Friday, February 27, 2009
2) Charlie Weiss vs. 15) SEC Fawning On ESPN
A sports themed match up with two things that irritate me in only slightly different ways. You see they are both the creation of the media. Charlie Weiss is the most arrogant for no reason fat fuck walking the planet. You can see it through the tv as clear as the nose on your face. Why? Because he was the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots when they won the Super Bowl. Umm, I could've DONE THAT! "A schematic advantage." What a fuck bag. My hatred of Notre Dame has sort of wained over the years. I'm sort of indifferent now but I can still hate their coach with a passion.
SEC fawning is nothing new to the WWL. Before I go any further I need to say that I'm not one of these Meatball fans that think there is some inherent bias against my team or league (the Big 10--hey, 1-6 in bowls? You deserve it, suckers) but the love for the SEC on ESPN borders on embarrassing and erotic. And the SEC is boring. Yes, I said it. Boring. Don't care. It's the South. Alabama? Auburn? Kentucky? You know why ESPN wants to blow these schools? Because the SEC fan base has created a self fulfilling prophecy (or Marriotti Rule)--if you keep saying it over and over it must be true.
But Charlie Weiss is no match for something that is, at best, annoying. Charlie's just awful. And that wins in the T of A. Weiss pulls away in the last 5 minutes for a 74-69 win.
4) Painting vs. 13) Midas
I'm gonna make this one quick: Painting got screwed in the seeding. It should've been a #1. It's a weekend ruining/dirty/fight inducing/crummy/smelly way to spend time. I'd rather stab myself in the neck with a cork screw than do this.
Midas is on there for ripping me off three times. Maybe I should be on this list for being stupid enough to go back. 600 bucks for a muffler? 300 dollars for labor when i can see you assholes standing around smoking? There's a big fucking window right by the waiting room, dumbass!
But painting is gonna cruise in this one, 90-56. Not even close.
R.I.P. - Johnny "Red" Kerr and Norm "Whoa, Baby" Van Lier.
2) High Fructose Corn Syrup Ads vs. 15) Fading Revelence Of Sports Blogs
2) Pointless Nostalgia vs. 15) Pretzels
I've railed on the biggest perpetrator of this many times. That being the generation I belong to: Generation X. We were nostalgic for shit that JUST HAPPENED. Seriously. There needs to be a 10 year minimum on pining when you are under the age of 50. And what do people get nostalgic over? Mostly bullshit like tv theme songs and baseball jerseys. '80s music is another big one. Know something? It sucked. And it still sucks.
Pretzels are just boring. I have never, ever craved anything pretzel based in my life. They're always just kinda there. In a bowl. Yet every bar and/or get together pretzels make an appearance. They look like salt covered dog turds. Taste like stale bread. Good stuff. I don't count the big breaded pretzels you get at a ball game. Them's good. But bar pretzels?! Come on.
Pointless Nostalgia has got more comin it's way and has a pretty good chance of a Final 4 appearance. They cruise 93-69.
4) Black Coffee vs. 13) NFL NetworkI have recently become a fairly regular coffee drinker. In the Winter. I don't drink it in the Summer. Hot drinks in hot weather? What's the point? But I am a mild fan of coffee when it's got cream and sugar. I know this somehow makes me a coffee wuss, if there is such a thing, but I don't care. But black? Barf inducing. And you literally have to pop 20 Altoids to get the mucky tar like breath under control this stuff gives you. And it tastes like dog ass. I think people like it this way because they're too lazy to bother with the sugar and cream.
NFL Network is a fine channel production wise. By that I mean it looks good. But it's a polished turd. First off, good luck finding it if you have cable. A short sighted dippy idea that Bud Selig has somehow bettered with his not at all bad MLB Network. I have watched officially 4 and a half hours of this channel and 4 of that is because the Chiefs played a game on it once. And I had to go to a fucking bar to see it. Between this and the Big Ten Network you wonder if there will be any fans left in 5 years. Nice job, NFL.
NFL Network's run up the Pole of Awful is too much to stave off and they pull the upset with some stingy defense. 54-53 thriller.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
No vehicle reeks of 90s excess more than the Ford Explorer. It was the SUV that made SUVs popular. Poorly built, unnecessarily bulky, terrible gas mileage and it catered to people who bought into the auto industry propaganda that "people should feel safe in their cars...so buy a tank."
8) Expressway Constant Lane Changers/Shoulder Drivers vs. 9) Bullshit Holidays
The shoulder drivers are the most universally despised motorists on the planet. If you are on of these assbags please do us a favor and kill yourself right now. You know who you are. Just do it. Get a gun.
Bullshit holidays is more along the lines of holidays that need to decide whether or not they are a holiday. Columbus Day? Presidents Day? Pulaski Day? Are you or aren't ya? Seriously, what the fuck is Pulaski Day?
Treadmills. What the fuck? Just go for a walk. At least you'll get some fresh air and actually get to see something besides the ass of some guy named Bill whose had way too many things ham flavored. You ever been on one of these? It's more mentally exhausting than anything. All complete with a scoreboard to slowly torture you into realizing you still have 19 fucking minutes to go before you burn anything worthwhile. Plus they're loud.
STDAT is quite possibly the most torturous experience I've had in the last 12 years. And that included sitting through "Twister"...I somehow was convinced by the wife to go to the outlet mall on Black Friday (isn't that cute?) and could not have been more uncomfortable or instantly agitated in my life. After ten minutes of standing in the middle of some monstrosity known as the Banana Republic and getting bumped into by the 25th douchebag who didn't say 'excuse me' or 'sorry' ,I was perfectly capable of taking a human life while running amok. God, just thinking about that night is giving me hives.
Chicago Olympic Bid Region
8) Pro Bowl vs. 9) NBA All-Star Game
Another tough matchup. I take the two boringest games of a group that is inherently boring: All Star games. I almost went with the MLB All-Star game's dopey Bud Selig led idea of determining home field advantage in the game but World Baseball Classic is already in and slightly more dopey. So, we could actually give Bud Selig his own region.
Anyway, the Pro Bowl is something i can honestly say I've never watched for more than 3 minutes. But I know it's there. Played in Hawaii AFTER the season by guys who are essentially trying not to get hurt and collect a check. A week after the Super Bowl. Huh? I have never met one person who has ever said anything remotely close to showing interest in this game. Yet there it is. Every year.
The NBA All-Star game is a game played by star athletes whose amazing feats are sometimes awe inspiring. Know what? Yawn. I so don't care about the NBA and anything to do with it that it barely registers above poker. And whatever small portion of what I see on these things I get confused. Is it a basketball game or a fucking Las Vegas Convention For Hipsters? And the game gets approximately 3 seconds of defense played along with 2142 dunks. After the 343rd you've seen 'em all.
NBA All-Star game wins because I actually enjoy the NFL. Just not it's all star game. NBA wins rather handily with a nice 54% 3 point percentage. Of course, there's no defense, 111-101.OK, January has an advantage because we're not so far removed from it's awfulness. Cold, dark at 4:30, and absolutely NOTHING going for it with holidays or anything. Yeah, you have the NFL Playoffs and some college bowl games but the rest of it is filled up with basketball. Meh. It's the worst month in the worst part of the year: Winter.
Public swimming pools are the most unpleasant things about childhood. Even as a 11 year old when your tolerance level for things is pretty high, I hated these things. You end up getting one itty bitty corner of the pool where it quickly becomes rote. There's only so many times one can dunk their head under water and see how long they can go. And the serpentine going around the slide or diving board takes a 2 hour commitment. I didn't have the time. And I certainly don't now.
First upset: Public Swimming Pools pulls off a shocker as January goes inexplicably cold in the second half. PSP pull out a 67-65 win on a running hook with 2 seconds left.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
After the last Phil Watch began to take on Proustian proportions, a decision was made in the satellite offices of the Big Red Egg on Chicago's North Side.
Four million snuggies have been sold so far.
Ford Explorer Region
5) Text Messaging vs. 12) Bisexuality
Even though Dennis Miller has been recently chastised (rightfully) on this blog, he used to be pretty funny. To paraphrase, "I think we can all agree that bisexuals are just greedy motherfuckers. I don't care what hole you pick but PICK ONE!"..I, personally, feel that bisexuality is complete and utter bullshit. You are either Hetero or Homo sexual. Period. If you consider yourself "bisexual" you are either a) gay or b) gay and in denial or c) trying to shock people. Call me whatever you want but I call bullshit on bisexuality. Pick a fucking lane.
Text messaging is just the worst fucking invention since New Coke. I can't possibly put into words how much i hate this shit. Between the cutesy pie acronyms or the idiot trying to do it WHILE DRIVING, i don't know who to hit first. A good barometer: If it's something teens do on a regular basis then it's almost always awful. Remember the good ol' days when we didn't have to be in constant fucking contact with one another?!
So GFYDB.*Text messaging wins in surprisingly comfortable fashion with a 10-0 run to start the 2nd half en route to a 80-70 win.
*(Go fuck yourself, douche bag)
7) Fudge vs. 10) Those Orange Circus Peanuts
Fudge is the one dessert that is entirely enjoyed by one demographic: old women. It's hard to eat, messy (yep) and leaves a taste in your mouth that lingers for hours. I even want to drink milk after it. It's that bad. And when it has nuts in it?! Oh, the awfulness. More on fudge later as it's going to cruise in this matchup.
Because I can't remember the last time I ate a circus peanut. But as a testament to its awfulness I can remember exactly what it tasted like: Cardboard. Yet I still see them at every 7-11 or gas station I enter. Someone is buying them. I almost didn't include them due to their close relation to previous T of A participant Peeps. Just avoid orange food altogether to be safe.
Fudge is all the rage in this tourney and the hot hand continues after their 14 game win streak to end the regular season seeps into the Tourney. 87-69 winners. Over at half.
Before we start, please read this. It's absolutely spot on.
Chicago Olympic Bid Region
5) Yard Work vs. 12) Nutella
Yard work hearkens back to the care free days of youth. That Saturday in April when the leaves turn green and the smell of growing grass has permeated through the five months of Hell that is a Midwestern winter. You decide to open a window and let the fresh air in. Maybe you'll sleep in a bit. Oh, wait. What's that clanging? Oh, God the storage shed door is opening. FUCK! Mom's getting the wheel barrow out and hedge trimmers! Here it comes, "Mate! Get up! We've got work to do!"....Christo can relate. It's the mix of mulch (a T of A original participant), early morning dew and mud. Never...ever..fun..in...any..way.
Nutella is something I've had exactly ONCE in my life. Normally I would've chalked it up to a bad experience and moved on. But the minute I told a few people that I did, indeed, find it repulsive I was met with a level of disdain usually reserved for Nazi Youth. It is HORSE SHIT. Tastes like that chocolate they stuff in a Hostess pie mixed with some sort of cashew or walnut. All with a texture of pine tar. Mmmmmmmmmmm....But it's no contest. Yard Work stays around for all eternity. There's always SOMETHING to do. Nutella can be ignored. Yard Work never trails and cruises to a 69-54 victory.
Well, well, well. A late entry into the T of A. The minute this insane rant of spoiled rotten movie star going off on some poor schmuck on the set of the mildly anticipated "Terminator 4" you could set your watch to the dickfaces that were going to defend this asshole. I was waiting for the words "passionate" (check), "workaholic" (Check) and "Method acting" (Check)...The only profession that could possibly get away with behavior like this and the only industry that would tolerate it. Period. Fuckbags.
Little Rock is in due to one LOOOONG night in 2004 when I stayed there. I lost count at 15 sirens, 4 gunshots and 7 Gang bangers walking past my room. Nice town. Plus it's dirty as the bottom of a shoe. And ultra religous. Good combo. Awful but this is no match.
CBA is just too hot right now to be stopped....Too hot. CBA shoots 62% and locks down on with their 1-3-1 zone to win 89-66
Part 2 later....Internet acting up again. Jesus.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
But first, some updates.
The entire Golden Globe experience was a little creepy with the fade-outs to commercials showing Kate talking to other celebrities like she was selling Amway. And the whole draping herself all over DiCaprio and talking about maybe marrying too young was embarrassing to watch. Next time, break the Prozacs in half.
It's subtle racism, taking white guys to unrealistic heights to separate them from the rest. It's about what is said but, more importantly, what is not said and who is not included in the hagiography.
New Science Studies Like "Blowing Your Nose Is Bad For You" is just the latest in a long line of university studies that are conducted by professors who primarily dream of getting a write-up in the New York Times and getting themselves firmly embedded into a 24 hour news cycle.Anyone ever have a wildly irresponsible friend?
You know, the kind of guy who gets drunk and tries to jump off the roof of the apartment just to see if he can do it without breaking his leg.
And this friend on occasion - say every three years or so - asks to borrow your car to see if he can drive to Midway and back in an hour to, you know, just see if can do it.
And every three years or so you have say, "Hell no!"
He counters with "What's going to happen? You can't predict accidents. You could get into an accident tomorrow!"
And you have to sit him down like he's a five year-old and tell him, "That's the difference, little one. It's my car...and I'm driving. If something happens, it's going to be on me, not because I gave the keys to some dope who's bored and wants to prove how big his dick is."
1. Start the season on April 15 and end it on September 15, resulting in a 130 game season.
2. Better yet, start May 1 and end it August 30. The season is way too long.
3. The Steroids Era ruined stats anyway so fuck it.
4. Move the World Series to a neutral, warm-weather site.
5. Like Game 5 this year, one hour and 18 minute games are awesome.
1) Messy Food vs. 16) Rolling Stone Magazine--
This one is over 2 minutes in. Magazines in general are dying but Rolling Stone became irrelevant the minute they posted masturbatory covers for pedophiles. And the writing..Have you flipped through one lately? Calling it sanctimonious is kind.
But I've talked about my disdain for messy food before. Ribs, Fondu, anything that you have to clean up after with more than a napkin is just a complete pain in the ass. It's bad enough the food you eat turns into shit do we really need to make it appear that way before? I see a big tourney for messy food so we'll save more on it for later.
Messy food starts the game with a 15-1 run and never looks back. Rolling Stone looks dazed. Messy food 101-56.
6) Al Pacino's last 10 Years vs. 11) Jimmy John's
Tough one here. One of these got screwed in the seeding. Al Pacino has done some of the best acting I've ever seen and in some of the best movies I've ever seen: Glengarry, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, The Godfather? Come on!
But take a gander at this last decade of garbage:
Heat (2009) (VG) (in production .... Lt. Vincent Hanna
Mary Mother of Christ (2010) (rumored) .... Herod
Righteous Kill (2008) .... David 'Rooster' Fisk
Ocean's Thirteen (2007) .... Willy Bank ... aka 13 (USA: promotional abbreviation)
88 Minutes (2007) .... Dr. Jack Gramm... aka 88 Minutes (International: English title) (USA: promotional title) ... aka 88 (USA: closing credits title) ... aka 88: 88 Minutes (USA: complete title)
Two for the Money (2005) .... Walter Abrams
The Merchant of Venice (2004) .... Shylock ... aka Mercante di Venezia, Il (Italy) ... aka William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice (USA: complete title)
"Angels in America" .... Roy Cohn (6 episodes, 2003) - Millennium Approaches: Chapter Thre- The Messenger (2003) TV episode .... Roy Cohn
Gigli (2003) .... Starkman
The Recruit (2003) .... Walter Burke
People I Know (2002) .... Eli Wurman ... aka Der Innere Kreis (Germany: video title) ... aka Im inneren Kreis (Germany)
S1m0ne (2002) .... Viktor Taransky
Insomnia (2002/I) .... Detective Will Dormer ... aka Insomnie (Canada: French title)
Chinese Coffee (2000) .... Harry Levine
Any Given Sunday (1999) .... Tony D'Amato
The Insider (1999) .... Lowell Bergman
The Devil's Advocate (1997) .... John Milton
Need I say more?
Jimmy John's is exactly what I said in the comments section of an earlier post:
Music: "Can you play it a TAD louder and at a slightly more obnoxious level please? I can still barely hear my friend talking."
Food: Sub par to fair to middling.
Diagnosis: JJ falls into the "Wolf It For Time" restaurants. You never go there unless it's the ONLY place within a reasonable distance of where you are and you have less than 15 minutes to eat. You never actually go "Hmm..Jimmy John's sounds good. I think I'll make a special trip."
Tough call. Jimmy John's was an underdog favorite coming in but Al Pacino goes over the top with his decade of basically playing a cartoonish version of himself in every movie. And "88 Days"....That alone.
Pacino eeks out a 78-75 win with some big free throws down the stretch..