" That's just the sort of blinkered, Philistine Pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage!"

John Cleese

Monday, March 31, 2008

It's Finally Here

After four long months of enduring nothing but basketball the true sports year begins today.
Opening Day-- Thank God!!
You can have your Oscars, Tonys, Emmys, Grammys, NCAA Tournaments, American Idol Finales, Super Bowls, Dog Shows, Mardi Gras, etc. They're all very nice but this day kicks 'em all in the nuts:
Let's let Mr. Jones say it for us:

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Wildly Silly Baseball Predictions: AL West

Completely off-the-cuff AL West Predictions.

01  Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Short Hit:  Escobar's probably out for the season and Lackey probably won't return until early to mid-May (though he's ahead of schedule right now). Suddenly, the starting rotation becomes an issue. For a team with a glut of pitching a mere two months ago, they now are seriously considering bringing up Nick Adenhart, their best pitching prospect in the minors, to fill the gap - he's only 21 and hasn't pitched above Double-A - and Garland is the opening day starter. Ugh.  The bullpen, after being one of the best in baseball in the last few years, is suddenly a bit shaky.  

But the offense finds ways to score runs, even without much power. They were sixth in runs last year but only 21st in home runs. They're a scrappy bunch.  Torii Hunter helps and Howie Kendrick, if healthy for a whole season, may challenge for a batting title.  Watch the shortstop position.  Erick Aybar and/or Maicer Izturis must at least approach the production of the recently-traded Olrando Cabrera in the two hole for the offense to gel.

Player to Watch:  Ervin Santana.  The new king of Jekyll & Hyde home/road splits, he found a way last year to have 3.27 ERA at home and an 8.38 ERA on the road.  If he returns to his 2006 numbers (and he's only 25), the Angels cruise through the division and win 92 games.  If not, this could get mildly interesting with the Mariners pitching but they still end up winning the division.

02  Seattle Mariners

Short Hit:  I have to admit, they have some pitching, though the rotation is really only filled with three innings eaters, a oft-injured potential ace in Bedard and a young, great pitcher who gives up too many walks and big innings in Felix Hernandez.  The bullpen is suddenly suspect with the trade of George Sherill, though J.J. Putz is only behind Papelbon as the best closer in baseball.

Baseball writers are fawning over the Mariners this year but never seem to mention that this is one terrible offense.  They went 88-74 last year but their Pythagorean W-L was 79-83.  They had one good month.  That's it.  Sure, they added Bedard and Silva but added nothing to the lineup except Brad Wilkerson and lost Jose Guillen. They play more realistic baseball this year and match their 88 wins from last year, even with the pitching additions.

Player to Watch:  Richie Sexson.  He hit .205 last year and became a liability in the lineup, leading to the Wilkerson signing as insurance. If he can approach his output in his first two years with the Mariners, they might be quite respectable.  Not likely, though.

03  Oakland Athletics

Short Hit:  Billy Beane dumped quite a bit in the off-season and is looking to dump even more by the trade deadline.  He got quite a haul for Haren and Swisher but none are ready to go right now. Offensively, this is the definition of terrible, but Barton is intriguing and if Sweeney finds a way to not be, you know, hurt, they might drag themselves up out of terrible and into merely bad. They'll certainly get on base above the league average.  Jack Cust is the new king of TTO.

Rich Harden is one of the best pitchers in baseball when healthy.  The problem is that he rarely is.  According to most reports, this spring is the first in a long time where he's felt good.  We'll see.  But the park caters to pitchers and the rotation with a healthy Harden isn't really awful. With the signing of Foulke (and Sweeney with the Piazza, Loaiza and Thomas signings in recent years), Oakland is beginning the place to resurrect a career.  Not always a good thing.  72 wins is sound, reasoned and rational.

Player to Watch:  Joe Blanton and Huston Street.  Both have been designated trade bait and feelers are already being put out.  If they get out to a fast start and the team doesn't, they will most likely be traded very early in the season.

04  Texas Rangers

Short Hit:  Holy crap, this is going to be a bad team in terms of playing baseball with professional baseball-type playing skills.  Teixeira's gone and their best offensive player last year - inexplicably - Sammy Sosa wasn't resigned.  The only real additions to the offense was potential star Josh Hamilton with Marlon Byrd and Ben Broussard having a modicum amount of upside.  But they added absolutely no pitching.  They secretly made a pitch for Johan Santana but apparently just missed.  This is going to be ugly.  

But hey, the bullpen isn't terrible.  It was fifth in the league last year. Like usual, the Rangers may hang around early but by mid-June, they'll hit their usual skid and lose something like 20 of 26 and end up losing 95 games.

Player to Watch:  Hank Blalock.  Had a great 2004 and hasn't been healthy since.  If he returns to form, Kinsler becomes a 30-30 guy and Hamilton is healthy all season, they may duplicate the 816 runs they put up last year and only lose 88 games.

That's it.  No surprises and actually quite mundane predictions for the AL, a product of the hastiness of it all, I'm sure.

NL Predictions from Christo next weekend.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Wildly Silly Baseball Predictions: AL Central

Completely off-the-cuff AL Central Predictions.

01  Detroit Tigers

Short Hit:  Everyone can shut up about the Tigers now.  Yes.  They have an offense.  We get it.  I still don't think they'll outscore the Yankees. OrdoƱez won't hit .363 again.  Granderson starts the season on the DL.  Sheffield's old.  Does it matter?  No.  

What will matter a little bit is that the pitching looks like a disaster in the making.  Verlander's great.  No question. But Bonderman was absolutely brutal from June through September last year and Kenny Rogers is 43.  Forty-three years old.  Willis' control issues last year have carried over into spring.  The bullpen is downright brutal and Todd Jones brings on heart attacks when he comes in to 'lock it down'.  They.  Have.  Issues.  The Tigers will win the division with 94 wins but it will be close until mid-September.

Player to Watch:  Curtis Granderson.  He's the table-setter.  Out with a broken right finger until mid-to-late April, if the injury shows any signs of affecting his hitting, the Tigers may get out to an underwhelming start.

02  Cleveland Indians

Short Hit:  With the Tigers, everyone is wetting their pants over the Indians, declaring the tandem the reason the AL Central is the best division in baseball. But the Indians have their issues as well. They tied with the Devil Rays last for 14th in the league in hitting with a .268 average and did nothing to improve the offense this year.  Their pitching outside of Sabathia and Carmona is suspect.  

The bullpen found a spot for Jorge Julio.  Enough Said.  And Betancourt will not duplicate this.  Closer?  Joe Borowski.  Blew eight saves last year to go with a 5.07 ERA.  The Indians will win 90 games but no more.

Player to Watch:  Travis Hafner.  Never officially named as being suspected of using, Hafner saw a suspicious (and precipitous) drop in production last year.  If he finds a way back to his 2006 numbers, the Indians will make the Central a race until the last week.

03  Chicago White Sox

Short Hit:  The offseason was more (much more) productive than most people think.  Cabrera adds a bona fide number two hitter and Swisher's versatility in the field and in the lineup was one thing the Sox sorely missed last year.  The bench is deep and everyone's actually healthy to start the season.

But the starting rotation pretty much blows.  If Contreras duplicates August and September of last year and Danks goes .500, they might be fine.  And nothing can be as worse as the bullpen of last year. Linebrink helps a lot but Dotel has to be solid to see any significant improvement.  86 wins is a reasoned and rational expectation.

Player to Watch:  Jerry Owens and Carlos Quentin.  He starts the season on the DL with minor hamstring issues.  If he comes back and turns into a solid leadoff guy that plays everyday, the rest of the lineup falls into place.  Quentin has the potential to pull a Juan Rivera circa 2006. Check out his minor league career with particular attention to his OBP.  

04  Kansas City Royals

Short Hit:  Like the Rays, I want to like the Royals but they're just too light-hitty.  Loaded with a bunch of guys that are good at a couple of things and absolutely atrocious at the rest of baseball-type baseball stuff, the Royals will continue their quest of getting ever-so-gradually better with each year.  It just might take ten years to get to .500. The bullpen wasn't half-bad last year, the rotation is better than previous years and the system is stocked with young arms.

GM Dayton Moore has bet the house on pitching, pitching, pitching with the idea that hitting can be acquired while pitching must be built.  Last year, the team was two games over .500 from June to August.  This year, expect a slight improvement.  76 wins.  

Player to Watch:  Zach Greinke and Ryan Shealy.  Greinke has himself a nice little season last year and expects to be in the starting rotation the whole season this year.  If he becomes a solid third starter, the Royals could ruin a lot of parties.  Shealy was a Minor League God but has ridiculously large holes in his swing.  If he closes up just a few and locks down the first base job, he's the big stick the Royals have been looking for all these years.

05  Minnesota Twins

Short Hit:  Like people who say the U.S. misses Russia as a Great Evil, baseball writers are trying to sell the idea that the Twins will be a surprise team this year simply because they're the Twins. It's bullshit.  They're bad and bad with a side of bad.  Check out this depth chart and tell me how they don't lose 100 games.  But hey, the bullpen should be good.  It's just that the bullpen will be entering the game in the third inning.  This is one bad starting rotation.  Like Orioles bad.

Player to Watch:  Delmon Young and Carlos Gomez.  One bat flip and Young went from the best prospect in baseball to someone with issues not worth the time.  He doesn't walk and doesn't do one or two things particularly great but does a lot of things pretty well.  Gomez will probably steal 60 bases, mainly because the Twins will be out of so many games.  If both develop, the Twins might be two years away with all the pitching prospects received in the Santana swap. 

Wildly Silly Baseball Predictions: AL East

Completely off-the-cuff AL East Predictions

01   Boston Red Sox

Short Hit:  The class of the division and pretty much baseball.  If Lowell and Ellsbury struggle, it could get interesting but they are going to feast on teams outside the division.  I'll be watching Julio Lugo.  If he returns to form, they'll run away with the division. 

Player to Watch:  Clay Buchholz.  He's been handed an opportunity to prove his worth this year with Schilling on the DL. Posted an 11.23 k/9 in his short time in the minors and maintained superior command with a 1.00 WHIP.  If he emerges, the Red Sox duplicate the 96 wins from last year and make a serious run at 100.

02  New York Yankees

Short Hit:  They'll score the most runs in the Majors again this year, a title they absolutely ran away with last year.  Even with Posada returning to Earth, Matsui and Damon are healthy and Cano looks to be the next great second basemen. Everything will hinge on Chamberlain, Kennedy and Hughes.  If even average, the Yankees win 90 games.

Player to Watch:  Phillip Hughes.  The crown jewel of the organization for the last few years, if he even approaches expectations and Pettitte/Mussina maintain their career averages, the Yankees will be just fine.  But someone has to miss out on the Wild Card.

03  Toronto Blue Jays

Short Hit:  Now home to the poster boy for white-boy grinder, David Eckstein, everyone's overrating the Blue Jays again this year.  Baseball America makes a good point.  If this team was in the NL, they'd be a lock for the postseason.  But they're not.  Rolen's already hurt and B.J. Ryan will start the season on the DL.  There's much to like but not enough to love.  If McGowan becomes the guy people think he can be and Marcum pitches above his ability, they could make it interesting.  Just above .500 is more realistic.

Player to Watch:  Aaron Hill and Vernon Wells.  Hill will have a huge season if not relegated to the two hole and Vernon Wells needs to prove his recently-signed contract was a wise move for the Jays.  He will.

04  Tampa Bay Rays

Short Hit:  I really want to go higher with the Rays but this division makes it impossible.  But close to .500 is realistic with an improved pen (worst in MLB by far last year) and a quality third starter in Garza.  They will have absolutely no problem scoring runs but just how 'improved' in that bullpen?  The Rays will flirt with .500 but fall just short.

Player to Watch:  Dioner Navarro and Evan Longoria.  Navarro came into his own the last two months of the season and could place himself in the upper tier of catchers this year.  Longoria was sent down until May in an arbitration-eligible, cost-saving (and a bit smarmy) move but should be up by May 1.  He's the total package.  

05  Baltimore Orioles

Short Hit:  The offense will be fine in the end. There's a moderate amount of talent there but no big stick, just a collection of hitters with decent peripherals.  This team, though, could set the new standard for Pitching That Is Bad In The Bad Sense. They'll lose 100 games but it might be moderately fun to watch the chaos.  Along with the Twins, Rangers and As, the Orioles will be the team that the rest of the league devours.

Player to Watch:  Adam Jones.  Kind of a gimme.  Most likely a star in the making.  If he's given free rein to run, his statistics could be a fantasy baseball player's wet dream. 

Programming Note:  Christo will be in San Francisco Monday through Friday next week so posting will be sporadic if not nonexistent. 

Might try to do something. 

Mr. Mate Famber will be your guide through the idiotic meanderings of the stupid.

One Shining Moment - Revised

Added some titles and descriptions for the uninitiated.

Friday, March 28, 2008

One Shining Moment.

One Shining Moment Indeed....

The Winner of the 2008 Tournament of Awful is....................................

In the words of Christo:

I have to say I've never gotten diarrhea from Scrubs, though I think with some intense exposure and a bucket of Creamed Corn something could take place. And White Castle is in the pantheon of things that people use to display bullshit Chicago Pride. It's more local, personal and more affecting. We can turn off Scrubs. Dippy Chicago People won't stop talking about it, making it tough to avoid.
Braff is Early Ethan Hawke lite. And like Ethan Hawke, nobody really goes to see his shit.It serves as a beacon for Chicagoansto show that they somehow take place in some mythical Chicago lifestyle. Something like a name drop to make sure everyone in the room knows that they, too, are Chicago Urban. I give it to White Castle.
In the words of Mate:
When comparing Scrubs to White Castle the differences are fairly benign. Both have heaped abuse on thousands of people for years. But Scrubs doesn't get the defenders to the death that the Castle does. I have met people who have scoffed and got something bordering on angry when I tell them that White Castle is goddawful. "You're not from Chicago." ,they say. Well, no, I'm not but I have lived here for the better part of a decade and spent many a day in the area in my youth. I know what is "good" Chicago and what is "self aware/bull shit" Chicago. And White Castle falls into the latter. First, there is nothing unique to Chicago about WC. They're locations in 11 fucking states, including Tennessee! Second, the first White Castle started in Kansas! Fucking Kansas!! That's like Chicago taking pride in the wheat thresher, which probably WAS started here for all we know. Third, for all the great food we have at our fingertips in this city why do we latch onto these disgusting, putrid, cat food tasting shit sandwiches? It's mind boggling.
White Castle the WINNER in a rout.
One shining moment.

Mate's Winner

( I mean, LOOK at this thing! Look at it!)

I once bought a bag of White Castle's full of their little slider hamburgers. Anyone who knows me knows that I would eat anything that came in a fast food bag. At least in my younger days when this happened. Plus I was drunk......I ate one of them looked at it and went, "This is terrible." AND THREW THE REST AWAY! Let me reiterate that: A drunk, fat guy threw fast food away because it tasted like shit. If that doesn't spell awful I don't know what does.
"My Boys" is terrible but it can't match that. Sure, I've turned it off in disgust but not in the same completely, frustrated and defeated way that I did with the White Castle.

Final today:

White Castle vs. Scrubs --

Thursday, March 27, 2008

After Much Deliberation Long Into The Night...

Nothing Beats The Quintessential Example Of Pretentious Ass-Baginess.

The Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H made it a game, but to hate on M*A*S*H would be like hating on Wonder Bread PB & Js, Shasta, Bomb Pops, Casey's Pizza, Mr. Quicks, The Sugar Shack, Karma's Onion Buns, Ice Cream Sandwiches, Hot Dogs smothered in Velveeta and 70 oz. Pepsis from Ma & Pa, Carol's Burgers, Fla-Vor-Ice, Honda Sprees and the smell of the Mississippi on a 95 degree day.

I grew up on it.

And The New Bracket

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Final Foul Fucking 4!

Take a bow, you Sultans of Shit!!

There Will Certainly Be Some Car Doors Slamming In The Streets Of Kensington Tonight!

Since the very beginning of the Tournament of Awful, each team that made it this far required absolutely expert coordination of inherent awfulness, crappiness, sanctimony and/or downright annoyance.

Modern American Culture need have no fear with shittiness of this caliber.

Let's get right to the action.

Rasmussen Region 

2) quarterlife  vs.  4) The Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H

It makes Christo sad that there has to be a loser here.  

The case for each has been made ad nauseam throughout the tournament so it comes down to which show has contributed more to not only my own personal pain but the country at large.  

quarterlife would have had a chance if Marshall Herskovitz and Edward Zwick were given more of a chance to inflict their peculiar brand of self-serious sanctimony on the rest of the world.

Both Herkovitz and Zwick are in their mid-50s.  And they create and write a show focused on the trials and tribulations of being 25?  The fact that America made sure not to watch quarterlife in droves and relegated it to the TV trash bin in historic fashion gives me a glimmer of hope.  Perhaps there are standards being heeded by the viewing public.

But in the end, M*A*S*H was a wildly popular show watched by all segments of society while finding a new life in syndication to infect a new generation of TV watchers.  In many ways, it's part of the national consciousness.  The Last Six Seasons set the bar for the new world of shallow, pretentious crap that panders to the stupid.

quarterlife?  You didn't have a chance.

"Goodbye, Small One."

Winner:  The Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H with a senior lineup dominating from end to end.

Dusty Baker Region

4) Mike Murphy  vs.  7) Scrubs

Tough One.  Both won't just die.  And both won't go gently into that good night.  

What immediately comes to mind is the fact that Mike Murphy is pretty much loathed by his peers.  Boers finds him to be the personification of a steaming pile of crap and McNeil pretty much echoes those sentiments.  Heck, even Mike Murphy's heir apparent to the throne of crappy sports radio, Jesse Rogers, a man no stranger to the makings of brutal radio. has a certain level of contempt for Murph.

There's a feeling that when Mike Murphy's ratings dip for even a second below some minimum threshold of acceptance, he will feel the wrath of the Sword of Damocles.

But Zach Braff's own TV star is fading.  Scrubs never got the ratings NBC wanted and was shuffled off to 'midseason fill-in' on more than one occasion.

So I'm going to the crossover effect across multiple formats.  Braff is allowed to write and direct feature-length films and release handpicked soundtrack compilations.  

And here's the kicker.  TWO MORE MOVIES ARE COMING!

Braff's idea of writing and direction parallels the self-righteous stupidity of Alan Alda so perfectly, it boggles the mind.  And he thinks by layering echoey, angsty, supposedly sonorous and extremely obtrusive alternative music over key plot points will make up for the unbelievable shittiness of the writing.

What looked like a grudge match in the bracket becomes a thorough drubbing.

Winner:  Scrubs with a win demonstrating that a deep bench means everything.

So we have a Frightfully Foul Final Four!!!

Who Gets In the Final?

We'd just like to take this opportunity to thank Milwaukee's Best for sponsoring our Tournament of Awful. When they heard about our little tourney they didn't hesitate to call. "Nothing says awful like Milwaukee's Best." Thanks, guys.
It's come down to this. The winners of the Limbaugh and Watts Regionals are being decided. The arena is sold out and the fans are at a fever pitch. Let's get to the action:

WATTS REGION: 1) My Boys vs. 10) Marshmallows -- I've been thinking about this one. Both make me wince, gag and shake my head in disgust. Both are avoidable. Both leave a horrid aftertaste that takes WAY too many beers to get out. I guess I have to decide whether horrible writing/acting is worse than horrible taste/texture. God, it's tough. So, I watched the pilot of 'My Boys' and ate a marshmallow last night. (The wife to be had some in the cabinet for some reason) It was a horrifying night. But it had to be done. After long and thoughtful consideration I'm gonna have to go with WINNER: My Boys. I know marshmallows are terrible but it speaks to just how crappy, maddening, awful and downright intelligence insulting that shitburger of a show is.

LIMBAUGH REGION: 12) White Castle vs. 15) Wrigley Field Bathrooms -- Another very tough matchup. They both smell awful. They both are wretch inducing. They both are part of a largely overrated and overhyped Marketing by Morons machine. So, I couldn't actually go to Wrigley Field and take a piss last night (Well, I suppose I could have) so I thought it unfair to eat White Castle. So, I'm gonna have to go on gut here. What's more awful? WINNER- Gonna have to go with White Castle. It was damn close and Wrigley should be proud of their run. But White Castle's legendary crappiness is too tough to break.

There you have it. My two entries into the final fucking 4: I'll be deciding the winner of this legendary matchup later today for the final tomorrow. Congrats to both.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Preview of Awful Eight

The newsroom here at the BRE is buzzing. Literally buzzing. And it's not the hot water heater this time.

15) Wrigley Field Bathrooms vs. 12) White Castle -- Call this one the Cinderella Region. Nobody thought these two would be here.

1) My Boys vs. 10) Marshmallows -- The prohibitive favorite going against the media darling. My Boys has proven time and time again it's pure putridness. It'll be a slugfest.

4) Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H vs 2) quarterlife -- Sanctimony vs. Pretentious whining. Which is which? This one is gonna be a doozy.

4) Mike Murphy vs. 7) Scrubs -- Scrubs is the dark horse but never underestimate the shittiness of sports radio and it's leading shit jockey, Mike Murphy.

All 8 are deserving of a spot but only 4 can claim the prize of advancing to the Final Fucking Four..

Winner on Friday!!!

And We're Down To Eight!

The New Bracket:

Previews Coming Soon.

The Awful Eight And Inter Aila

Nugget of the day from the Iowa City Press-Citizen:
A church known for its anti-gay protests plans to picket the funeral of the six deceased members of the Sueppel family.

The Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., announced in a news release that it plans to picket the Sueppels' funeral on Saturday. Their news release claimed that “God sent the shooter” in punishment for Iowa’s sins.
Click here to read the rest of the story.
Good guy.  Can't understand why people are leaving the church - any church - in droves?  Just don't get it.  They're just such an accepting group of people.  And I thought living with grace was a paramount Christian principle?

And check out Things We Lost in the Fire.  Right up there with The Secret Life of Words as the worst and most pretentious title for a movie, it's nonetheless worth the time.  

It threatens to devolve into the maudlin on the surface but never really gets close.  Benicio Del Toro's best performance and Halle Berry is downright incredible.  Best direction, along with No Country for Old Men, that I've seen in a long time.  A great example of restraint.

Jack Cust this morning:  one at-bat, one walk, bringing his season total to 5 at-bats, 4 ks, 1 bb.

TTO:  100%.  He's my new baseball hero. 

Back to the Action

Noel Rasmussen Region

2) quarterlife  vs.  6) Ohio Voters

How they got here:

quarterlife beat People who LOVE Lobster and Bicyclists

Ohio Voters beat Matchy, Matchy Couples and Todd Stroger

Where to begin?  Ohio Voters fell for all of Hillary's late campaign crap.  Everything.  A NAFTA/Muslim stew, particularly in the Heartland, is like shooting fish in a barrel.  But what was most infuriating about the results were a seeming double-standard on the part of Ohio Voters.  

These are the same people who patently rejected Kerry bringing in Hollywood stars to campaign in 2004 because they were above such transparent political games and thought it would hurt the cause. 

Their logic was that they were going to do it without any smokes and mirrors.  I admired them for taking such a vocal stance at the time.  

Then this happened. 

But the voting breakdown of Ohio followed along the same lines of Texas and, well, the rest of the country is many respects.  Urban Democractic voters went Obama and suburban and rural voters went to Hillary.  Ohio saw a lot of media play because of their relevance to the general election but, for the most part, they were no worse than the rest of the screwed-up Democratic Party.  


Here you go.  I strongly encourage you to watch it all but the first few minutes will do.

Ever want a piano to fall on someone more?

No.  Fucking.  Contest.

Winner: quarterlife jumps out big and wins big.

1) Phil Rogers  vs.  4) Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H

How they got here:

Phil beat Singles Who Whine About Being Single and Roscoe Village Mothers.

M*A*S*H beat Creamed Corn and Driving In West Chicago.

Why do we exist?  Why do zebras have stripes?  Why does Dusty Baker think walks just clog up the bases?

These are easier questions to answer.

I have opinions on Phil.  And I intend to do a full year of studiously reviewing every word he types into the computer.  Maybe I'll turn it into 'A Year In The Life of Phil Rogers'.

But I am acutely aware of how easy such things are.  Phil's from the old guard.  Like racism in some ways, we may just have to wait until all the old fucks die off to make significant strides. 

Heck, we're seeing big changes in that realm already. 

And he's getting old in the way men with shitty jobs and four kids get old - they just stop caring about meticulous and thoughtful formations of arguments.  

They're just playin' out the string.

And it makes me laugh to know just how cushy Phil has it.


It's not just that M*A*S*H seemed to create a template for success that led to the superlatively bad nature of 80s television.  Or.  It's not just that M*A*S*H, by the sheer virtue of its ridiculous amount of success, opened the door for other patently false, bad television shows to chase the M*A*S*H dragon and cater to the stupid.

Again.  The ten worst episodes of M*A*S*H furthers it's case for me here, here and here.

M*A*S*H was always the background noise in our house growing up. We watched repeats of repeats of repeats.  

I knew the deceit at 10.  In some ways, the show was my first real encounter of fraudulent human representation.  Maybe I should thank the show for that.

When I think of anything in the realm of laughably bad, I harken back to M*A*S*H to serve as the gauge.

To damn Phil for being an old, lazy man bereft of thoughtful thoughtfulness would be to damn half of my hometown.  I can't do it.

In a choice based solely on the number of years something has invaded my consciousness with crap and crap with a side of crap, we have a HUGE UPSET.

Phil beats everyone in my bracket except...

Winner:  The Last Six Seasons of M*A*S*H on a last second, half-court heave in the second overtime.

Dusty Baker Region

1) Giada De Laurentiis  vs.  4) Mike Murphy

How they got here:

Giada beat Shaving and Lucky Charms Cereal.

Mike Murphy beat People Who Use The Phrase 'Focal Point' and People Who Take Public Transportation On Principle.

Both had a bit of a cake walk to the Elite Eight given their strengths.

With Giada, it's so much.  It's the boobs in the food.  It's the way she says 'sweet'.  It's the way she eats food while eyeballing the camera. It's the way she eats food like the very act of eating food is foreign to her.  It's the bullshit hard luck story coming from the mouth of a De Laurentiis.  It's the introduction to her shows where she attempts to capture the essence of the J. Peterman catalog description.  

Mostly, it's the all style and no substance.  And people buy it, further proving that people just want to look at seemingly pretty things (and sorry, that's not pretty).

Mike Murphy can blow me.  I love to hate him because the he's the only option from 12-2 weekdays (I gave up on Worldview), thereby making him the bridge to B&B.  

His folksy, 'I'm just a fan' act is only part of it.  Let's go back to first round action:
He's just so consistently wrong and in such a smarmy and...you know...wrong way. His show reeks on late night radio out of Wichita, Kansas. I waiting for him to finish off the image and institute a gong and some chicken sounds.

If I had to take a cross-country road trip with Mike Murphy and Ed Farmer starting in New York, I'd make it to the George Washington bridge and have to eat a bullet.
That about says it for me.  I swear, he has dirt on somebody because his show is an embarrassment to sports radio and that's saying something. 

Kind of like the worst member of the 2007 White Sox Bullpen, he's the shittiest shit-ass of a shitty lot.

Using that logic, to be so bad as to be the worst sports radio host ever heard by Christo, we have ANOTHER HUGE UPSET!

The second straight four seed to beat a number one.

Winner:  Mike Murphy with a solid eight point victory and it was never really close. 

3) Alford Apologists  vs.  7) Scrubs

How they got here:

Alford Apologists beat Diet Creme Soda and iGo Drivers

Scrubs beat Cat People and Toffee

Alford Apologists are of the same vein as the terds who cried when Chief Illiniwek was retired.

They saw it as some attack on their culture and their very way of life...because a white guy won't dance around in a stupid costume anymore.  To people of this ilk, college and college life represent some pure example of innocence not to be sullied by the outside world.  This is their existence.  They're weird people, kind of like the opposite of the Cat People/PT People/iGo Drivers world.  

With Alford Apologists, the prospect of a horrible basketball season was something to be taken personally and a Pierre dismissal would have assured that.  Toss in the strange nature of Iowa fans in general (like the guys with tags saying 'Life is temporary.  I'm a Hawkeye for eternity.) and the fact that Iowa doesn't have any pro teams and baby, you got a stew goin'.

But Alford has been surgically removed from the Hawkeye world and only a few apologists remain.  

I say again.  Zach, Zach, Zach Braff.  

It's encouraging that people don't go to his movies and it was encouraging that this was supposed to be the last season.  But now that ABC is looking to bring it into their crappy lineup and give it a whole new life, it's just giving credence to that ass-hat.

Alford Apologists are largely gone.  Iowa now deals with people who throw trash on Adam Shada during senior day, a whole new subculture of stupid.

Scrubs can't seem to die even a slow death properly.  It's like watching Misery in more ways than one.

Proving yet again that seeding controlled the outcomes of this tournament...

Winner:  Scrubs in a surprisingly easy fashion.

Three television shows and a crappy sports radio announcer.  Read a book, Christo.

Can You Feel It?

It is officially one month from today when Mate will be tieing the knot. Like most weddings, I'm just being told where to stand by the bride. The rest is all her....

Have you ever cut yourself shaving and the bleeding won't fucking stop?! I mean, just will..not..stop. Tissue, toilet paper, water, neosporin, nothing stops it. That happened to me this morning and it's just such a shitty way to start a day. I'm not supposed to be this agitated until 10 or 11.

Josh Fields gets demoted to AAA because Joe Crede couldn't get traded. Yep, that pretty much sums up the Sox right now. I believe Crede is hitting somewhere around .180 this Spring.
That said, it's fucking Spring Training. Didn't mean to get all Phil Rogers there.
But Fields deserves to be in the Majors.
Onto the Shitty 16:


3) John Mayer vs. 10) Marshmallows -- A Titanic matchup. Both are terrible but in different ways. Marshmallows are bad but if you really don't want them, you don't have to eat them. Mayer permeates. He's on the music at the grocery store or in commercials or when you're getting gas. Even movies. You can't really escape his suckiness unless you go live in the mountains. Even then you may not be able to avoid it.
Marshmallows, however, are just beyond me as to how someone could possibly enjoy them. It's like biting into a dead bird. There's a little thing with roasting them over a bonfire that lends itself to a nice feeling, I guess. But there's usually beer around. That's why.
Man, this is tough. The debaters all have sweat on their brow and ties are unfurled. It's gone back and forth. But, the WINNER: This took a 20 minute break/walk around I shit you not-- MARSHMALLOWS. It takes a really shitty food to beat John Mayer. They win in 4 Overtimes.

1) My Boys vs. 4) Women's Basketball -- Another doozy. But much like Hillary Clinton's pre New Hampshire crying jag, an event has happened the night before that has put one of them over the edge. It's this.
Women's basketball, while awful, is no match for the sheer unadulterated mess that is this tv show. I was really on the fence on this one as well but after viewing the pilot episode of 'My Boys' again, it just reaffirms it's status. WINNER: My Boys goes on a 20-6 run to end the game and pull away.


12) White Castle vs. 1) 2007 White Sox Bullpen -- White Castle is proving that their seeding at 12 was an injustice. They're truly spectacular in their shit. They've gone on a run here that rivals '85 Villanova. Except they were all on cocaine. I'm not sure what is exactly in White Castle's burgers but I'm pretty sure it's feline. You sure couldn't shoot 85% against Georgetown with it in your system.
The 2007 White Sox Bullpen is losing some steam due to the fact that it's going to be washed away in 6 days with the dawn of the new season. Thank God. Although it will never truly lose it's place in awfulness, it will finally be a thing of our past. Our long nightmare is over. WINNER: White Castle. Our first #1 seed goes down.

15) Wrigley Field Bathrooms vs. 11) Wes Andersen movies Not Named 'Rushmore' -- Neither one of these things thought they would be here. So it is truly a testament to their individual Suckitude. I have a tough one here because both are bad because they essentially rob me of time. One is wasting time at an otherwise enjoyable affair: a ball game. The other is sitting down and watching a movie. Sometimes wonderful, mostly so-so, occasionally awful. Like Wes' last 3 films. I give him a bit of a bump because of the good "Bottle Rocket" and the great "Rushmore". But his latest are just garbage.
Wrigley Field bathrooms are in this mainly due to my loathing of the entire stadium. They are indicative of why the rickety old shit shack needs to be destroyed. Getting pissed on by a 47 year old drunkard from Waukegan is not my idea of "charming"...WINNER: Wrigley Field bathrooms. Wes' run ends but not without a fight. Wrigley's Cinderella run continues.

There you have it. The Awful Eight is started.