Berryhill, Tuffy Rhodes, Ced Landrum, Tyler Houston or Gary Scott.  

With a base hit to left and given Juan Pierre's Frank Burns-ish arm, Lee would have scored from second and the legend would have begun.  I was grimacing with every freakin' pitch.

He struck out.  And thank all that is holy.

Which brings me to two points.  First, with the meteoric rise of players like Evan Longoria, Ryan Braun, David Wright, Tim Lincecum, etc. in recent years, everyone and their mother seems to be out to christen the next great star, using superlatives so wild that seemingly every minor league player off to a hot start is well on his way to be the greatest human to ever don a uniform in the history of history.

Most of it comes down to writers trying to find an angle or create some level of buzz in an otherwise dreary team situation, but gear up, boys.  Tonight, Matt Wieters makes his professional debut behind the plate for Baltimore.  And Matt Wieters is going to cure cancer and bring about world peace someday.  You just wait.  Doubters are heretics.  

Can we knock this crap off please?  Do we learn nothing from history, people.  

Second, back to the Cubs, Jake Fox was a late game replacement last night and Lou plugged him in at third base in the lineup switch.  Now, if anyone wants to know why the Cubs aren't a particularly good baseball team this year, even with all the injuries and batshit lunacy, this is one reason why.  

They have a haphazardly thrown together roster with little versatility all done under the auspices of making the team less right-handed (and Christo continues to beat the drum).  Jake Fox, in 635 minor league games, has played third base exactly five times.  Bottom of the ninth, down one, three out of four hitters coming up were right-handed and Lou is forced to play Fox at third.  But hey, Quade was working with Fox at third before the game so that makes it all okay.  

This is not a particularly great team.  And certainly not championship caliber right now.  With the sale of the team hitting huge roadblocks, Hendry's hands may be tied at the trade deadline and the NL Central is better than people predicted with three teams showing signs of moderate competence at doing baseball things.

In other words, it may be long summer in Cub land...and that makes Christo smile.

Worth A Look

Mike Judge is cashing in his free chip and doing an animated series for ABC called The Goode Family about a environmentally-conscious, obsessively politically-correct vegan couple, airing Wednesdays at 8pm.  

The first episode aired two days ago and 13 are already in the can.  With no expectations for ratings in the summer, all 13 should see the light of day.  

The first episode felt like merely a collection of jokes, some a little strained, rather than fully-baked concept but there might be some potential here if Judge fully integrates and develops all the characters. 

If given the time and he branches out from a well-worn comedic box, this could be quite good.

Friday Isn't For Thinking

CNN is still trying to make their T-shirt Headline stuff fly yet I have yet to see one soul (apart from the models on the website) wearing one.
Anyway, the geniuses at the network thought that this particular headline was zany enough to put on one:

Kittens whacked on head for laughs

I can't do a screen capture of it but this is HI-Larious!
Animal cruelty is always a fair trade for an excuse to wear an ironic t-shirt!
Dopey people trying to shove a dopey idea down our throats.
Have you paid any attention to this idiot? He ran for President last year and go about 5 votes. He's a stark raving lunatic. Here's a partial rundown of his lunacy.
Gee I can't imagine why the Republican party lost Latino votes last election?
With guys like Tom Tancredo on your side there's no backward, Hillbilly riddled Southern state they can't win in 2012!!

New thing that pisses me off: Voice activated customer service. Jesus.

Lady Robot Voice: Please say the reason your calling...

Me: (trying to be quiet at work): Billing.

LRV: I heard "programming"...

And it goes on like this...The worst part of it? Yelling into the phone shit like "BILLING!" or "CUSTOMER SERVICE!" slowly. Makes you sound like a complete idiot.
On the radio in the cubicle next to me? "Cryin" by VIXEN!! Shit. You. Not.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

That Mid Week Series at Wrigley Just Got More Interesting

I didn't hear it but apparently Don Cooper called Zambrano an asshole on the Score this morning.

Nope. Still Goin'

"The Chicago newspapers are anti-Cub and have no integrity."

"Just like how they can't tell the REAL truth about the Zambrano bumping, newspapers won't be able to root out REAL corruption in politics in the future."

Nobody's going anywhere until I hear Mad Trucker's opinion!

I have a gun!

BTW, Dan McNeil filled in for Boers this week.

Tick?  Tock?

Tim Tebow is God! WOO!

I've decided to wait on the Message Board Moronocy until August or so. May just isn't the month to start scouring for stupid on these boards. You really don't get a clear sample until football season is near. That's when the real ignorami comes out.
But I will give you a Top 5 in Dumbassery in my limited research so far:

1. Florida Gators (Rivals)
2. Georgia Bulldogs (Rivals)
3. LSU Tigers (Rivals)
4. Chicago Cubs (Cubs.com)
5. Nebraska Cornhuskers (Rivals)

What? No Iowa? Well, they certainly do have a lot of stupid on there but the three SEC Boards I mentioned above made the Hawkeye board sound like the Algonquin Roundtable.
Well, the Sox took 2 out of 3 in the World Series of Mediocrity out in Anaheim. Once again they were owned by Jared Weaver. Who now has a 4-0 record against the Sox and an ERA of 0.0011111111 and apparently has the most intimidating stuff since Sandy Koufax.
OK, Chicago, you can get back to ignoring hockey again.
God, the Republicans are predictable. What did it take, 5 minutes? And its the same douchebags as always shouting the loudest: Rush, Newt, Hannity, O'Reilly...God, they are boring. Even the Wall Street fucking Journal, for God's sake, can see through the bullshit.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

El Loco Strikes Again


He just freaked out on the umpire, bumped him and then decided to beat up the Gatorade machine with a baseball bat.

Tough guy.

BTW, Morgan was safe, Carlos.


Somebody smack this freaking thing with a shovel!
And the pleasant morning dew on the front lawn at BRE Headquarters just turned to blood.

Zach Braff Discusses Season Nine of "Scrubs"

"Scrubs" still has a pulse at ABC
If you didn't already know, the series finale of ABC's "Scrubs" wasn't truly its swan song. Though the show went out in a heartfelt fashion that only J.D and company can do, the executives at the alphabet network have decided to give new life to the wacky medical drama.
The show has officially been renewed for a ninth season, and while its star Zach Braff will only appear in six episodes, Turk (Donald Faison), Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley), and the Janitor (Neil Flynn), have all signed on for the ninth season.
The new slant on the show is that it will begin to follow the new interns that we have slowly gotten to know over the past year--such as Jo, the incredibly unsympathetic newbie.
Zach Braff recently discussed on his Myspace blog what ABC has in store for the ninth season of Scrubs:
To clear up the confusion:Scrubs will be coming back, but in a new incarnation. Scrubs as we've all known it is over. That chapter is closed. But as there are so many fans of the characters and writing of the show worldwide, the powers that be have decided to try and keep them alive a little longer (in the spirit of "Frasier" being a new chapter of "Cheers".) I will be in the first 6 episodes of this new incarnation to help transition the show into what it will become. And then I will be off to work on some new projects that I'm very excited about/ write my new movie/continue to learn how to fly airplanes. :)) As to what the new show is? That's only clear in the mind of Bill Lawrence at this time.I know many of you will have very strong opinions on this topic. And I respect them all. But first and foremost, if any of you were in a position to put about 200 people whom you really loved back to work in this economy, you would do it in a second. That has always been in the back of Bill's and my mind; we just didn't imagine ABC would ever give us the opportunity to keep it going.If anyone can find an interesting new shape for the show it's Bill. Don't hate it until you see what he comes up with. Once its up and going there will be plenty of time for you to decide whether you love it or hate it.Hope this clarifies a few things. That's all the info there is on that right now... I hope this finds you smiling

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hey, Boneheads!

Who are Jon and Kate and why am I being inundated with every minutiae detail of their lives?
You do realize that reality tv is complete and utter bullshit right? You do get that the shows have writers and directors and story arcs just like any scripted show and this whole "Cheating" thing was totally manufactured to boost ratings? Right? Please tell me you do. Please.

What's that? Guess not.

For the love of God, people, Stop.Watching .This. Shit.

Mate's Post Holiday Musings

Will be getting to Message Board Moronocy I promise. It's really hard to syphon through and pick 10. My God, there are a bunch of idiots out there. The Florida Gator Football board alone is a fountain of stupidity.
Listening to the Score on the way in to work today. Why? I enjoy writhing in pain. Anyway, the resident Smug Fuck Zach Zaidman, (who apparently doesn't get a day off, seriously every time I turn on the station he's there!)was trying to dissect the Cubs current 8 game losing streak and was pulling the old "let's not panic. It's only May" line. Ok, fine. But why would a fan base that hasn't won a World Series in 100 YEARS still be standing by the "we're gonna be fine" company position? Guess what? You're not. The injuries are piling up and that bullpen is (like we said before) B-A-D! This is not a foregone conclusion, folks. Brewers are better and so are the Cardinals and Reds.
And, by the way, why do the Cubs get this pass but the same people were ready to stick a fork in the Sox? Hey, I am by no means trying to say the Sox are good. They're not. But they are in a bad division and 83 wins may win that thing. It could happen.
God, I could've just copied and pasted a post from LAST May. My Slezak Sense is tingling!
Ok, the Peavey thing. Christo was out of town for this debacle so I guess we can rehash it here.
First, i knew when I heard "Peavey has to ok the deal" that it wasn't going to happen. Peavey wasn't going anywhere except Houston, Atlanta or the Cubs. At least right now. From all accounts Peavey likes it in San Diego and isn't all that keen to leave. Cubs I can see but Houston? Atlanta? It's probably because its close to his home state of Alabama, which gives me pause. How good of judgement could he have if he wants to go back to that armpit? I kid. Hell, I almost moved there myself.
And I for one wasn't that upset. The guy is a very good pitcher but you have to take into consideration he plays in a freaking stadium roughly the size of O'Hare Field.
On top of that he would have single handily taken the roughly 40 million dollars the Sox are taking off the books after this season to, it is assumed, go after some high end free agents. This team will have a different look next year (thank God) but only if they have the cash to go out and get some of those faces.
And, Jake, 22 million dollar option for 2013? For a pitcher with some shoulder issues? Good luck with that.
The plan for Memorial Day was to go see a movie but it was too much effort. So, we stayed home and after 30 days of Netflix lethargy induced collecting of dust on our television, finally watched "Australia".
150 million bucks for that? A two and a half hour movie essentially about cattle.
And Nicole Kidman is starting to look like a wax statue more and more. Yikes.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Be Careful What You Wish For

On our last night in Toronto, as we returned to the hotel from dinner, a rerun of 30 Rock was on TV.

Steve Martin playing Gavin Volure, a billionaire secretly under house arrest, asks Tina Fey's Liz Lemon character to run away was him, saying, "We can go to Toronto.  It's like New York, just without all the stuff."

Ding-ding-ding!  We have a winner!

I've heard people call Toronto a European city.  If you strip away anything resembling a city energy or liveliness and take out distinctive and defining architecture, then yes, it's similar to a European city.

I've heard people say Toronto is a extraordinarily well-run city.  It is.  But so is the Weather Channel.  Doesn't mean I want to watch it everyday.  

I'm under no preconceptions that I can get the essence of a city in a mere four days.  It's silly to do so.  And of course Toronto has some absolutely wonderful aspects to it.  But let's be silly.  I'm in the mood.

In a word, everyone and everything in Toronto is just so calm.

Nobody babbles away on their cellphones.  Nobody really seems to laugh above the environmentally-required decibel level, nobody seems to drink much and I think I heard a car horn exactly once.  Everything just carries along at a low-key, unified pace.  

Mrs. Ney put it perfect.  You just don't feel like anything could happen there.

But it's well-run in the way that I imagine Seattle is.  The subway is efficient, there are recycling bins everywhere, oodles of bicyclists, it's clean but not too clean, "local and organic" perpetuates itself on everything even down to the candy bars and there's a Starbucks on EVERY corner.

And it's a diverse city...except for any sighting of a Latino, which was oddly disconcerting coming from Chicago.

But we went for the food.  And good food we had.  

Though it's strange to rank meals we've had in our life, Colborne Lane and Chiado probably sit in the top 10-15.  

Colborne Lane is a quasi-molecular gastronomy restaurant a bit in the Moto vein, maybe a bit less playful but probably better.  So many flavors incorporated into each dish but each thoughtfully integrated with the protein never lost in its own cleverness.  

Chiado is an old-school Portuguese restaurant that was the impetus for our trip (we were looking for a wine, saw it on their list, knew we were going to Cleveland in May and planned a trip around it).  The lasting impression of the place is how great the original product was and how well they prepared said product.  

Plus, the sommelier gave us a bottle of wine that was a barrel sample that hadn't been tried by any customer in North America yet according to him, which we thought was just the tops.

Two other restaurants that served as solid filler around the two big ones were Pizza Libretto and Cava.

At Libretto, a restaurant somewhat similar to the southern Italian pizza joint I work at, local product with faithful Italian preparation is the focus.  We got there right as it opened and within 15 minutes, it was packed to the gills with a wait.  Wants to be the A16 of Toronto and misses but still puts out decent vittles.  Celebrity sighting:  saw Enrico Colantini, said 'hi', he thought he knew me, gave an enthusiastic 'hi' back and I promptly walked away.

Cava similarly sources nearly everything locally and goes for modern Spanish tapas.  Lots of house-made charcuterie, loads of modern takes on traditional tapas and a decent little wine list.  Quality stuff.

Which brings us to wine in Canada.  The state runs the ENTIRE alcohol racket.  Wine can only be bought in state-run stores and selection is downright laughable.  I won't bore you with the details but for context, Utah is the only state here that does such crap.  I have no idea how Canadians could find any lasting degree of pleasure from wine with that selection shoved their way.  And if I heard one more person try to shove Canadian wine down my throat, I was going to punch somebody.

Also, as if the government issued a memorandum, nearly every person we asked extolled the virtues of the liquor board being the largest wine buyer in the world.  Prices weren't terrible in the retail stores as they were pretty much along the lines of U.S. prices with a few howling exceptions.

But the prices in restaurants are through the stratosphere.  In the U.S., with so much selection, restaurants have to keep markup about 2 1/2 to three times retail.  Heck, approach three times retail across the entire list and you're getting screwed.  And you know this because you see prices in stores.  

In Canada, wine lists in restaurants are 3 to 3 1/2 times retail what they sell for in the U.S.  In one case, a moderately rare Portuguese wine that I could still get over the Internet rather easily was selling for five times retail.

Anyway.  Toronto's a fine city.  But the next time I bitch about the annoying aspects of living in Chicago, I have something to check myself.  A bit of rudeness, unpredictability, loud talkers, terrible drivers, unwarranted aggressiveness and pretentious assholes now have some context.  In a way, it's part of a city having a pulse.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Mancow Waterboarded

He lasts about 5 seconds. Kind of speaks for itself.


We will be doing our first installment of "Message Board Moronocy" after the holiday.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

For All the Asshole Michael Vick Defenders

It's only dogs, right?
Well, here's 40 things that my (or any) dog has never done. I could've gone to 1,000. Seriously.

Thrown a baby out of a car
Talked on his motherfucking cell phone at a movie theater during the movie
Played his shit ass music at 4 in the morning loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear it
Smoked a cigarette in the middle of a crowded room
Ran into my car and drove away
Got drunk and hit his wife or kid
Broke into a home and raped someone at knife point
Started a war where thousands of people are killed due to made up, bullshit intelligence
Flown an airplane into a building
Complained about how her food was prepared
Created reality tv
Water boarded someone
Called someone “Nigger”, “Fag” or “Spick
Showed up an hour late and acted like nothing was wrong
Called someone who lost their home a “loser”
Let their dumb ass kids play catch three feet from my car
Threw a beer in my face
Got into a fistfight over a football game
Killed a wild animal for the hell of it
Price gouged gasoline
Passed a law that said it was ok to abuse your wife
Took up an entire aisle at the grocery store by stopping and standing in the middle of it
Plowed a forest preserve to put up another fucking golf course
Judged me for being overweight
Judged me for being bald
Judged me AT ALL
Fired me for telling my opinion
Hired me then told me they didn’t
Stiffed me out of a security deposit
Took a gun into a school and shot people
Takes a shit in the toilet and doesn’t flush (They have the decency to crap in the yard)
Tailgated me on the highway
Bragged about anything
Took my parking space even though I sat there waiting for the person to pull out
Stood me up
Overcharged me
Dunked my head in water
Shocked my testicles
Hung me from a tree
Put me in a ring to fight to the death for his amusement

I've always said I'd rather spend time with a dog than 90% of the people I meet. I'm standing by that.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Fish In A Barrel

A new feature to the BRE!

"Message Board Moronocy": Christo and I have been talking about doing this for awhile now but a recent revisit to the Iowa Football message board has made me have an absolute need to start it. Every week we will scour the message board wasteland and find the 10 most insipid and jaw droppingly stupid things posted.

Inaugural installment tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Crazy Week

Back tomorrow. Sox are awful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My Attempt At Observational Humor

I was perfectly capable of taking a life this morning on the highway. It's rain, people. We don't have wagons anymore. Our tires will be just fine. Jesus, it was like the highway was filled with 85 year old Vietnamese women. Yeah, I said it!
There are certain things that a man can't do and look masculine no matter how hard they try. I've compiled a list.

Throw Change Into a Toll: This doesn't really happen as much as it used to with I Pass and all. But you can never get the arm to fully rotate and you end up aiming it and looking like Frank Burns throwing a baseball.

Hold a Purse: I know. This has been done to death by lame stand ups but it's true. When my wife hands me her purse to hold while she does something she might as well hand me plutonium.

Run From a Bee: I know this because I am deathly afraid of them. I've never been stung in my life so I guess my strategy of running away like a little girl works. Not only do you look like an idiot, you also seem laughably effeminate.

Wear An Apron: I know it's necessary when you cook sometimes but you look like a douche.

Drink From a Straw: The old Dana Carvey bit. I'm sorry but sucking on anything is just sort of odd. And, please, don't take that as a homophobic statement. It just looks weak. Your cheeks dimple and you have to hold the glass at a delicate angle. Not flattering.

Pick Up Dog Poop: You bend down gingerly, stay as far away from it as possible and scoop it up in a weak attempt with a disgusted look on your face. It's horrible on 5,000 levels. Yet you gotta do it. Unless you're a hillbilly, then all bets are off! At least in my neighborhood. Too much work for the shirtless.

Hold an Umbrella: It's the way you have to hold it. Usually with three fingers and you end up jumping over a puddle (which in and of itself should be on the list) or losing it in the wind.

Oh, and Jazz Hands.

I hope Christo posts what he said he was going to but I gotta say I haven't seen this much front running in a city since Kenyans started taking over marathons. I'm talking about the Blackhawks.
This is not a dig at legitimate hockey fans I know (Snrub, a guy I work with and...umm..uh..a few others) but I'm hearing folks who didn't even know the Blackhawks existed anymore, talking like they've been die hards for decades.
Come on.
It happens in all sports and all cities I know but it's a tad ridiculous here in Chicago. The Score devoted the entire day to it yesterday and only Boers and Bernstein had the balls to admit they know nothing about hockey.
I'm not telling folks to not enjoy it (I catch a little bit of each game myself) but let's stop pretending we know anything resembling more than surface level knowledge of the game. Like me. I'm fairly certain the puck needs to get in the net and that counts as a "goal".

And Zach Zaidman is officially the most annoyingly smug for some reason personality in radio. What an arrogant little prick. He's the Bears sideline radio reporter, y'know? Gee. Wow.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tuesday Items Of Minor Importance

Larry King Tweet Of The Week
my boys won their little league game today 7-3 this means they're headed to the playoffs! they start wed & I am thrilled!

Let's Review

Last week, Todd Stroger said this:
“My first step is talk to the other elected officials, the treasurer, the sheriff and see what’s on their mind,” he said. “Why do an exercise in fertility (sic) if they don’t really care about what happens. If they don’t think they need the money, then say nothing and let it happen.”
This week, he vehemently said this:
Stroger added that he has the votes on the County Board to sustain his veto.

He singled out County Board commissioners Tony Peraica and Forrest Claypool for using outdated and misleading figures on the efficiency of the county health system and complaining about patronage hires. He repeatedly challenged reporters to check the truth of their statements.

"That's what they call politics. ... What have they proven?" he asked.
Putting any comments from Stroger about playing politics aside, he's now officially wandering into Blago/Rosto territory.  "WHAT HAVE THEY PROVEN!!??"

Never a particularly sharp man off the cuff (See:  "exercise in fertility"), this is a man wading in guilty waters.  And don't underestimate the juxtaposition of Peraica and Claypool here.  Two completely different beasts.  Peraica is the political equivalent of Alan Keyes while Claypool is probably the last chance Chicago has to elect a politician with integrity for the next ten years.  

If Peraica can get within 10 points of beating Stroger, there's no reason Claypool can't beat Stroger.  He's polling even in the city and destroying Stroger in the suburbs. 

The election is less than a year away, people.  Let's do this.

Let's Run The Numbers

Whenever the housing market drops, let alone the historic drop we're currently living through, stories always come out comparing "Buying vs. Renting."

Situations are different for everybody, of course.  I remember Mr. Snrub saying something to me in the first week or two after we moved to Chicago.  

It was something along the lines of "After five or six years of living in the city, you'll definitely know if you will be leaving very soon or staying forever."

And that pretty much held up for us.  We've surveyed the land, contemplated our options and feel pretty good in saying we like the city.  In fact, we probably love it, mostly because we've found a way to live in the city without dealing with much of the crap that comes with living in the city.

So the next question comes.  Do we publicly pronounce our love and buy a house.  Financially, we aren't hurting.  It would take a year or two in order to make it a comfortable enough transition into the city mortgage world but it's infinitely doable. 

But let's run some numbers courtesy of Yahoo's cute little comparison calculator.

It's simplistic but detailed enough to correspond with all the other numbers I've attempted to crunch over the last five years.

Let's say I want to buy a $300,000 house/condo/townhouse in the city at 5% (gift) over 30 years.  We'll put the annual average appreciation rate at 2% (gift) given the current market and historical averages. 

Property taxes, especially in the city, is an infinitely complicated business but we'll put it at $5000 (gift given how much things have increased in the city over the last two decades). 

And as another gift, we'll assume we'd put down 20% right off the bat to avoid PMI.

And (and) as another gift, we'll assume no major renovations will be done, putting maintenance costs at $1200 a year ($100 a month) and no even talk about condo fees, insurances and things of that ilk by assuming it all equals out with mortgage interest tax deduction (about $3000 in this example).  

We have a $1000 monthly rent payment and we'll assume that goes up 3% a year (exactly what it has in the six years we've been here).

Answer:  In 30 years, I will have LOST $148,672, or about $5000 a year.

Let's run those same numbers on a $200,000 home with 20% down, 5% interest, 2% appreciation and everything else.  

And let's see where we would be after just FIVE years.

By buying, we would MAKE $8,330 total in five years.  Remodel the bathroom and that's gone.

In short, I think we're good right now.  

BRE Summer Movie Preview

Before I start: Man, the Sox are just...awful...

Ok, Summer is usually a time where I actually go to a movie theater and see a few movies instead of just waiting the two months to watch it at home and not have to deal with whisperers, cell phones and people eating fucking nachos.

So, here are my one sentence (or more) snarky comments about the parade of tripe Hollywood throws out every June through Labor Day.

Angels and Demons: Who is clamoring for this? I thought DaVinci Code sucked. And, no, I didn't read the book. But it does have Tom Hanks in it again. So, you know, you can at least reminisce about "Cast Away" or something.

Terminator Salvation: Well even before Christian Bale's hissy fit I wasn't interested. How many incarnations of "Terminator" do we need?

Night at the Museum 2: The first one somehow made a buttload of money despite being atrocious. So will this one. And, I'll ignore it. Side note: When did Ben Stiller start to look like a chick?

Up: I actually want to see this but it'll be a rental. Won't sit in a theater with a bunch of kids. Recipe for disaster.

Land of the Lost: Not sure. I used to watch the Saturday morning show. Probably a rental.

Taking of Pelham 123: Meh.

Year One: Michael Cera plays the same character he always does. It's funny in "Arrested Developement"... Jack Black still owes me 7 bucks for "Please Be Kind Rewind"...

Transformers 2: I can say without fear of hyperbole that Michael Bay is the Antichrist.

Ice Age: Dawn of Dinosaurs: Don't have kids. Don't care.

Public Enemies: This is the one movie I'll probably drag my ass to the local AMC for.

Bruno: This is probably gonna be very funny. But I'm thinking DVD. I went to "Borat" in the theater and it was full of dopey teenagers.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: Still haven't seen one of them. Streak will continue.

G Force: Animated. See "Up"..

GI Joe: Rise of COBRA: I would've been all over this....25 years ago. Y'know..when I was 11!

Inglorious Bastards: I'll most likely see it but I think I'm the only person on the planet that hated "Kill Bill". But it looks good.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mate's Monday Musings

Anytime they want to stop showing the White Castle ad with the stripping Pig Mascot will be just fine with me. I didn't think anything could make my stomach churn more than actually eating White Castle but they managed to do it.
I did something Friday night I've never done: I rooted against the White Sox. Well, at least against one of their players: Jose Contreras. Seriously, getting him out of the rotation is necessary. He's BRU-TAL. OK, he worked his way back from a devastating injury quickly (paging MLB Urine Doctor!) and seems like a pretty good teammate. But, he's done. I don't know who will replace him in the 4 spot of the rotation but he can't be any worse. It was horrible to watch. There were pitches that I or Christo could hit. Today. I know people say that all the time but, seriously, not hard to hit.
All that said, way to make the incredibly mediocre Rangers pitching staff look like the mid 90s Braves, guys. 2 hits? Really? Off Padilla? 2?
And take a look at who I met yesterday!

In case you don't know. He's responsible for this. And this. And this. And about 2,000 other brilliant things. And is one sixth of the greatest comedy team of all freaking time. That's all.
Please forgive the dopey, shit eating grin on my face.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Insert Hands Over Eyes Now...

For some really awkward tv, check this out. Apparently this guy never heard a Cleveland joke before...Wow.

Oh, God. This Is Just Great....

Via Deadspin:

Ok, Jose. We get it. You were right about steroids. You're still a grade A douchebag.

Looks like ol' Jose called a news conference and ONE guy showed up! It's times like these I am sure of the existence of God!

Friday Fatuousness -Drew Peterson-Free Edition

Take It Easy, Charlie.  ESPN Is Here To Help

If it's ESPN's mission to slobber all over the usual johnsons until even the criticism seems trite and tiresome, well then...mission accomplished.

Even writing this feels laborious but it should be pointed out that next week, College Football Live (apparently it's a year-round show now) will be dedicated...exclusively...to Notre Dame.

The schedule from Marc Morehouse's On Iowa Blog (really the only Iowa blog worth anything - fewer midget, penis, pubic hair and Paterno jokes):

The schedule of Notre Dame-specific topics and guests for May 11-15:
Monday, May 11

• A discussion on what Notre Dame needs to do to return to prominence and a BCS bowl; George Smith’s conversation with Weis and guard Eric Olsen as guest

Tuesday, May 12

• A breakdown of the offense, an in-depth look at the depth chart and players to watch this season; with assistant coach Corwin Brown as guest

Wednesday, May 13

• A breakdown of the defense, an in-depth look at the depth chart and players to watch this season; with safety Kyle McCarthy as guest

Thursday, May 14

• A discussion on impact players who must step up to get Notre Dame back to a BCS bowl; with linebacker Brian Smith as guest

Friday, May 15

• What to expect this season, and a game-by-game breakdown of the schedule with a season-record prediction; with Jimmy Clausen as guest
What?  No Notre Dame player movie reviews?  How will I find out what Jimmy Clausen thinks of Star Trek?

Could be fun to see where and how they work in Brett Favre, though, so set your TiVos.


What sport's playoff ratings are roughly half of the audience for pro bowling?

The NHL.

From the USA Today via B&B Blog:
Versus, paying about $70 million in annual NHL rights fees and in its fourth season of covering the league, this year drew its best regular-season ratings and, so far, its best playoff ratings. Its regular-season games averaged 236,000 households — about 0.3% of the households Versus reaches. It's averaging about 374,000 households — 0.5% — in the playoffs.

Still Versus hasn't sold everybody. Paul Kelly, NHL Players Association executive director, has said veteran players "long for the days when you could find hockey on ESPN."

Versus, which outbid ESPN for the NHL, is in about 75 million households. ESPN is in 98 million. Compared to ESPN's last NHL season — 2003-04 — Versus' household average for regular season games this season is down about 43%. And compared to this point in ESPN's last playoffs, Versus current playoff households are down about 35%.

And consider other sports on ESPN whose average household ratings top Versus' current NHL playoff avera
ge: The College World Series (1.1 million households), pro bowling (672,000 households) and Little League World Series (582,000 households).
Ugh.  I don't watch hockey.  Don't hate it.  Just don't really care.  I'm no expert but how did the NHL, after a horrendously debilitating strike, allow their main TV carrier come from the cable tier nobody can find.  Really.  It's next to the satellite interactive horse-racing channel in my world (Yes, you can bet on horses from your couch - bet there's no problem with that).

Inter Alia

The Newsroom is now available on Amazon for $22.  32 episodes - $22.  It's a top-10 TV show in my world.  

Phil Rogers says the NL should adopt the DH...and uses the same arguments he rejected so viciously against the World Baseball Classic to do so.

Larry King Tweet Of The Week:  One of my favorites foods is peanut butter (21 hours ago)

Friday Isn't For Thinking

Can someone get Scott Boras a first class ticket out of here, please? Aren't agents supposed to tell their players "don't be stupid"...What a schmuck.
I will say this: Aren't 'roids supposed to make you more energetic and increase stamina? Manny is quite possibly the laziest player I've ever seen. I'm not shocked that he tested positive for something but I was convinced it was gonna be reefer. The guy looks like the big love able, yet completely clueless stoner who owned the house everybody partied at in college.
Thank God for Mark Buehrle. Now, we get to wash that refreshing taste out of our mouth to watch Jose Contreras trip over his dick tonight. But you know what? He'll probably pitch well. He always does this. Just when you think (and are hoping in a way) one more sub par performance gets him out of the rotation, he pulls a decent outing out of his ass. Then he goes back to being a pile of dung.
I kinda want to see the new "Star Trek" but I just don't get all into "event" movies anymore. If I get to the theater (movie) it's gotta be for something I really want to see. I can't take the audiences anymore. Yes, I'm old. But dammit, it's who I am.
Please stop giving Valerie Bertenelli so much fucking credit for losing all the weight!
Hey, I'm not knocking it. She seems like she worked hard and is a nice person. Good job. But Valerie is a multi millionaire ex-wife of a rock star who doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to . She has time to be at the gym 3 hours a day, can afford a nutritionist and a personal trainer.
If I had the ability for all that, I'd be svelte too. But if I want to go to the gym I have two options: 4:30 in the morning or AFTER work. I'm not making excuses. I should go. I know. But at the end of the day (and a nice energy sapping hour and ten minute commute) I'm freaking exhausted. And 4:30 in the morning just ain't happenin'. I know myself too well.
And some of the folks who have lost a lot of weight are more exhaustively smug then people who quit smoking.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Update on Manny

Personal problem?  That did sound suspicious.

Yahoo is reporting he tested positive for...a sexual enhancer?

Not steroids or HGH.

Oh, dear.  I think I would have said, "Steroids!  Yes, it was steroids!  That'll do!"

Harlem Nights?

This happened a few weeks ago but I haven't got around to blogging about it.

I was sitting at McDonald's for Lunch and decided to sit at a booth even though I was alone. Don't care. I need a place to spread the newspaper (I'm one of fifty people who still buys one) and dammit those little single seats aren't big enough! Christo will back me up on that.
Anyway, I paid little attention to the 3 people in the booth in front of me as I passed them and sat down. Then it started. It was 2 guys and a woman. Well, when I say "woman" I mean I'm fairly certain she has a vagina. You couldn't tell by the mouth she had on her.
I'm no prude. I can let the expletives fly with the best of them. Hell, this blog is full of f bombs. But at a fast food restaurant in the middle of the day? I try to keep it on the down low. Every other word was either "fuck", "bitch" or "shit"...all within 3 feet of a guy and his maybe 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter. Quite rightly the dad, after about five minutes, said "Hey, guys. You mind?". And the booth idiots pulled the old "Oh, man. Sorry. We didn't realize..." blah blah blah. Not 20 seconds later it starts up again! The dad, not wanting to make a scene, gets up and leaves. I amost say something but realize this could make an outstanding story.
I suddenly realize that they are all drunk! This is at Noon on a Wednesday! And they weren't college kids. So, no quarter. They were in their 30s. So, sorry. I know there are people that(Christo included) work different schedules and Wednesday is a weekend day for some but, no. Grow up.
But even if it is, McDonald's? Wednesday? Noon? Really?
Anyway, the main point is I didn't know what they looked like. I'm dying to know. At this point, the guy starts referencing "Harlem Nights"!! As in "Do you remember that scene in 'Harlem Nights'?" while holding back laughter! I mouth to myself, "Harlem Nights"??!!" Christo and Mate rented that one in high school and were bewildered by the unfunny. This is at an age where we rented "Faces of Death" 1 through 20 and "Waxwork " on a regular basis. So, it wasn't exaclty tough to entertain us.
But who remembers anything from that movie?! Other than the dissapointment of somehow making a Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy movie excruciatingly humorless.
I am completely convinced the guys have to look the way I picture it. Short, black hair, dopey smile and some sort of ironic t-shirt. The woman: short, out of date hair style with a really awful looking blouse.
They get up....DING!!! I am right..on..the..money. I've never been more spot on in my life. The one guy is wearing a "Mustache Rides" t-shirt. (Yep) The other dufus is sporting a "Beer: It Makes Life Worth Living" or some such saying on his shirt. And the woman I wouldn't fuck with Bea Arthur's dick. See, I can be crude, too.
Wanna idea of what the guys looked like? A more slack jawed version of this guy. The woman? This.

On top of all this, the bun for my cheeseburger was stale.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Another Long National Nightmare Is Over

The final, irrefutable, incontrovertible, indisputably last episode was last night.

There is no more...ever.

The sky is brighter, life is fresher.

For all the bad news in the world right now, know that Zach Braff, as a 34 year-old guy, has a gorgeous uphill climb to ever thrust crap like Garden State and Scrubs on us again.

It's not all bad out there, people.


An Update

I should be back on the horse by tomorrow.

But in the meantime, since the Republican Party's "listening tour" is coming up and everybody knows they're just going to bastardize the libertarian philosophy in their reincarnation, I offer this:

Oh yeah, Joe the Plumber doesn't like "queers" either.


Thank God I Watched That Rerun of M*A*S*H Instead...

And you wonder why I go on "Soxcation" once a year?

Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm gonna be looking for preseason football mags a little sooner this year. I know it's May 6th but that's some bad baseball. Bad. I turned it over and saw it was 5-1 and Floyd gives up a fucking BOMB I went to myself, "They'll lose." I've seen this movie before.
And I was right.

BTW, can we hold off on the blowing of the Royals please? It's May 6th. Improved? Yes. That much? Let's wait and see.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dom DeLuise R.I.P

And..watch me, faggots!**

** Relax. It's the line from the movie...

Mate's Musings (Tuesday)

Every year I go through what I like to call "Soxcation". By that, I mean the inevitable period where the Sox go through a slump that is absolutely energy sapping to watch. For instance, the last 3 nights in Texas and Kansas City. Excruciating. The Sox (like the Angels) are one Carlos Quentin injury away from having a AAA lineup. And it's unbearable to watch. So, like every other year, I am abstaining from White Sox baseball for a few days just to reset the batteries.

One of the advantages of buying a dog in the Winter is you really get to discover how truly goofy your dog is when the weather turns warm.

For instance, I have discovered that my 8 month old puppy is afraid of the following things:
Big wheels
Wheel Barrows
Ipod Headsets (yep)
Running Children (I'm with her on that one)
Vaccums (universal I think)
Leaf Blowers
Open umbrellas
She also has ate/put in her mouth the following things ate some point
A dead sparrow
cigarette butts
Astro Turf

But she leaves pine cones alone. So we got that going for us.
Went to small claims court yesterday (long story--suing someone) and all I will say is that you can see how Todd Stroger and Dick Daley keep getting elected when you see the clusterfuck that is the Cook County Court House. Jesus.

And isn't Jack Kemp dieing just a perfect symbol of the Republican party right now? I'll write more on this tonight or tomorrow but it can't be more fitting to have the one guy that made ME vote Republican (and many moderate to liberal people) with his views on poverty and economic empowerment through conservative principles (TRUE conservative principles) and not giving a rat's ass about the Bat Shit Wingers stuff. Guess what, he's dead. And so is the Republican party's ability to attract the people Jack Kemp was able to bring in. Now it belongs to Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh and that nutbag in Minnesota.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Isn't For Thinking

It’s May 1st and what have we learned about the Chicago baseball teams:

1. The White Sox are slightly above average.
2. The Cubs are overrated.

Yep. Pretty much what we expected. Moving on.
Boy that faux populist, angry White Man Tea Party really changed things didn’t it? Talk about a fart in the wind.
That group is becoming the crazy Aunt we roll out at Thanksgiving and hope to god she doesn’t say or do something offensive at the table.
And just so you know, the Democrats are poised to gain even more seats in 2010. And the Republicans are in danger of more defections, therefore, rendering them a regional, fringe party of Southerners, Sean Hannity sycophants and Idiot Governors.
What’s that sound? It’s the ‘Big Tent’ collapsing into the river.
So the Bulls won a thriller last night and all of the sports guys are talking about how “tired” the Celtics are gonna be Saturday. I don’t buy it. This is one of those bullshit sports theories that continually get belched out yet is complete and utter myth. These aren’t 45 year old guys who ran a marathon. These are 25-30 year old guys who are professional athletes. I’m quite sure they’ll be fine with a full day off.
And I’ll bet anything Kevin Garnett plays Saturday. It’s NBA Theatrics at it’s best. Contrived in the league office or not.
Am I the only one not buying Michael Vick’s “remorse”? This guy is only saying the right things because he wants his lavish lifestyle back. And this isn’t a “second” chance, Tony Dungy. The guys a two time felon before this! If he really wanted to show remorse here’s 3 things he could do:

1. Give 25% of his future earnings to charities that help one of the following: abused animals, gambling addicts or drug abusers. Mike’s been all three!
2. Volunteer during the off season at a rehab facility for ex cons and/or gambling addicts.
3. Live in a low cost house and drive an economy car. Then it’ll show me it’s truly about “the love of the game” and not a play to get his shiny toys back.

Somehow, I find the chances of any of these being done as slim.